TITLE: Twice Dead
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
I open my eyes, and there he stands above me holding out a hand dripping with blood. I tug my arm up from the dirt and reach out to take it. He takes hold and hoists me up out of the ditch in a graceful motion.
For a moment, I’m airborne. My feet hover just above the ground until he wraps his other hand around my waist, gently placing me down. The damp earth chills my toes.
I look up at his face, and he smiles at me. He actually has the gall to smile at me. Quickly, I wrest my hand from his and push away from him.
“Rae, I. . .” he begins.
I shake my head at him. What do you say to the person who murdered you just weeks ago?
“F*** you, Mark!” I snap. “Put me back!”
“Rae, I’m sorry,” he says, moving toward me, but I cringe away. “Rae, please. Please! I’ll tell everyone the truth about what we did. I . . . I need you to—as a witness. I need you as a witness in—”
“I am not helping you. You and your brothers can live with your guilt, and I’ll revel in watching you suffer. Believe me. That’s all I need.”
His hands begin to shake as scores of tears fall from his eyes. His lower lip seizes. His nose runs, and he continually tries to wipe his face clean, only to smear swatches of blood on his cheeks.
“Cut the act,” I command dryly.
I'm not a big fan of immediate present tense, and I can't think of any PNR series which uses it.
ReplyDeleteThe situation certainly has a hook that will grab the reader, but your craft needs some work. Look for stronger verbs. "Take hold," for example, is weaker than "grab" or some other verb.
In the first sentence, I'd like to know whose blood is on his hand. His from some ceremony bringing back the dead, her metaphorical blood because he murdered her?
The description of him weeping and wiping his face has a summary feel to it which doesn't work in immediate present.
And tears don't come down in "scores." If there are that many tears, they run or stream down the face.
I like the overall concept. A murder coming back to raise his victim from the grave. But it seems a bit overwritten. In the first couple of paragraphs you are describing every single movement of each hand.
ReplyDeleteI'd go through the whole thing and see if you can clean up the sentences. Take out unnecessary words. Find stronger words. For example "scores of tears" could be stronger. "Sobbed" maybe.
Neat concept :)
ReplyDeleteThere are some spots where it feels overwritten, but you've got some great setences as well. I'd suggest you aim for some general tightening up, as you've got a neat idea for a grabber of an opening scene.
Am I hooked? Not really.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, but I think you started in the wrong spot.
You've thrown the readers into an intense scene without establishing a reason for the reader to care.
It's a good idea and it definitely has possibilities. There are a few extra words you could dispense with and still get the point across, i.e. 'cringe away', 'cringe' would be enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that I'd read it as it stands but that's only because I'm not a fan of present tense, unless the writing is really, really compelling and the narrator's voice has more 'umph' to it. It ain't easy!
I don't love present tense in paranormal romance. I also like to understand pretty quickly what the paranormal element is. Here I thought it could be vampires or zombies. I like the hook of someone "turned" by a trusted friend or lover, introducing betrayal as a major conflict, but I agree with the comment above about overwriting. In dialogue, it's often best to use "said" or "says" as opposed to colorful verbs like "snap" and "command". I'd also tone down the use of exclamation marks, and trim unnecessary words like "scores of" and "continually".
ReplyDeleteLove the present tense, wanted to know what was going on and thought that with some tightening up you've got a good start here.
ReplyDeleteI like this one, except for the guy's drama-queen act at the end.
ReplyDeleteEven though it was just an act for the dead girl, it was a turn off for me.
Not sure if I care for the present tense, it seems to be gratuitous since you already have action and tension. I love your premise so far, I think fix the tense and a few tweaks with word and grammar usage and you'll be getting requests for fulls soon.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here, thanks for all the comments.
ReplyDeleteShe'll be a zombie (not a vamp), and I know present tense usually doesn't crop up in paranormal romance, but I've tried to see the story without it, and it just doesn't work. (talk about a run-on sentence)
I'll tighten up. Thanks again!
Hmm a zombie right? I'm not sure what to think exactly. It's interesting but I wasn't given a definite vibe of what she was and that should be one of the first thing I should know. If it wasn't for the line about how he had murdered her 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have known. Not particularly my thing... but it's interesting nevertheless. Just as a weird aside: zombies have been cropping up a LOT this week. I wonder why.
ReplyDeleteI'm definintely hooked. You've given me just enough meat to make me want to chew the bone. I have so many questions about this awkwardly undead situation that I'd turn the page instantly. Also, the imagery in some of your sentences is wonderful. I could envision the entire "grave" scenario perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI really liked it. I do read a lot of present tense and I liked the dialogue and the playful way the two are speaking to each other. Especially since he murdered her just a few weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI don't normally read paranormal romance but I'd keep reading this. Well done.
I think I'd be intrigued more with the query--your explanation did entice me :)
ReplyDeleteThe situation certainly has a hook that will grab the reader, but your craft needs some work. Look for stronger verbs. "Take hold," for example, is weaker than "grab" or some other verb.
ReplyDelete--
glovin
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I was hooked, though I agree that your writing could be tightened a bit.
ReplyDelete