TITLE: BLOOD PROPHECY
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Akasha bolted behind the fir tree at the sight of the approaching police cruiser. She held her breath as it drew near. Her slight form pressed against the rough bark. ‘Last thing I need is to be busted after curfew.
The car crawled by, resembling a predatory insect. She extracted her black curls from the tree branches and headed for the cemetery, relieved that she wasn’t caught. She hoped her friend had gotten out and was able to meet her. Akasha’s thoughts on the matter weren’t entirely unselfish. She didn’t want to be alone tonight.
Akasha sensed that she was being followed these last few weeks. A lot of people were looking for her. Neither of the possibilities boded well. There was only one question: Was it the uniformed men who murdered her parents, or did someone find out that she killed a man two years ago? Why now? I’ve been fine here for two years and now that I’m almost eighteen, this sh**’s gotta happen? She pulled her knife out, reassured by the feel of cold steel in her palm. Though it would be safer if she’d forego her nightly walks, Akasha couldn’t bear the thought of staying in that sh***y orphanage a second longer than she had to. If that meant facing whatever was stalking her, so be it. She’d killed to defend herself before, she could do it again. Or, at least make somebody hurt.
I think "She didn't want to be alone tonight" would make a great first line. Careful about trying to give us too much backstory/info in the first bit. You could probably incorporate some of it later and move us along more quickly.
ReplyDeleteI think your mc is a bit contradictory. She's killed, she's being stalked, she's hiding from the police, she carries a knife. All that makes her seem pretty independent, but she's worried about curfew and she's in an orphange. Seems to me she's tough enough to be long gone.
I think this has potential, but it needs to be tidied up a bit before I'd read on. Hope that helps you out a bit.
The heroine is too young if this is PNR. About right if it's young adult.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree that there's too much backstory here. You need to put her into the scene. Is it daytime or night? Is she in the woods or someone's front yard filled with trees?
And, she wouldn't think of someone as "friend" unless she didn't know her/his name.
A little bit of potty mouth goes a long way. Don't overdo.
Moderately hooked. Overuse of her name. She's the only character right now, we don't need a constant mention of her name. I agree that 18 is a bit young for PNR and also that her actions/behavior are a bit contradictory. Glad you did this in third person though - I'm tired of first person. I'd probably read a bit further.
ReplyDeleteThe character's age made me wonder if this would be more appropriate for the paranormal YA market than adult romance. You'll want to be clear on that before sending out queries. I also had trouble with the image of Akasha pulling her hair out of the tree branches. Did you mean the bark of the trunk? Or the evergreen needles?
ReplyDeleteIn the third paragraph, I think we have too much telling, not enough showing, and some awkward language. For example, "Neither of these possibilities..."--were there two? I see only one, the possibility of her being followed by people who are looking for her.
Other than that, I'm intrigued by the story of a girl ready to leave an orphanage (though I wonder if foster home would be more believable), who's killed in self-defense (very HUNGER GAMES), and threatened by the people who killed her parents. I'd want to know pretty quickly--within the first chapter--who these menacers are exactly.
Curfew + age + orphanage kind set off 'This is really YA' warnings in my head.
ReplyDeleteThis is nice writing though.
I'm pretty sure I can't make this YA because Akasha has sex among a few other controversial things.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving the comments! Going to take them to heart and edit, edit, edit.
Thanks to you all.
I liked the gritty voice in this--the independence of Akasha. But I thought there was a little too much in the way of "purple prose". (I'm really bad at this, too.) There were just some phrases that seemed out of place as you tried to set the scene and describe Akasha.
ReplyDelete"Her slight form" caught me up, as did "resembling a predatory insect."
I'd also split the third paragraph just for giving your readers some space--right after her thought, I think.
A bit nitpicky, but that's because I think you've got a good plot going on here.
Looks like there's a neat premise here, and there's a good possibility I'd read more to find out what happened next, but I think the writing could be cleaner and more streamlined. There's some scaffolding that could be chopped to make the writing snappier, and while I'm not against long paragraphs, the third was kind of a slog for me.
ReplyDeleteSort of hooked.
I agree with previous comments. This feels like YA. I'd suggest making her older if you want to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs a little polish yet, but the idea is not without merit. Keep working at it. You'll get it.
Not hooked. Sorry.
I really thought your writing flowed. I also like the fact that your sentences aren't too long. In addition, I loved the image of the cruiser as a "predatory insect." Great!!!
ReplyDeleteA girl wanted for murder who lives in a cemetary and is stalked by someone or something=hooked!!!
Having a girl on her way to the cemetery at night and hiding from the police car is good, but the next few paragraphs strike me as being a bit of an infodump - telling and not showing. I like Akasha as a character though.
ReplyDeleteSort of hooked, but I feel that the writing needs cleaning up.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it feels more YA to me.
All that makes her seem pretty independent, but she's worried about curfew and she's in an orphange. Seems to me she's tough enough to be long gone.
ReplyDelete--
glovin
Wireless Home Alarm Security Systems
I have to agree with some of the earlier posts about the conflicting nature of the character's independence and her worries. And her age. Unless this 18 year old has a lot of grown-up worries (i.e. not about the orphanage), then this fits in the YA category so far. I know there was one comment about sex in YA stories, and this may be an iffy subject, but that is one thing that teenagers have to deal with. And they deal with controversies like that all the time. So, unless you have an extremely racy love scene, I'd label this YA anyway. A target audience of 16+ would most likely identify with that, your character, and the rest of her conflicts.
ReplyDeleteAuthor:
ReplyDeleteNote that there's plenty of violence and sex (even rape) in DUST OF 100 DOGS, a very successful recent YA book by AS King.