TITLE: Always Music
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
When Sarah saw the man with the sword, she stopped chewing her sandwich.
Then she saw him use it, and the bread fell from her hands.
“Sarah?” Kate’s fingers were snapping in her face. “Are you choking or something?”
Sarah realized she wasn’t breathing. She had to force air past her lips, then raised a hand to point. “He—that man—just killed somebody—”
Kate spun on the bench of the picnic table, blonde hair flying, her hand grabbing for her soda. “Shut up. Where?”
Sarah stood, knocking the rest of her sandwich to the sidewalk. “There! He—he’s right—”
He was gone.
She scrubbed at her eyes and edged around Kate. The block was still milling with workers on their lunch break, but not so crowded that she could miss a man in black with a sword—nor his fallen victim. This was Baltimore, not New York City.
She blinked. Squinted. She knew she’d seen sunlight flash on the blade.
“Sar?” Now Kate was frowning. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I…” She swallowed. “I guess my mind was playing tricks or something.”
Great opening sentences. I would definitely read on! You hit the tone of confused disbelief very well, and I like the pacing of your sentences. One little nitpick; "scrubbed" sounds painful for someone touching her own eyes. Maybe just say "rubbed" (though I know, that's kind of boring).
ReplyDeleteGeez, I really tried to find something in this that didn't hook me, but I couldn't.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Great opening hook, but you ended it too fast. My disappointment is not getting to see him use the sword. Give me more. Watch out for eye cues - lots of seen, squinting, etc going on.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like a YA type piece from the characters. Or they sound young?
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is I was thinking in the back of my head how most people don't die immediately from sword wounds. They might if their head is chopped off though... which very well might have happened. I was just wondering why Sarah wasn't grabbing her cell or screaming at somebody to call an ambulance or something.
I wasn't sure if she looked to the spot where she thought she saw the guy killed and didn't see the body. That needs to be clearer, I think.
*That said, I do like this beginning. With a little tweaking I'd read more.
Thanks for all the comments! It's definitely not YA. Kate is just flaky. (This was read during an opening page critique at RWA and one of the editors thought it might be YA, too.)
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued! And it didn't seem like YA to me at all "-)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked: It did feel a little YA-ish. I also felt the first two sentences could hold more power. Especially when the man uses the sword... uses it for what? You hint at it later, but I think it might be a stronger hook up front to explin that he killed someone.
ReplyDeleteI think the "Shut uuppp.." line is leading us to think YA. If it's gone, it's two adults taking a break from shopping.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. (Unless it's YA, in which case....)
Would like to read more for sure.
I've been to New York, but I have yet to see anyone kill anyone in a sword fight on the street.
ReplyDeleteBesides that, it was okay.
Even with the author's explanation, I still think it sounds YA-ish. I liked the writing but would have enjoyed seeing more descriptive. And the person killed? Male or female? I'd keep reading, though, but if voice continued to sound "young" much farther, I'd stop.
ReplyDelete"The block was still milling with workers on their lunch break..."
ReplyDeleteI would say "The workers on the block were still milling..."
The block doesn't mill, the workers mill.
Other than that, very good!
Hmm, I am thirty and still say "Shut up." My 45 year old supervisor says it also, and this is at a museum, not a Taco Bell, or something. (no offense to anyone who works at Taco Bell)
ReplyDeleteI liked it, but I'd like it more if there was more description of what the man did with the sword as she sees it, not as described later.
I'd read on.
Good luck!
I like it, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI especially like Kate's reaction "Shut up. Where?" I thought it was a very realistic reaction.
I would have liked to have seen what your MC saw. What did the guy do with the sword? Who did he kill. How did he do it? Let her see the sun glinting off the blade there, not later.
ReplyDeleteThat, I think, would have made all the difference to me.
As is, it doesn't feel like you gave me enough. It all happened too quick.
It's not a resounding "I'm hooked," but I'd probably read more to see what you did with it.
Totally hooked. It shocked me, which was why I was so intrigued anad wanted to read more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis would be much stronger with showing, not telling.
ReplyDelete"When Sarah saw the man...." is telling. Showing would give the reader visual details. Where is Sarah? What is around her? What does the man look like?
I found this intriguing. The "milling" sentence threw me off, since I don't think blocks can mill. And the scrubbing eye thing--ouch! Plus, I'd kind of expect a little more reaction--I mean, if I saw someone killing another person with a sword, I'd hope I'd scream or call 911 or something.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it read very clean for the most part, I enjoyed the voice, and I found the idea intriguing! So I'd read on.
We have good, clear language here with no cumbersome overwriting. The first sentence made me do a double-take then laugh out loud, but I wasn't immediately hooked. I wasn't in Sarah's world, I was in the writer's. That's not quite the experience I'm looking for. I'd likely keep reading for a few pages though, depending on the query letter, to see where the story's going.
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at Duffy's comment - I was thinking the same thing. And I wasn't sure about 'Shut up' as a response to a murder. It seemed a bit too casual. That's my opinion anyway. I liked the first few lines though - very funny!
ReplyDelete