TITLE: Smarter Than the Average Werewolf
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Being asked at gunpoint why I'm following someone always puts me off my stride. Not because I fear for my life, but because it means I've messed up, and that's not something I want generally known. My business requires me to possess an aura of hyper-competence; my customers like thinking that I won't screw their lives up any more than they already are.
Roger Danforth thumbed the hammer back until it clicked. I've never understood why people holding perfectly functional modern pistols do that. The gun will fire regardless. He repeated his question.
"Does it matter?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied. "You might be the West End Werewolf, for all I know."
"I might be your fairy godmother, if I were a fairy, or a godmother. I'm neither of those, nor the werewolf. Besides, it's still a week before the full moon. Relax."
He sucked a long stream of air in through his nose. He was either trying to calm down or working up the nerve to blow my head off. I hoped it was the former. Busting him for a second's worth of attempted murder might be as legally effective as for the six weeks worth of investigating I'd spent on his embezzlement scheme, but it would be less satisfying.
"This is some kind of exciting, ain't it?"
Danforth and I swiveled our head towards a B-western sidekick in a coonskin cap. "Don't mind me, boys," he said. "I just live here."
I like this a lot, but I think it could use a little polishing. The first sentence is a little clunky. I'd just say, "Being questioned at gunpoint always puts me off my stride." Then I'd skip the sentence about her business and go straight to Roger Danforth. Where you say "He repeated his question," you could just put a line in dialogue about following someone.
ReplyDeleteIn the paragraph that starts, "He sucked a long stream..." I'd lose the sentence about "I hoped it was the former," because it's obvious, and the following sentence about busting him is just too long.
With all that said, I really like your voice. I just think you need to make some liberal use of your delete key to let your talent shine through.
Agreed, you could do some tightening. I like the personality that shines forth through the dialogue, and the little tags like "B-western sidekick." Your narrator has that lovely detached humor that works so well in paras/urban fantasy. A little editing and I'd definitely be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Only nit I could snag at would be I had no idea of the setting. I don't like it when people go crazy breaking up the action to describe everything about the place the action is taking place in, but I do like a little bit. Maybe right where they look towards the coonskin cap guy. Where was he, etc..
ReplyDeleteI like this. I would read more, but like Catherine, I'd like to know a bit about where they are. I also like that you've already hinted that Werewolves are something known in this world so that raised my interest.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice and personality, but was thrown off by the sudden entry of the sidekick. The writing could use more tightening as mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing skills. The "Roger Danforth" temporarily jerked me out of the otherwise-excellently-done deep POV, because it didn't seem like the same type of natural thoughts that the first paragraph did. When I kept reading, I realized that you, as the author, stuck that in there to give us this guy's name...but it's not natural. See if there's a better way of including that.
ReplyDeleteAlso...I assumed this was a guy, but another reader assumed it was a girl. That should probably be cleared up somehow.
Am I hooked? I don't know know. Your writing skills are good enough that I'd probably keep reading to see if you succeed in sucking me into the story in the next page or two. I guess that means I am. Enough, at least.
I love this. I wouldn't usually read Fantasy of any sort, but this has hooked me. The title alone would make me pick it up and flick through it. My only quibble, and it's a small one, is with - "I might be your fairy godmother, if I were a fairy, or a godmother. I'm neither of those, nor the werewolf. Besides, it's still a week before the full moon. Relax." I think it steals the momentum. It's too long. What about, "I might be your fairy godmother." Some kind of non-verbal, unsatisfactory reaction from Danforth, and then, "It's still a week before the full moon. Relax."
ReplyDeleteI love the introduction of the third character at the end.
I liked it- hooked. I also would like a hint of the setting.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. A bit clunky, some tightening here and there, but would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteS
Not hooked. It's funny, but I wanted a bit more than funny. He has a gun pointed at him and I didn't feel any tension at all. I didn't feel like he was worried about being shot, even though he said he was. I didn't feel like the other guy might shoot him, even though he said he thought the guy might. I didn't even feel surprise by the surprise entrance of the guy in the coonskin cap.
ReplyDeleteThe MC has a great voice but for some reason, I'm not connecting with him. This may be a case of it just not appealing to me, but you might consider building some emotional attachment between your MC and the reader.
great!hooked!I'm guessing this is London because of the West End Werewolf.Nice snappy dialog!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, and I actually like this the way it is. I like it that the mc isn't afraid. I like the reference to modern day pistol (I'm assuming he's been around a while and has seen a lot). I like the other character sneaking in at the end.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is really intriguing.
I liked this, especially the voice of your MC. I do agree with others that it needs some tightening, and an idea of setting would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I love you're MC's snark and how you started the novel with him/her in hot water already, and the addition of the Davy Crockett wannbe only added to intrigue. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI adore werewolves and strong heroines, and it sounds like the writer has developed an interesting story, but ultimately I felt the writing wasn't quite there yet. It just slightly too quirky/chatty, in a way that didn't propel the story forward fast enough. I know we're only playing with 250 words here, so I likely would have kept reading for a little while to see how things would shape up. The actual language usage was stronger than usual, though.
ReplyDelete