TITLE: Will work for food
GENRE: Romance, series
Inebriated speakers, inedible food, inoperable sound systems. Callie Johnson had planned for each of those disasters.
Mapping out the fastest route across the ballroom and the shortest distance to saving her career had not been on her spreadsheet of trouble. But here she was sprinting across the room, her sensible pumps tapping out a frantic rhythm, as she prayed breathlessly that she'd be in time to stop the waitress on the table top from shaking her money makers at elite of Phoenix's business community.
“Hey,” the would-be stripper squeaked as a tall man in a starched sky-blue shirt dragged her from the table and plunked her over his shoulder, in a good imitation of a fireman’s carry. His long-legged stride was unhurried, but Callie still had to jog to keep up with this savior from Wild Mustangs, the company catering her event. As director of communications, she had hired the caterer and organized the party for Derwent Corp., purveyor of everything from ball bearings to lip waxers. The evening was to introduce a new line of spa equipment and products to keep the wealthy looking hale, hearty, and young.
Matt McLeod easily made his way through the crowd that parted Red-Sea style. Callie followed in his wake to the kitchen. One second he was there. The next he was on the tiled floor, curved into a comma but too late to protect his obviously abused man parts. She heard him draw in a breath and wheeze out, “Dammit, AmberJoy.”
I didn't like the first sentence. Far to many "in" words. The second paragraph was really confusing I didn't have a clue what was happening. Not hooked the writing seemed jumbled.
ReplyDeleteThere is a rough shift of pov here, I think... or it could have been me as I read.
ReplyDeleteWho kicked the guy, btw? Waitress or Callie?
You have a nice voice. I think you could tidy it up a bit, and make it more clear, but you've got some potential here. I like your character. Maybe try for some crisper sentences to move the pace along.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm not a big romance reader... I think I'd want to read a little more.
ReplyDeleteIntro line follow through. She planned on a disaster? Why?
ReplyDeleteWild Mustangs, I think is a real charity. At least I think I received a t-shirt from them once. I've heard mixed thoughts on that.
Stripper had me interested though, but if planner really wanted it to bomb and ruin her career--then why not let it happen?
Yes, did Callie knock Matt with a blow to his privates?
Geez lady/sir--you've got a strong, distinctive voice going here. I also love being dropped into a blooming disaster,but I needed one spot to be grounded before I started flying the high wire. Fix that and I'd read on.
There's a lot of action here, but I couldn't quite keep track of it all. I honestly wondered at first, is this a corporate event at a strip club? Also, I wanted to see Matt (is this the same guy who took the girl off the table) get kneed in the nuts. It wasn't obvious from the scene that's what happened.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that Callie was sabotaging the event became clear on the second read through, and then the phrase "spreadsheet of trouble", which I love, made more sense. I didn't follow it all the first time through and think maybe slowing things down just a tad might help. You have an interesting cast of characters in a unique setting, so I see potential in here, but I'm not fully hooked just yet. Keep at it!
I didn't get that she was trying to sabotage the event, and even after a second reading, I didn't see anything pointing to that. So if that's what's happening, I don't see it.
ReplyDeleteIt seemed to me she wanted things to go well. Why else would she try to stop the stripper?
I also thought it was clear that Amber Joy had kicked Matt.
Having said that, I'd still have to say 'not hooked.' Your MC is a peripheral character here. Everything happens around her. You can make this stronger by putting her more into the scene. How do things affact her? What is she thinking/ doing? How is she reacting? As is, I'm too far removed from her to care.
The writing needs more impact.
ReplyDelete"Inebriated speakers, inedible food, inoperable sound systems" doesn't grab me at all.
Drunks. Scorched steaks. Scratchy microphones. Words with some color would be better.
Your sentences also have a lot of words. Can you say what you want to say with fewer words? It would give your writing more impact.
It should be "the elite" of Phoenix's business community (THE is missing). Why use the word community at all? It's a dull word. I would just say "Phoenix's business elite." There are many other places where you could eliminate extra words.
You lost me in the first line. The diction choices are very abstract, and some of your sentences are a mouthful (sorry to be blunt).
ReplyDeleteTake this sentence for example:
But here she was sprinting across the room, her sensible pumps tapping out a frantic rhythm, as she prayed breathlessly that she'd be in time to stop the waitress on the table top from shaking her money makers at elite of Phoenix's business community.
I can't read that without getting lost and losing my breath. Read your work aloud and you will understand what I mean.
Not hooked. I agree with the above commenters and won't repeat what they've said, but I'd like to add--I don't think it's a POV switch at the last paragraph, but I was a bit jarred. It had appeared that Callie didn't know the guy's name.
ReplyDeleteI think you could also move the two sentences of background about the party somewhere else so it doesn't pull from the action. (As director of communications...) The reader doesn't need to know that info right now. Maybe later. But not now.
I liked your description, though, I thought you made a good choice of what to highlight. I also appreciate it being set in Phoenix, as I know the area pretty well.
POV shift is very abrupt--and doesn't seem necessary.
ReplyDeleteI'm not handling contemporary romance at all, so I wouldn't request more of this. I also was mostly underwhelmed with the story and characters. I didn't find any major problems but it didn't feel extraordinary enough to set it apart from other work on the market.
ReplyDeleteWow. You did an EXCELLENT job of portraying your character's detail-oriented, orderly mind! I really like that!
ReplyDeleteHowever, the second paragraph is over-written, I think. Several things are stated twice in different ways.
The third paragraph I found confusing in a number of places. I had to read it twice to figure out who the would-be stripper is, since I missed the "money makers" hint. The "savior from Wild Mustangs" also has me puzzled. And then you jump backward to tell us who she is and what she'd done in the past. That pulls me out of the action.
And then you jump to Max McLeod, and we have to move forward and back to figure out that he's the fireman.
I'd say your strength is characterization. Big time. You're excellent at this. You need to work on scene and sequence, ie: telling things in the right order, so the scene unfolds in a manner that readers can easily follow.
Good luck!
I didn't read it as trying to sabotage the event. By 'planned for each of those disasters' I think the author means Callie had a plan in place these disasters happened.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the last two sentences of the third paragraph. It's backstory that gets in the way of Matt carrying the stripper.
The first sentence of the last paragraph reads as a POV change, though I don't know if it's meant to be.
Great stripper name btw!