TITLE: Happily Never After
GENRE: YA - Paranormal
Mama always told me Savannah was home to more than just the living. I remember her telling me stories of ghosts and magic and things that normally belonged in fairy tales. Her rich, syrupy voice would wrap round me with a magic of its own, making me believe. She said all you had to do was step out onto any street and you could feel it in the air, tickling the edges of your imagination, inviting you in.
We lived in one of the oldest houses in the historic district. A tall, proud home fronted with white columns standing like guards against the unrelenting Georgia humidity. Mama said that besides her, me, and Daddy, we also lived with a little boy and a soldier from the War of Northern Aggression. They crept through the house at night, moving furniture or crying. She said they even stood guard at the end of the bed. I never saw that. For me, it was always a flicker of an image, a brush of wind on my face, or the glimpse of something from the corner of my eye. I never gave them a second thought. In Savannah you were only considered odd if your house didn’t have ghosts.
I was seven when Mama died of an aneurism. She once told me our loved ones never truly left us and those words were a comfort to me during that confusing time. At least they were until late at night and the shadows pulsed around me in their silent dance.
I got an instant feeling of the setting with this opener, which I always like. I'm unsure of how old the MC is, though, as you refer to different points in history all within the first three paragraphs - remembering her mother telling her stories, then her current home, then her mother dying. I'm not sure which time and place this story is actually going to be in.
ReplyDeleteI'd also take out the second line in the opening paragraph - I'd far rather hear the mother telling one of these stories than be told that she told her stories. I wonder if you could even start the story with the MC seeing/experiencing the soldier from the War or similar.
Good stuff!
I'm torn here. This is all backstory, but it's well-written backstory. I really get the Southern voice from this too. I'll be really interested to see what Secret Agent has to say about this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rachel. Great writing, but see what you can do to make this come through the character's actions. Maybe put her someplace and have her reflect on these thoughts. If not, it feels like the dreaded...Telling.
ReplyDeleteNice writing, though. I just had to chuckle at the War of Northern Aggression. Also known as...the Late Unpleasantness.
I liked this. I felt that even though no "Action" took place, this was a good set up and with the mother dying, this gives "ghost story" a whole new feel. I'm ready to read more!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I definitely want to read more. I understand the comments about backstory, but like Rachel said- it's really well-written. Ron's suggestion to have her reflect on this while actively doing something may work, but it's hard to say without knowing where this is going. I think the action needs to start in the next couple of paragraphs either way.
ReplyDeleteThe intro makes me curious. I wouldn't say it hooks me-probably because of the amount of backstory but I would be interested in readingmore.
ReplyDeleteI got the distinct impression that an older person wrote the narrative - all the remembering - the telling.
ReplyDeleteThink about having dialogue between your MC and her mother as her mother tells the stories.
I picked up a sense of place right off - Savannah's my home town, and I'd like to read more of this.
I'm pretty much sold on the Savannah, Georgia ghost story thing all on its own.
ReplyDeleteThis is really well-written. Want more!
I’m hooked. Living with ghosts that you can only partly see would be both frightening and thrilling. You can tell from the opening that there will be more spirits involved in the story. Maybe even her mother will come back because you tell us “our loved ones never truly left us”.
ReplyDeleteHowever, while I’m enjoying the setup I want to see where this is going. Where does the action start? Is the MC still 7 and we begin with her mother’s death? Or is something else happening?
This set up and tone made me think of that movie Practical Magic. I love this. I don't feel things need to always start off with a bang, if the voice grabs me and compels me to read, I'm helpless to resist. Plus, who doesn't love a good ghost story? :)
ReplyDeleteGreat job.
Is this historical YA? (The war of Northern Agression reference)
ReplyDeleteI would remove the second instance of "stand guard" it's great once, but try something else for the second time.
I liked the voice a lot. Maybe that third paragraph needs to get to the here and now to give the reader context instead of the backstory. Definitely a lot to work with here, nice job!
oh I get the war reference is to a ghost. OK, that part I missed.
ReplyDeleteI just feel okay about this one but it doesn't wow me.
ReplyDeleteThe voice sounds like an adult to me, just a little too mature and collected.
I can't argue that it isn't well written, but it doesn't elicit an emotional response from me.
The writing is beautiful, and I love the voice. The only issue I see is that the narrator sounds younger than YA. I'm sure you're laughing since Ripley said the voice sounds older.
ReplyDeleteYou and I, we should talk! I'm just wrapping up to send off a ghost story set in the South, and I instantly loved your set up! Truly! I can understand though the points that have already been voiced. I felt like I needed to know a bit more about who the MC was. But let me clarify. I don't mean giving me her age, name and license plate number, it could be something quite subtle, which would fit in nicely with what you already have. One bit of action that reveals more about her, so we know we're not dealing with a young girl or an older woman reminiscing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the writing is good, but it didn't really pull me in. I wanted something to be happening instead of hearing back story. The background is good, but can we hear it later when we've been pulled into the story already?
ReplyDeleteDespite that, I would keep reading because your genre is what I read and the writing isn't off-putting.
Love this--especially the last two lines.
ReplyDeleteThis opening does a great job of evoking a place, but less so of evoking the MC. I don't really have a sense of her at all, and I want to. Even little hints thrown in based on where she's going when she steps out on the street, or what her room is like when her mama sees the ghost there. This is well written and very evocative, but I think you need to take out a little of the backstory and description and substitute in a bit more of her personality (or action...but I don't mind the slow build...)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Dana (#41)
I loved the opening and the voice of the MC. It is a really good example of scene-setting that I appreciate very much. I think something would be lost if you dropped it to focus on action. I think a story likes this cries out for such an opening. What you could do is let us hear the mother's rich, syrupy voice instead of just mentioning what she says. But, really top notch and I would want more.
ReplyDeleteOooo, ghosts in Savannah.
ReplyDeleteGreat scene-setting, but could you start us in a scene with the mother? Show us how they interacted before she died? How stark it would be to have this legacy. I want to see it on the page.
Give us vivid details of the hospital room, what her mother is wearing, her bed linens, the strange smells, strange people. Freak us out a little to set the mood. A 7-year-old would have vivid and horrible memories of that day and would have firmly attached that day to everything she knows about ghosts and what her mother told her and what she currently believes. It's basically setting the stage for her now, what, 10 years later?
I think this beginning is probably not quite the right one, but dig a little into this character and find out what pieces of her are still back at that day when she was 7.