TITLE: Lygos
GENRE: Supernatural/Paranormal Adult
Adella Dowling has seen a lot in her 200 years. She knows she’s different, even from her own kind, the Lygos. When love finally finds her in the form of Ian Walsh, she must find out all the answers to her past. She races against time and secrets from her past as she struggles to save not only her kind but that of her enemy, the Misolygos. It’s the only way she can save Ian, a Misolygos himself.
Adella – 1887
I drifted in and out of consciousness.
Nathaniel held me, kissing my cheeks, my hair, my lips, my body shivering with pleasure.
“Love you always.”
“Do not say that.” I smiled coyly.
“I will. Nothing could prevent my feelings for you. No matter what my father says.”
Warning bells going off in my head. Unable to move.
The magistrate with an evil grin. What was happening? Arms like lead. Legs too.
“I have been waiting for you.” His laugh I had always hated bounced off the walls.
Where was Nathaniel? I could hear him. He was saying…what was he saying?
“No. Not her. She is not like the others. You are wrong.” He shouted. He begged. He was silenced. Tears filled my eyes.
My knees drug against the cobblestone path as two guards held me under my arms. I tried to cry out but my tongue was a heavy as my legs. It felt as if my lips were sown shut. Please. Please help me! Nathaniel!
Cold.
I was weak but could move on my own. I had no energy to compel a guard, even if I had seen one. No one came near me. I knew why. The magistrate had ordered me left alone. The girl who had told him of my gifts rotted two cells over. I plotted her demise to take my mind off my own.
I sat on the cold damp floor. Snippets of the past fell away as I became aware of my surrounding for another miserable day. Rats scurried about waiting for tiny morsels of food to be left behind or a withering body to drop dead.
Not crazy about the logline. It feels too slow in the first couple sentences, and then sort of info dumpy.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something more like, '200 year old Adella Dowling is a different kind of Lygos. Her questions about her past don't bother her, until she meets Ian - a Misolygos - sworn enemy of the Lygos. When _____inciting event, she must race against time and discover the secrets of her past to not only save her own kind, but to save Ian's as well.'
Or something like that. You don't tell us why she has to race against time, so we're sort of robbed of stakes.
I do really like the writing though, and would keep reading. :)
Logline: I don't see the connection between love finding her and her need to find out all of the answers to her past (also, this is too general/vague...does she need a specific answer and if so, why?) Also, I don't know how she can race against a secret or why her finding out answers will save her kind as well as her enemy. You need to give specific details that show what she needs, why she needs it and who will stop her from getting it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I've never given crit for loglines before, and as ever take everything with a healthy pinch of salt.
ReplyDeleteI don't at any point get the feeling this is a mystery story, either in the logline or in the writing.
Like Holly Bodger, I don't see the connection between finding love and finding out her past. I found the last line a little vague - why does she have to save her enemies people? How is that connected to secrets from her past?
I realise this may be asking a little much to put in a logline, but less phrases like 'secrets from her past' and 'race against time' and more actual info wouldn't go amiss.
In terms of the actual opening - again, no mystery so far as I can tell, but it's grabbing. I like her being imprisoned, I guess if this is a romance introducing the lover is a good move - although that doesn't gel with the logline, where I assumed she meets him 'on-screen' as it were - and there's certainly some characterisation in this passionate and vengeful woman.
My main qualm with the opening is the dialogue. It's quite... choppy. The lack of contractions means it doesn't really sound like natural speech. Even if you are going for a historical-like setting, I'd strongly advise modernising the speech a little.
But yeah, overall, a good, grabbing opening.
Log line: I don't understand why the love interest necessitates her finding all the answers to her past.
ReplyDeleteWho's the enemy? <--I think that's what's missing.
Opening: it strikes me as odd that she's shivering with pleasure, but at the same time going in and out of consciousness. Wouldn't she be concerned about why she's losing consciousness?
As I read on, unfortunately I only got more confused. So the man is not who she thought? And she can't move? I think you're trying to make the reader feel like your mc, but right here, in the opening, is a tough time to do that. The reader needs to find her feet in this world first.
When you say Nathaniel was silenced, what does that mean? Does the mc see him 'silenced' or how does she know? The unspecific, 'telly' phrase distanced me from the action.
Her knees 'drug' against... I think you want 'dragged' here.
"I plotted her demise to take my mind off my own." I love this line!
The bit about the rats really set the scene for me. Nice!
For the logline, I can't figure out from this description what the mystery is. What is she trying to save them from and what's that process going to entail?
ReplyDeleteI was really confused by the narrative. It seemed like she was in a romantic interlude and then suddenly, there's a magistrate and she can't move, and then there are guards and she's in a cell but no one is coming near her.... I couldn't follow from one situation to the next without any transitions. Was she drugged or put under a spell at some point here? Are these seemingly unrelated bits actually snippets of separate memories?
I'm not sure why, if Ian is the love interest, we're starting with Nathanial. And I agree with Vicorva that the dialog seems stilted, even for a period scene.
It seems like there might be an interesting story here, but I'm not sure I have any idea at this point what it will be.
Thanks for sharing your work and good luck!
I'm enjoying it so far. I'd just suggest to use more contractions because it sounds more natural,especially in diagolue. Also, I think I'd have some longer sentences for variety because there are a lot of choppy ones. I think then it'd flow nicely. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLog line: Hmm. I feel that I'm at a disadvantage. I couldn't tell a Lygos from a pimple on me arse. I understood the message of the log line as far as the author went with it: Her mc's past threatens her future and that of the one she loves; still, the "Lygos" business was off-putting.
ReplyDeleteAs for the story, thus far, I guess I'm in the minority. I found it intriguing. Story questions were raised that caught my interest. I wondered who Nathaniel and the narrator were. It started in the 1800's. ..interesting. Why was the narrator drifting in and out of consciousness?
I would have preferred to know where she (!) and Nate were in that scene. Anchor it, give me more info.
"Magistrate with the evil grin" sounds cartoony; and "Warning bells going off in my head." I don't know. Rewrite that.
Some of the dialogue sounded stilted. . .Suggestion: read it aloud. Does it come across as authentic? Do the words trip off you tongue? Example: "His laugh I had always hated. . ." Maybe something like, "That laugh. I'd always hated. . ."
Nitpick: The narrator says something like, "Where's Nathaniel? I can hear him" and then, he shouts and begs, and tears fill his eyes. If she can only hear him, she wouldn't know about the tears.
I agree about "dragged." Tongue as heavy as legs? Oddly unnerving analogy. . .
The end, where the narrator alludes to being odd, everyone leaves her alone, she has a power to kill people apparently. ..that caught my interest. . .I wanted to know more, I wondered what she did to the poor sap two cells down. . .
Bottom line: could use edits, rewriting, fix a few glitches, but I like it. Good luck!
It's all a bit overwrought for my taste. Has a bodice ripper quality. Some may like this, but it's not my thing. Also, the language calls itself out in places; odd word choices, etc. This causes me to distrust the writer. e.g. begged, tongue as heavy as legs, etc.
ReplyDelete"Warning bells going off in my head. Unable to move."
ReplyDeleteThese sentences just felt odd to me, enough to make me back track and read again. Maybe "warning bells WENT off in me head. I was unable to move."