TITLE: Brink of Life
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Leroy Splinter was eight years old the first time he was arrested. Six years later, he could still see the scar around his right wrist from where the rusting handcuff had broken skin.
Every day, the scar was a reminder to keep out of trouble, and it did a pretty good job.
Dusk was slowly putting on its navy blue cloak and turning into night, and the few streaks of pink and yellow looked like paths that stars had left behind on the way to their positions in the sky. A tilted barn loomed beyond a patch of pumpkin remains, its stripping white paint dressing itself in the fading sunlight like a matron in her old prom dress. Two figures leaned against the door. Ray Splinter was thin, tanned, and wrinkly like a raisin. In a fraying straw hat, a maroon flannel shirt, and patchy jeans, he looked just like a hunched, long-nosed scarecrow. His expression was blissful as he tilted his worn visage upwards, chewing lazily on a piece of grass. Leroy stood next to his father, his wide brown eyes fixed on the outer woods. His straight, fair hair stuck out haphazardly from his royal blue cap as though someone had stuffed the hat with dried straw. His shirt was wearing thin and his large overalls fell in bunches over his toes, but he’d always had other things to worry about.
Leroy untangled a yard of twine from his left wrist that he’d wrapped around it for convenience.
This has a wonderful, compelling start, but bogs down in heavy descriptions. Try paring down. For example, if you take out "navy blue cloak," this is how it would read: "Dusk was turning into night, and the few streaks of pink and yellow looked like paths that stars had left behind on the way to their positions in the sky." Metaphors make the writer less invisible and should be used very, very sparingly. The prom dress metaphor took me right out of the story. My mind focused so completely on the description that the momentum of the story was lost. The writing itself is excellent, the descriptions are powerful -- but too much of a good thing. Kill your darlings.
ReplyDeleteI agree with skywriter. The descriptions are nice, but they took me out of the story too. I loved the opening!
ReplyDeleteI want to know why Leroy ended up in prison. I think the descriptions are heavy though.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree about the heavy descriptions, but the writing is good and I'm interested in Leroy. However, the excerpt starts out in Leroy's POV, but then in the next paragraph seems to slip into omniscient "two figures leaned against the doorway." and then the description of Leroy. Then the next paragraph goes back to his POV. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing start with the prison, but after that, as everybody's stating, we're bombarded with descriptions. We need some more ACTION here to keep us turning the pages. As the characters do things, layer in their descriptions. That's what I'd do, anyway.
ReplyDeleteSome parts of the writing seems like it tries a little too hard, too, though this might just be me. For example, the sentence, "His expression was blissful as he tilted his worn visage upwards..." Just say "he looked up with a blissful expression on his face." It sounds more natural this way, and I think that has something to do with the voice, too. Would a fourteen-year-old boy say "he tilted his worn visage upwards?" Probably not. See what I mean?
Anyway, interesting start. Good luck with it!
The opening is fantastic, but then we're thrown into a paragraph of descriptions that feel over-done, especially the use of color. Unless it is of utmost importance, what color things are can be left to the imagination.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, the second paragraph had me thinking this was told by a distant narrator - not a common factor in YA. I think this is the problem paragraph. We start wtih Leroy and need to stick with him through this first page to get some context. Then you can move on to the other guys and the barn, but first let's know about Leroy and what's up with that twine.
ReplyDeleteClearly you've put effort into the description, and most of it works, but clearing out some of the was/had's will make it stronger (also less of it in general this early on as was already stated).
For example I like what you have here: Dusk was slowly putting on its navy blue cloak and turning into night,
Rather than the dreaded was + -ing verb, you could say dusk donned its navy blue cloak and turned in to night. You still capture all your great visual but more succinctly.
I love description, but even for me this is a little heavy handed. It slows down the start that was interesting. Why was he arrested? Wanted to know...writing is solid, but I wasn't quite pulled in enough to want to read on.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
I agree that the descriptions are a bit heavy, but you've definitely got style. It's better to have too much than not enough - you can always streamline it.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in this Leroy, and why the handcuffs were rusted.
I'd read on.
Very intriguing, but agree on the excessive descriptions. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteFelt like the first, second and last paragraph were a different story by a diff author than the middle paragraph stylistically.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, as soon as I got to the big descriptive paragraph I skipped to the end.
I like the literary style, but then the descriptions ran on too long. Pick up the pace and drop at least half of the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI'm just like ripley. I started reading ended up skimming the big paragraph and read the end. Action and tighter writing would really help.
ReplyDeleteNice opening line but then the POV shifts and there's too much description bogging down the pacing.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked - there's a surfeit of adjectives that pulled me away from the story.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked - there's a surfeit of adjectives that pulled me away from the story.
ReplyDeleteThe first two paras are really good. They interest me. And then the description in paragraph 3 loses me. I'd go right into some action and cut most of that description.
ReplyDeleteI am very interested to know how an 8-year-old was arrested for the first time and how the scar kept him out of trouble. That is an interesting character for sure and his name sure fits.