TITLE: The Gifted
GENRE: YA Supernatual
The twitch of immense energy flowed into Rebecca Stevens’ fingertips. The fine hair along the nape of her neck prickled as she faced the target—a small wooden crate she had found in the forest, maybe some kid’s early idea for a fort. She surveyed the field, not a soul in sight, exactly how she needed it. Ever since Nathan, a young boy with the power to control water, announced his ability on national television, non-gifted people had tried to figure out ways to keep the peace. For people with powers, their peaceful life had changed for the worse, they’re feared, attacked, and blamed for everything. Luckily no one had discovered Rebecca’s ability yet.
Rebecca stared at the crate twenty yards away; the breeze blew her hair across her eyes. The weight of the railroad spike hovering nearby rested on her mind. The sensation of a foreign object inside her head quickened her pulse. The spike spun at her command as she tested her control. Her skill had improved over the past months, during her very limited practice time, but one thing remained constant; if she didn’t manage her emotions she lost any sort of accuracy. Perfect concentration was required, and she hardly ever achieved that.
With her energy focused, sweat ran down her back and neck. A stiff wind chilled her cheek and rattled the nearby trees. A twig snapped and she glanced toward the sound, a dog stood in the clearing, its brown eyes studied her. At least he wouldn’t give away her secret.
Some of the phrasings in the first paragraph are off, and you have a few misplaced commas.
ReplyDeleteI think your second paragraph makes for a stronger opening. I would suggest with some slight tweaking that you start there.
interesting premise. It seems like you should start with her powers, rather than someone else's though. It would create a more active beginning.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the second paragraph would be a better starting place (plus it means I would get to see more! I want to know what her power is!). I do really love the concept in the first paragraph, though, of the boy who announced his ability on national television. It'd love to see the world you've set up!
ReplyDeleteGood luck :)
I agree with the above. The concept is interesting, but you could hold some of the backstory until later. I also believe you have a tense shift. It should be, "they were feared," instead of "they're feared."
ReplyDeleteDespite the rocky start, I would keep reading. I really like the X-men/Heroes idea of people with abilities going public.
I agree w/the others about making the 2nd paragraph the 1st. Was confused about the sensation of a foreign object in her head - made me reread it thinking the spike was in her head. Also, the use of 'sweat' instead of 'perspiration' took me out of the story. And wouldn't her glancing at the dog, interfere w/her focus? Also wondered about the crate vs.spike. Would like to read more.
ReplyDeleteOverall, Yes.
ReplyDeleteSwitch the two paragraphs. Check the sentence with the dog for too many commas.
I like the concept.
Good luck!
I'm intrigued, but it feels weighted down by too much description. Also, the use of "they're" should be they were feared.
ReplyDeleteBut I like the voice.
Love it. You do an excellent job of showing, instead of telling. Switch the two paragraphs, perhaps leave out some of the backstory for later. Although, I did find it interesting. Definitely reminded me of X-men.
ReplyDeleteYou need some periods where you have commas, but outside of that, I found this entry riveting and intriguing.
Also, when you say, "The breeze blew her hair across her eyes," that might be a good opportunity to throw in some physical characteristics. Poor example, but to get across my point: "The breeze blew her blonde hair across her blue eyes."
ReplyDeleteFor me this just wasn't unique. I want to ask what makes it different than X-men or Heroes or Misfits or countless other stories about kids with gifts.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph has way to much tell versus show.
And the voice feels more like a distant narrator than a young girl.
Don't mean to be harsh (just honest and helpful) but I wouldn't read on based on this sample.
I disagree with the comment about blonde hair and blue eyes. That sort of description always rings as author intrusion to me--a false excuse to describe a person. I liked it as is.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, there is some awkward phrasing that isn't quite right ("some kid's early idea for a fort," for example).
The first paragraph is a bit too much of an info dump for me. I'd rather just see her go into the field and chuck the spike, and then later on the backstory could be developed.
Lots of good things going on here that are promising and some good turns of phrase, but I think the writing is *almost* there but not quite. Fixing the awkward phrases and working to take out the excess info would help a lot. :)
There is some interesting stuff in here, but I didn't really connect with the voice. It was too removed from the character. The first paragraph felt like an info dump and I didn't feel like any of the informations was essential at this early stage.
ReplyDeleteI would also have to wonder a little about how original the story is since every third YA book seems to be about teens with supernatural powers these days.
There is some interesting stuff in here, but I didn't really connect with the voice. It was too removed from the character. The first paragraph felt like an info dump and I didn't feel like any of the informations was essential at this early stage.
ReplyDeleteI would also have to wonder a little about how original the story is since every third YA book seems to be about teens with supernatural powers these days.
I'm going to agree with everyone else about the info-dump/back story regarding Nathan--it's not useful here and the reader doesn't need to know it yet. The only important part of that is the last sentence of that paragraph--nobody had discovered Rebecca's ability yet--and we can figure that out based on the last sentence of your entry.
ReplyDeleteI feel like what's missing here is a sense of urgency. She's practicing magic--which could potentially get her killed--and she's struggling and she's sweating and a twig breaks...and yet there's still no sense of worry from the reader. I think if you bring us inside Rebecca's head a bit more, this issue might be resolved.
(Also, I agree with Kaitlyne about not needing to include physical descriptions in that way--since the POV seems to be focused on Rebecca, she probably wouldn't be thinking about her own hair and eyes. I think that at this point, we don't need a lot of a physical description--so it's fine as is!)
Grammar nitpicks:
First paragraph: "She surveyed the field, not a soul in sight, exactly how she needed it" is a run on; I'd suggest an em dash or colon instead of the comma after "field." Same issue with "For people with powers, their peaceful life had changed for the worse, they're feared, attacked, and blamed for everything." You need a semicolon or a period between "worse" and "they're". (Also, "they're" implies present tense, but you're writing in the past tense here, so you need "they were.")
Second paragraph: The first sentence is grammatically correct, but I'd suggest making the connection between the clauses more apparent. The following three sentences have very similar structure, so I'd suggest breaking up the sentence structure there a bit so it doesn't get monotonous/choppy. In the following (5th) sentence, you should probably have a colon instead of a semicolon.
Third paragraph: "A twig snapped and she glanced toward the sound, a dog stood in the clearing, its brown eyes studied her." Again, same issue with earlier sentences--this is a run-on. I'd suggest a period after "sound" and "studying" instead of "studied" to fix the issue.
As some other people have said, there's some awkward phrasing here. My go-to for issues like this is to just read it out loud (slowly) and highlight/fix ANYTHING that sounds a bit awkward.
Honestly, it wasn't just the telling vs. the showing or the past present tense issues, not even the grammar thing that kind of made me feel this was just okay.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, because it's hard to judge off of 250 words. Sometimes it takes a bit to get rolling and I'm not of the mind that you need to blow me away from the word go as long as I'm drawn in by the voice, theme, or plot. Not necessarily my cup of tea, but I know there's an audience out there for this.
Good luck.
I really liked the first few opening lines. Tension built nicely. However, the second half of the first paragraph felt a bit like an info dump. Stay in the moment with Rebecca. Talking about the young boy takes us "out of the moment."
ReplyDeleteI think I would have liked this a lot more if it didn't remind me so much of the X-men. I'm still intrigued though.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. :)
It's pretty much all been said - so I just echo that starting with paragraph 2 may benefit your story, and detail more of her urgency with keeping her ability a secret and why. I think minimal body movement and description on breathing will liven the pace. One good showing of her tension is all that's needed.
ReplyDeleteI also want to echo the idea not to stick in hair and eye color all at once on the first page. This is a personal preference, I know people vary. But I am immediately pulled out when I read things like "her soft brown hair blew across her sea-blue eyes." BARF! Getting the gender in there is key, but those other descriptions can work in naturally when appropriate. Get to the meat of the tension, hook etc in these first words. Good luck!
Too much telling - I'd skip the first paragraph entirely.
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I think the longer, compound sentences need some shorter ones for variety, they come across poetic.
The twig snapping is almost cliche-ish, but the dog's arrival was something unexpected, which is nice. But its docility lacked something. I think it'd be more compelling had the dog bared its fangs at her. :-)
I think the electric nature of her gift is cool. However, I couldn't exactly picture what she her gift is. Maybe there's too much going on in the second paragraph?
Good luck! :-)
So the first paragraph doesn't work for me. The first line needs to be much stronger. I felt the story started in the second paragraph, which engaged me completely. I felt like I was her learning to manage her skill.
ReplyDeleteBut the third paragraph needs to be action. She has to move. If you cut the first paragraph, she would have moved on page one, right after the dog appears.