TITLE: THE DEATHLY DEALINGS OF BENJAMIN BLACK
GENRE: Middle Grade
On a tremendous pile of trash, as wide and endless as an ocean, there lived a lonely little boy named Benjamin. And as his place of residence should suggest, he was somewhat of an unusual child, and this is somewhat of an unusual tale. To that end, I shall not begin at the beginning, for that would be routine, run-of-the-mill and boring. And I shall not begin at the end, for then there would be little in the way of adventure and excitement to parlay. Rather, this story shall start somewhere in the middle, with the telling of how this unfortunate, forgotten little child became something more.
It all began the cold, rainy night Benjamin first laid eyes on a dead body. He was huddled inside a cardboard box that had previously housed a Kenmore refrigerator and now served as his bedroom. The sides of the box had grown soggy and damp from the rain. And with each passing moment an ever increasing number of raindrops seeped in through the walls, soaking the ratty pillow and blanket Benjamin slept on.
A more miserable bedroom one could scarcely imagine. But the boy called it home, even if it was located atop a trash pile that reeked of rotten fish guts and mustard, with rats lurking around everywhere. And as he looked out at the pouring rain that night, Benjamin felt he actually belonged there in that wretched place, among all the other foul smelling things people in this world carelessly throw away.
I love the idea behind this story and the voice too - it sounds a little old-fashioned, though. I like it but I wonder if MG-age kids would?
ReplyDeleteYou say you won't start at the beginning in the first paragraph, but then the next paragraph begins with, It all began... I actually think you could take out the lines where you talk about telling the tale and just get on with telling the tale. It's an interesting unique idea so you can hook readers with that instead.
I love this. The voice is strong and unusual and confident. I think the line about "all the other foul smelling things people throw away" is poignant, and totally brings sympathy for the MC. One point that builds on the one above - since you make the point so start in the middle, make sure you do so. Take out the all began (or maybe change it to "The middle begins the...") and bring us into it a little more quickly. The dead body is great, but then you slow down with a bunch of description that sounds suspiciously like the beginning. Still, all in all I love this and would keep reading ! Dana (#41)
ReplyDeleteI love this, especially the storyteller quality of the voice. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments about the line "It all began with..." but, in general, I really like this. I love the setting, in particular. As a lover of the Boxcar children in my youth, I am programmed to want to read about a MC that lives in a refrigerator box. :) More please!
ReplyDeleteReally, really enjoyed this. My only suggestion would be to cut some of the narrative and begin with "Bejamin saw the dead body..." Just gives the story some oomph :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments. It has an old-fashioned Dickensian feel to it. Which is exactly why I was jarred a little with the mention of a brand name "Kenmore." You could just say refrigerator, hmm?
ReplyDeleteNice job. I'm all in.
I liked this a lot. It made me think "Series of Unfortunate Events" with the storyteller voice. Really well done. I like the Kenmore reference, gave me a time reference.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice. Overall great beginning.
ReplyDeleteI love narrator's voice. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the way this starts off, but by paragraph two, I want to be in Benjamin's head, not the narrator.
ReplyDeleteHad you thought about that? When does he become the MC?
Yes, I'd like to read more.
Good Luck!
Made me think of Benjamin Button, was that a purposeful parallel? Anyway, I agree that you sort of contradict yourself, in the beginning...but, I liked this. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I'll agree that the "In the beginning" line contradicts the opening paragraph, but otherwise I'm totally hooked. I felt really sad at the end--poor Benjamin!
ReplyDeleteAs for the comments on cutting the first paragraph and that the tone is a little old-fashioned for MG readers... it reminded me of the Lemony Snicket series--which I love to bits. So I vote to keep it as is, and just change the "in the beginning" sentence.
Good luck!
I think you could actually skip the first paragraph. I'd rather "see" that Benjamin is unusual than have the narrator tell me that.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I enjoyed the voice for the other two paragraphs. Saying that Benjamin felt he actually belong in that wretched place tells me a lot more about the character than the opening paragraph does.
I generally like a narrative story-teller voice and yes, this took me to a Lemony Snicket place.
ReplyDeleteStill, I feel like you are playing with a false hook- a beginning sentence that hooks the reader so you can then go on for paragraphs saying what you want to say and leaving the reader hanging.
It didn't compel me.
I loved it. :) I love the voice. I agree with cutting the line about 'it all began' but I wouldn't cut the opening paragraph. I think it's great. I totally want to read more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! This is a wonderful example of "voice", and I felt drawn in to Benjamin right away. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI thought your second and third paragraphs were stronger than your first. I like the narration, but I felt somewhat bogged down by the end of the opening paragraph.
I agree with other commenters re: the use of brand names. I think it would be more powerful to leave it generic.
Have you read Andy Mulligan's "Trash"? The tone is completely different, but it's the first thing that jumped to my mind after reading the first sentence. Might be useful as competitive analysis research, and if nothing else, it's a pretty good book.
If you happen to be looking for a partner for beta read exchanges, I'd enjoy that (I'm entry #21). There's a quality to your writing I really enjoy.
Jeff
Excellent. Please ignore all suggestions to change the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI thought of Benjamin Button too only because of the Bs. Love the voice. Love the premise and am already wanting to help Benjamin get out of that horrid situation. Definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI was a fifth-grade teacher and used to read to my kids every afternoon for an hour. I can imagine their being hooked by this opening. I certainly am! Benjamin is someone I want to get to know.
ReplyDeleteThis has a very Roald Dahl-ish feel to it. Aside from the Kenmore reference, I think it's perfect!
ReplyDeleteThe details and showing are quite good. I can see Benjamin in his cardboard bedroom, living quite happily in other people's trash.
ReplyDeleteI felt like there was a lot of narrator telling at the beginning, which might work very well, but you ran out of room to give us a conflict, which I'm sure is going to show up at word #251. :)
The first line could be a place for that conflict as I got lost in the words and had to reread it a couple times to make sure he wasn't on the trash island IN the ocean. I think that first paragraph could work harder for you.