TITLE: Ungifted
GENRE: Upper MG Science-Fantasy
Dwyth Oruf focused on the giant lizard a few feet in front of him. He extended his Telepathic Influence toward it like a finger, and poked its brain.
Come on, you big stupid lizard—let me in!
Two hundred and fifty pounds of tough yellow skin and muscle—all of which stood perfectly still inside his log hut—stared back at him. So did Zeph, the older boy who stood a few feet to the left of the lizard, administering Dwyth the test. If Zeph hadn’t been controlling the beast with his Influence, it would’ve been running wild around the straw-floored hut. The older boy had been inside the beast’s head since the start of the test, keeping it still as a safety precaution.
Dwyth gritted his teeth. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t penetrate the lizard’s brain with his own Influence. No matter how hard he tried.
No surprise there. But no way was he giving up. Not this time. Of all times, not this time—his last chance for a future in society.
Come on, come on…He tried to tighten his mind’s extension, make it firmer so it could pierce through.
But it still wasn’t happening.
Please, just this once…
After a minute he felt Zeph’s Influence give a tug, and the beast slithered up to Zeph, who tenderly stroked its head.
No—that couldn’t be it! It was over too quick.
“I think that’ll do, Dwyth,” Zeph said softly.
“No—wait.”
Hooked! The writing is clean, the premise new and fun. I already feel for this kid and want him to move that lizard! (Or whatever he's trying to do.) Last chance for a future in society was the only line that felt slightly off in voice to me.
ReplyDeleteI liked the immediate problem presented, and the tightness of the prose.
ReplyDeleteI only had one niggling issue. When I read something italicized and capitalized, it echoes in my head with dramatic reverb. As such, the amount of emphasis placed on 'telepathic influence' and 'influence' every time felt almost comical. I think you can just use the word 'influence' (without italics or capitalization) and convey the exact same message without shoving the word up my nostrils.
yeah, Chro said what i was thinking. When i saw Telepathic Influence in italics, i said it in my head as this big booming movie announcer voice, which i don't think you're going for. I'd consider ditching the italics.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, i'm definitely intrigued about what's going on. I love tests and trials and stuff like that, so this is right up my alley.
Ditto on ditching the italics. Fun premise.
ReplyDeleteAlso for some reason I thought Dwyth was a dwarf on my first read. Maybe it was the "dw" combination. Maybe I'm an idiot.
I always feel like I'm trying to read Welch with some fantasy names.
I agree about getting rid of the italics. Leave the capitalization though if you want.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know a little more about Zeph other than just him being older. Just another small detail would work.
I don't think you need the "The older boy had been inside..." sentence since it just reiterates what you said in the previous sentence.
I'm intrigued and would read on.
I won't harp on the italics.
ReplyDeleteI liked this very much. I'd read on. It's pretty tight and has a problem and some world building without info dump.
"chance for a future in society" felt really out of voice. Maybe say something like "his last chance to be somebody" or even just "his last chance."
There were a few things I thought you could probably cut.
The line "the older boy had been inside..." as mentioned above.
The line "But it still wasn't happening" because we can see that it clearly isn't happening.
"It was over to quick" because the line "that couldn't be it" implies the perceived abruptness.
Good job, though, overall!
YES.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to read more and find out what happens.
Again, with the italics.
ReplyDeleteI had to reread Dwyth Oruf's name three times before I could get on with the story. I also thought he was some type of dwarf or some such. But I'm not huge of vastly different fantasy names. Just a personal taste though.
Other than that, I like it. I would keep reading to find out what is going to happen with him. Though I've read a few books about being the MC being 'ungifted' and I'd be looking for something extra to really make it stand out.
I echo the italics comments.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with JC's comment about Dwyth Oruf's name. My first thought was also dwarf.
That said, I like Dwyth and was rooting for him to be successful, even though I knew he would probably fail due to the title. I could feel his frustration.
I'd read on :)
I like it. I agree with the other comments and I would read on:)
ReplyDeleteIn agreement w/the others re: italics. Am rooting for Dwyth.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a nice opening. I would have liked to have seen perhaps a description of what Dwyth was doing, rather than simply being told he was doing it, just to perhaps give us an idea of how hard it is and why he is failing with it. But a nice start.
ReplyDeleteI'll focus on something that stood out for me - perhaps because of a personal preference - but made me dislike the MC. You can make of it what you will. I did not like the reference to "big, stupid lizard". It seems that a telepathic soicety might have gained respect for brains and thoughts that - while not human - were still worthy of respect, mystery and admiration. It is too easy to go from "big, stupid" anything to a place that an animal - even a lizard - is subjected to some cruelty. So, a small point but, to me, an important one.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the imagery of the first sentence, that drew me right in. I also am a fan of large reptiles, so, double good. I like how you opened with this test, which sets up some unique world building, and introduces an underdog character.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't to fond of the MC's name. It sounds like someone saying something with a lisp. Also, I think this could be stronger if you explained exactly what would happen if he failed.
Overall, you have enough interesting story elements that I would definitely read on. Good luck!
I really liked the imagery of the first sentence, that drew me right in. I also am a fan of large reptiles, so, double good. I like how you opened with this test, which sets up some unique world building, and introduces an underdog character.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't too fond of the MC's name. It sounds like someone saying something with a lisp. Also, I think this could be stronger if you explained exactly what would happen if he failed.
Overall, you have enough interesting story elements that I would definitely read on. Good luck!
I agree the ialics were just too much.
ReplyDeleteBut I loved "two hundred and fifty pounds of tough yellow skin and muscle" to show what this was. So would Dwyth really be thinking big stupid lizard? That just made me pause. I also wanted to remove the line "The older boy . . ."
And the end of that lie "—his last chance . . ." could be changed or removed.
If you did that (plus the implications of the title), I'm intrigued.