TITLE: Forever Friday
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Un milagro, they called me. A miracle. I heard the nurses whisper it to each other as they passed my hospital room. I saw it on the news for three days before my story was overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. And it was the first thing the Chilean doctor said to me when my scan results came back normal.
But I didn’t believe in miracles.
“Good morning, señorita,” the nurse said as she pulled back the curtains. “You are going home today, no?”
I nodded.
“Muy bien. The doctor will be in to release you soon.”
I tried to focus on the television, but I still found myself replaying the accident in my mind. Everyone had known it was my dying wish to go to Paris, ever since I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor over a year ago. So when the woman from the wish foundation called to tell me I’d been granted an all-expenses-paid vacation to Chile, I was seriously confused.
I was still confused a week into our trip, the morning of the accident. My mom said it must have been some kind of computer mix-up, or maybe a trip to Chile had just been more affordable than Paris, and that I shouldn’t complain about a free vacation. But it was literally my dying wish. You’d think they could at least get the country right.
Once we were there, my mom had insisted we take another flight out to Easter Island to view the upcoming solar eclipse.
I got a bit confused here along with the MC! Paris, Chile, a hospital, a brain tumor, an accident, Easter Island, solar eclipse. It feels like there's a lot of info in this opener but I haven't got a good sense of what's going on, nor of the MC in terms of character/voice.
ReplyDeleteIt raises a lot of questions and I wonder whether it might work if you began with the accident and then filled in details as you went along. The third paragraph feels a bit muddled too - as though the MC is figuring it out in his/her own head, which would be fine if we as readers knew more but as it is, it feels confusing more than anything.
I'm definitely intrigued though and would read more.
I'm hooked! A bit confused with all the details flying at me, but hooked none the less.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I want to find out what happened to her. I wasn't really confused. However, in this paragraph:
ReplyDelete"I tried to focus on the television, but I still found myself replaying the accident in my mind. Everyone had known it was my dying wish to go to Paris, ever since I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor over a year ago. So when the woman from the wish foundation called to tell me I’d been granted an all-expenses-paid vacation to Chile, I was seriously confused."
the first sentence and the rest of the paragraph are completely unrelated. After the first sentence, I expected to read about the accident. Actually the next paragraph does the same thing...Good luck!
Bit too much info at the get go. The story seems like it would be interesting, and I like some of the snark that the narrator's got. Just ease the reader in a bit more gradually and it would be great.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm hooked. I can tell there's stuff that needs to be filled in here as its only the first page of the story. But I found it pretty funny that they mixed up her dying wish in such a way. Then with Easter Island and Solar eclipses, I can just see that something interesting just happened. Dum-dum-dum! Want to know more!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice of the MC, in the bits where we get it, and the issue about the confused last wish. But, like the others, I'm a little lost. I'm wondering what's really critical to the story? I'm assuming it's critical that she ends up in Chile, I'm assuming she goes there dying then suddenly is miraculously cured. But I'm not sure why we need Paris, which just feels like a distraction. I also think the sentence and paragraph structure in the next-to-last para is confusing. She references an accident, then backtracks to her mother's excuses for the fact they're in Chile, then suddenly it's Easter Island and a solar eclipse. I really like where this is going, I think. But it might benefit from clearing out any info we don't need (i.e., Paris) and bringing the reader in more deeply. Good luck! Dana (#41)
ReplyDeleteI like the main character, and I get the sense there must be a very interesting premise behind this story.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion is similar to what others have said. There's a lot of back story being dumped on the reader at once. Perhaps there's actually an easier spot to start the story?
I like this, it is a lot of info to process, but all the same I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteSo count me in the hooked category. ;)
I was a bit on the fence about this one until I got to this: "But it was literally my dying wish. You’d think they could at least get the country right."
ReplyDeleteAnd then I was sold. I didn't feel lost in the backstory or details, I just want to know what happened. The voice of the narrator makes me want to stick around.
Good luck!
I liked this but agree that it feels like you were trying to squeeze every intriguing twist of your story into the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that compels me the most is that they got the wrong country for her dying wish- I love that and the fact that her mother wouldn't let her complain about it.
I like the location, the Spanish utilized, and the hint of Easter Island at the end.
Yes, I am certainly hooked, but would advise a little pulling back of so much info in the beginning.
You're dumping way too much information on one page. Also, one of my patients went through Make-A-Wish, and it's not a situation in which a kid makes a wish, and the organization sends them the tickets just like that. There's way too much involved for a mistake like the one mentioned in the story. Details like that will have to be realistic or your audience won't be able to trust and believe in your story.
ReplyDeleteI like your MC's snarkiness - "You'd think they could at least get the country right." Am willing to go along for the ride and find out why/how, etc.
ReplyDeleteI have to respectfully disagree with Lanette. Unfortunately, her experience with the foundation does not jive with what I've seen. But so glad that's what happened for her patient! May everyone receive such successful and timely wish grants!!
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I thought the way the MC's mom responded kind of proved the mom was hiding something. See excerpt below.
"My mom said it must have been some kind of computer mix-up, or maybe a trip to Chile had just been more affordable than Paris, and that I shouldn’t complain about a free vacation."
Maybe it's just me but the mom's response is fishy!! I, like Mary, would read on to find out what is up with the snark.
Oh, yes, I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteIt is an interesting premise and I would probably read on i fonly to discover how the miracle came about. I think there is too much information on 1 page and it causes the reader to start sifting. The change in time also happened in a bit of a jarring way. Consider cutting the 'my' when you talk about mom. My mom said...my mom did....just say Mom said, mom did etc.
ReplyDeleteI love the opener to this and you sustain my interest all the way through.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused too that they sent her to Chile instead of Paris; wouldn't the parents ask about that before just going to Chile? And then if you could explain in a line why the mix up happened and then in another line how they ended up deciding to go to Easter Island to see the solar eclipse.
I can't connect the dots to how they just ended up going to Chile without trying to figure out why and then can't connect how they got to Easter Island and the solar eclipse. You could take out a few lines about her focusing on the television, and tighten up the theme for us. The television is going to be there later, but we need to connect Chile, Easter Island, solar eclipse, right now so we can track the MC.
I think your title should be something with milagro in it too.
Love this! I don't think you need any further explanation about why her parents just went along with the Chile trip or how the mix-up happened--it seems to me that her mother knew exactly what she was doing and just didn't let the MC in on it.
ReplyDelete