TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I lean against the wall, trying to listen for movement over the light, whistle-y, breeze. My black hair is too short to pull back—why did I insist on cutting it?—so I hold my bangs out of my eyes with one hand and cup the other around my ear. There's more activity going on around the corner than I'd like. Of course there is, it's four o'clock. The daily harvest is being brought in.
Ten minutes earlier and I could have avoided it. I just had to take the scenic route. Although, to be honest, for someone who's worked in a nursery full of crying babies, anything outside the walls of the Hive could be considered scenic.
I lick my lips and peek around the corner, my heart behaving like it stepped in quicksand at the sight of all the ladies assembled in three orderly lines, waiting to check in their large loads. Why did I have to waste all that time looking for four leaf clovers? Maybe if I'd found one it would've helped.
Who am I kidding?
Well, there's no getting through the front gate, but there has to be at least one window open. I mean, it's a beautiful day, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's dying to enjoy a little summer air. I twitch my long, translucent wings as I look up the length of the outer wall.
One more peek around the corner, and then I take off flying, careful to stay out of view of the windows.
Overall I really like this--you've got a great sense of tension here--but this sentence completely threw me off: "I lick my lips and peek around the corner, my heart behaving like it stepped in quicksand at the sight of all the ladies assembled in three orderly lines, waiting to check in their large loads." Otherwise, this is a great opening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI found this oddly unsatisfying. I really have no idea what's going on because the threats are not described. I get that the MC is breaking rules and afraid of getting caught, but because I don't know what the rules are, or what the consequences might be, I can't force myself to care.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice in this one! The MC sounds like a fun protagonist, and I think that's what would make me keep reading for sure. That, and I'd like to find out why it's somehow forbidden for her to be outside . . . (plus she's a bee, right? That's awesome in itself).
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the change from observation to action and how the MC is revealed to be - well - a bee. :) Nicely done and very challenging. I think you would have to be careful with word choice....I don't associate lips with a bee. But, if the author is interested I would like to recommend a book by a Russian writer called Victor Pelevin called The Life of Insects. Very intersting stuff and the main characters are all insects. Was considered very cutting-edge when it was fist published aboout 10 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good grasp of YA voice, but I'm not sure it's the right voice for fantasy. I found that a little jarring. Is the main character human? Part-human, part-insect? I found this a little confusing.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not crazy about describing the main character in the first paragraph.
But I think with some revisions to clarify what's going on and what the world is, this could be a strong start to a light fantasy!