TITLE: DEATH OF A FLORIDA PURSE
GENRE: COZY MYSTERY
Elsie stepped out of the airport shuttlebus and stumbled to a stop. Cars lined both sides of the wide street in front of Mama’s house. There were only two reasons for so many cars—a party or …a death.
Mid-afternoon in a Florida retirement community. The stillness and silence were absolute. It wasn’t a party.
She barely noticed the shuttle driver dropping her suitcases and cat carrier on the sidewalk beside her. Surely she wasn’t too late? Tears filled her eyes as she stared at the front garden Mama had worked so hard to create—coral-flowered hibiscus, violet bougainvillea, even orchids growing in a magnolia tree. It was flourishing, while Mama…
A short, sturdy woman hurried out Mama’s front door. Watching her hustle down the path, Elsie felt as wooden and heavy as an old oak tree. She didn’t move until the woman flung her arms around her and said, “Sweetpea, I’m sorry—”
Elsie Leabeck, librarian, gardener, equestrian and mature adult, gulped in a deep breath of the soft Florida air and screamed at the top of her lungs, “Mama, how could you?”
Mama’s hugging arms had the strength of a woman who dug deep planting holes and hauled bags of peat and manure around her garden. But Mama wasn’t supposed to be strong.
“You said you were on your deathbed with pneumonia,” Elsie yelled. “I broke the lease on my townhouse, quit my job, put Emberly on a horse van and rushed down to take care of you.”
The opening certainly has the element of surprise while maintaining the language and rhythm of a cozy mystery. So, that was well done. I am not sure if I liked the surprise because of Elsie's reaction to it. I guess it would depend on what the circustances of the deception were. But, I bet the following pages explain that so I would go along for the ride. The idea of an older woman who is dealing with her -to say the least - apparently eccentric mother is full of possibility. Sounds like a good beginning to what could be a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. I think Elsie's reaction was over the top. She's supposed to be a mature adult but she's yelling at her mother. Her mother does seem eccentric so why would Elsie break her lease and quit her job without proof?
ReplyDeleteHaha! This was entertaining, nice twist at the end. I definitely wouldn't have broken my lease and quit my job for pneunomia, though--just take sick days. So that was a bit of an overreaction. But I found myself laughing anyway. I would read more. :)
ReplyDeleteLove it. I don't think there's anything wrong with her screaming at her mother, especially since you preface it by saying even though she's a mature adult, her mother gets under her skin in a way that makes her act like a child. At least, that's how I read it. I also love the title.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the lease breaking was unnecessary, but there are lots of other actions she could take that would show how quickly she left town to come care for her "sick" mother. This looks like an entertaining read and I would love to see more!
I was stuck on the title for a long time. How can a purse die?
ReplyDeleteElsie felt as wooden and heavy as an old oak tree. This doesn't read right for me. Do oak trees have feelings or is Elsie fat or is Elsie depressed? I'm not sure what you're going for here.
I think use Elsie here, otherwise there are too many unclear pronouns: She didn’t move until the woman flung her arms around her and said, “Sweetpea, I’m sorry—”
Sweetpea is a bit cliched. Maybe choose another?
Elsie Leabeck, librarian, gardener, equestrian and mature adult, gulped in a deep breath of the soft Florida air
I live in Florida and the air is never soft; it's humid, hot, full of northern breezes, but never soft.
and screamed at the top of her lungs, this is cliched.
You described Elsie as not only mature, but a librarian, so it doesn't seem realistic for her to scream at her mother. Maybe if you showed us her mother dressed as a man or with a bloody knife in her hand...
This has potential, but needs more tension, a better opening sentence, and more unique reactions and MCs to keep me reading. But keep working on it!
I don't read this genre, but your descriptions pulled me in. I especially enjoyed
ReplyDeleteElsie Leabeck, librarian, gardener, equestrian and mature adult, gulped in a deep breath of the soft Florida air...”
Mama’s hugging arms had the strength of a woman who dug deep planting holes and hauled bags of peat and manure around her garden. But Mama wasn’t supposed to be strong.
I get a sense of who both of these women are from this, especially Elise's duplicitous mother...and I certainly can picture her!
Since you do use description so well, perhaps--as another commenter mentioned--you could get rid of that cliche "screamed at the top of her lungs." I bet you could come up with something stronger and in line with Elise.
Good job reeling in a new-comer to the genre!
I think the twist here is funny, and you work the Southern mannerisms in well.
ReplyDeleteBut I think the twist comes too soon, and too suddenly. I want to know more about what Elsie sacrificed, and build up more of her fear that her mother is dead, before we find out it's a trick. And I think we need to see her realization and fury at the trick in a way that shows us a little more of her thoughts than just hearing her scream about it. By holding back the information you're distancing her from us a little too much.
But this is a promising opening conflict!
Cute, and definitely cozy! I like the setup and I'd be interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the "wooden and heavy" line didn't work well. It struck me that if she is in her mother's arms she wouldn't shout at the top of her lungs--that would be right into her mother's ear! Same with the last paragraph, where she yelled again. I'd rework it so that the lines about her strong arms (which I liked) are earlier, so that Elsie can push her Mama away before shouting/yelling.