TITLE: Homeschooling Slayer
GENRE: Adult Vampire Satire
Dee hated getting bitten right before the kids’ math lesson. The vampire had taken her by surprise in the bedroom, and now she felt one fang sink into her neck as cold hands gripped her shoulders. Trapped against the dresser, she leaned back as far as he could to stop the other fang from gaining purchase. Her hand shot up between her blouse and her attacker’s chest, jabbing thumb and forefinger into the soft part of her attacker’s lower jaw—hard enough to damage and hopefully shut down the salivary glands.
It was too late.
The enzyme that vampires released to facilitate blood flow hit her bloodstream, and she felt it shoot up into her brain. Light-headed, she could still make out the kids’ voices in the living room.
“Stop touching me!”
“Mom! She touched me first!”
Not the children. Not ever. The strength she needed flooded her muscles. Dee arched her back, clearing her hips far enough from the top drawer so she could reach down with her left hand and tug it open.
Her fingers plunged past a scarf, dug through thick underwear, then got tangled in the more lacy stuff hidden underneath, searching in vain for the feel of hard metal. The vampire lunged to match her motion, straining to get the second fang in.
Dee squeezed his neck viciously, crushing cartilage and tendons, wondering how much time she had until the trance would start. She felt a tendon snap beneath her finger.
The writing is strong here. I did like the first sentence, but it suggests that she had been bitten before the kids' math lesson before--it that the case?
ReplyDeleteNice to see a new take on the vampire story--where it isn't a love interest and the mc has some sass. Your writing is strong and the action flows well with the background "noise" of fussing children--gives the satire feel quite well. I can almost picture Buffy as a suburban mom now. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe concept reminds me of the Demon Hunting Soccer Mom series. I love that series and would love to read one like it. I like the juxtaposition of the kids fighting while their mom is also fighting. I am having some trouble picturing the scene, though. Can the choreography be simplified? Also, if she can snap tendons, wouldn't she crush the windpipe? And I agree with the first commenter that it sounds like she often gets bit before the math lesson. These are quibbles, though. It's a fun beginning and I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteIn place of bitten, maybe you could say "attacked?"
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting idea, but I had trouble getting into it. Maybe it's just that a fight so early on asks me to care about the outcome when I don't know any of the people involved. (Plus, just on a personal level, I'm not crazy about blow-by-blow fight descriptions.) Maybe a paragraph or two with the kids as set up before the vampire springs at her?
I'm not really sure Vampire Satire is a genre, and I wasn't sure what your protagonist was feeling. Was she afraid or annoyed? Also, it seemed like she was getting in a lot of action (squeezing his neck, popping tendons, rummaging through her dresser) and the vampire was just standing there trying to get his second fang in. Wouldn't he be fighting back?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
The opening line reads as though she get bitten often and just doesn't like the timing today. Not sure if that's the case or not.
ReplyDeleteWhile I do enjoy satire and the idea of the mother fighting to protect her children, there was too much detailed blow by blow (and what appears to be a wrong pronoun in the third sentence btw) to keep my interest in the situation at hand.
I love the idea of this, but there was so much description of the mom's actions that it became confusing. Also, I agree with another person that the vampire seems too passive.
ReplyDeleteI loved the sensual language you used during the attack. It showed just how personal and intimate a vampire bite would be. I think you've got a good thing going here. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI think this is clever and funny. I like the opening line, precisely because of the assumption that she's been attacked before math class a number of times. (If that's not what you meant, it's unclear.)
ReplyDeleteI'd read a few more pages to see where this went.
The title is great, and I had to laugh at the comment that a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom series exists. Of course it does! LOL
ReplyDeleteI love the first line. After that, I felt it might be a bit too in the middle of the action too soon. Maybe if that first sentence was a stand-alone, and the next line was another internal reflection, where the reader gets more context on the absurdity of what was just said, then the action has a little more context. This now feels like a later page in the chapter than a first page.
But the secret agent liked it, so there you go!