TITLE: Love and Cupcakes
GENRE: Women's Fiction Magical Realism
This is the opening of my novel about Jack Pace, the owner of a cupcake bakery whose ability to sense other people's desires threatens to ruin her business and the possibility of a romantic relationship with her business partner, Graham.
Jaclyn Pace could smell desire. Not in the a-wild-bear-can-smell-fear kind of way, but in the physical, literal sense. When she came within two feet of people desperate for something sweet to eat, she could tell with one inhaled breath exactly what they craved.
With some people, it was a subtle whiff of chocolate that tickled her nose. With others the sensation was so strong Jack had to hold on to the smooth counter to keep from being knocked over by the scent of strawberry shortcake or rocky road.
It didn’t help that the town of Sugar, Georgia, was shrouded in a faint scent of spun sugar year round. It clung to clothes and wove into hair so the townspeople smelled like they’d just come from a circus, though the last one of those to come to Sugar was more than ten years before.
She didn’t have to concentrate or chant magic words to make it happen. It was simply there. Like a hint of flavor in the air. As the owner of a cupcake bakery, she normally didn’t mind the constant attack on her senses—it was good for business.
But business could always be better.
Jack removed the special order cupcakes from the cooler. The metal tray numbed her fingertips. She transferred the pink cupcakes topped with vibrant lemony icing into boxes, fitting each one into a hole in the cardboard tray. Then she stacked the boxes and inched them off the table until she could get both hands underneath them. Halfway to the front counter, she froze.
The pang of desire hit fast. It was strong, almost deliberate, like whomever it belonged to wanted her to feel them. She shook her head to dislodge the scent. The air in the room grew hot. She leaned into the door jamb and forced herself to breathe. The air burned her throat. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on the flavors that assaulted her. The sharp bite of salt mixed with the sugary flavor of milk chocolate and caramel made the glands in the back of her throat clench.
Her vision blurred when she opened her eyes. Dark figures moved on the sidewalk and across the street, but she couldn’t make out their faces. She lost feeling in her fingers. Her arms trembled with the weight of the boxes. They slipped from her grasp and hit the floor with a crunch. The top two boxes slid off the bottom. One tipped, hitting on its side before landing upside down.
She crouched, hanging her head between her legs as she forced air in and out. The sensation subsided just as quickly as it started. The scent of lemon emanated from the mess on the floor. She lifted the lid of one box. Icing clung to the top in thick, yellow globs. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand.
“S***,” she said.
She picked up both of the mashed boxes and dumped them in the garbage.
I love the concept here. I think the problem is the first few paragraphs are all telling. It could work for a query, but not for your opening. I'd cut all of it until she's pulling the cupcakes from the cooler. Trust your reader to figure out what's going on. You do a great job of describing what she's experiencing. Start there!
ReplyDeleteYou might want to look at how you begin your sentences - in a few paragraphs, most of them start with either "the" or "she." I'd vary them a little more.
I do wonder about the nickname Jack, only because it's not at all gender neutral.
Otherwise, I enjoyed this a lot. The premise is intriguing!
I agree with Tarak - the first thing I thought reading this was that there was a lot of telling. It's all very interesting - I love the concept - but you're distancing me from the story by telling me all this fascinating stuff, rather than letting me slowly discover it by following Jack through the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you might want to settle your genre. 'Women's Fiction Magical Realism' doesn't sound like a real genre. You have to ask; where would this be shelved? If the fact that Jack can smell desire isn't a big deal, then Women's Fiction might be good. If there's a whole fantasy plot around this ability, then Fantasy might be better.
I'm going to disagree slightly with the others, here. I thought you had a great hook in the opening paragraph, but I agree that the following three paragraphs could be greatly condensed. What about something like:
ReplyDeleteJaclyn Pace could smell desire. Not in the a-wild-bear-can-smell-fear kind of way, but in the physical, literal sense. When she came within two feet of people desperate for something sweet to eat, she could tell with one inhaled breath exactly what they craved. Chocolate, strawberry shortcake, rocky road--with some it was a subtle whiff, with others the sensation was strong enough to knock her over.
It was a useful talent for the owner of a cupcake bakery.
In the second half, the sensory description was great, but I got confused about the layout of the bakery. Were the coolers in a back room? Where was Jack standing when she saw the figures on the sidewalk?
I agree with tarak. I think this is a terrific concept, and I'd like to read more. (I like the name “Jack” too.)
ReplyDeletePlease take my comments with a grain of salt, because I haven't had much experience writing critiques. So here goes:
Your first line “Jaclyn Pace could smell desire” really grabbed my attention. I wonder if you could pull readers in by skipping right to the “With some people” paragraph?
I like the info about the town, but maybe that's a tell that could come a bit later? It just pulled me out of the flow and made me stop and wonder what's going on in Sugar to make it smell that way, plus the circus reference seems unnecessary here.
I like this paragraph:
She didn’t have to concentrate or chant magic words to make it happen. It was simply there. Like a hint of flavor in the air. As the owner of a cupcake bakery, she normally didn’t mind the constant attack on her senses—it was good for business."
I also like the description of the desire attack. But I'm not sure how one experiences clenched throat glands. Is there some other way to say that she gagged or choked or whatever?
I'm not sure that you need to know about the dark figures. Again, it pulls me away from what is happening to Jack.
“S***,” she said. (I don't think you need the "she said" tag, since Jack is the only one there.)
You leave us with lots of questions. I'd certainly keep reading.
The abrupt transition from desire, cupcakes and a town that smells like sugar, to dark figures & a sensory attack on Jack -- didn't flow and confused me as a reader.
ReplyDeleteI generally agree with what has been said, and I wanted to add that when we move to seeing Jack in the bakery, the prose takes on a blow-by-blow rhythm that feels a little at odds with the very sensual experience you're trying to describe; at the same time seeing each action in this manner, almost frame-by-frame, is a little disconcerting without any sense of the greater setting. Where is Jack in the bakery? Is the bakery open yet, is anyone else there? Are the figures dark because of her experience or because of the time of day? I think perhaps the introduction was meant to try and ground us a little in Jack, but instead it's summarizing her—perhaps a different entry into this first synesthetic experience would help us be carried along in these flashes of description, rather than struggling to fit them together.
ReplyDeleteUnlike many of the other commenters, I really enjoyed the beginning. It reminded me of a fairy tale, which would seem appropriate it you're going for magical realism.
ReplyDeleteBizarrely enough, the mass of description in the bottom half (that everyone else enjoyed) lost me. The transition was a bit abrupt, and I stopped being carried along by the fairy tale and got bogged down in the description.
For instance: "Her arms trembled with the weight of the boxes. They slipped from her grasp and hit the floor with a crunch. The top two boxes slid off the bottom. One tipped, hitting on its side before landing upside down." That seems like an awful lot of description for "The boxes slipped from her grasp and splatted on the floor." I was much more interested in why she felt poorly than exactly how the boxes landed.
I know it's not very helpful to have people telling you completely opposite things - sorry about that. I guess it just shows how subjective stuff like this is.
I agree with others about too much telling; if you can introduce these details as you go rather than all in one lump (and ideally through her actions, rather than out-and-out telling), it'll help.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, this passage also had a big disconnect for me: You mention Jack smells desire when she's within two feet of people craving sweets, yet she has this episode without anyone nearby. Perhaps this discrepancy gets explained later on, but it's because you defined this specific distance that it threw me off. If you'd said something less concrete than 2 ft, even as simple as "near," then I could imagine someone just outside the shop affecting her in such a way.
And one more minor thing... couldn't at least one of those boxes have been salvaged by re-icing? The "crunch" is the only thing hinting that more than the icing was affected, and it might not be enough.
I agree with the other comments. There's too much description. Many of the action descriptions could be deleted or toned down. "Fitting each one . . . underneath them" seems like a lot of info that's not necessary. "The air in the room . . . throat clench" - I wanted her to be hit by the scent of the chocolate and caramel immediately instead of reading an entire paragraph to get to it. "They slipped from her grasp . . . upside down" - just say that the boxes crashed to the floor instead of giving exact directions as to how they landed.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion - instead of dumping them in the trash I kind of wanted her to shove one in her mouth. Or maybe that's what I would personally do with the cupcakes. :)
I disliked the nickname "Jack" as it is so male and took me out of the story. I do realize there is a trend (incomprehensible imho) to give girls in fiction names that are male but I think this goes too far. I keep thinking of Johnny Cash singing a Boy Named Sue or Leslie Neilson saying Don't Call me Shirley.
ReplyDeleteI actually thought you could begin with the paragraph "Jack removed the special order cupcakes..." Much as i like the hook of Jack smelling desire, I do feel it might be a bit too tell-y. maybe you could work it in later, after she smells the desire and dumps the cupcakes.
ReplyDelete@Jasmine; the boy-names-on-girls trend has definitely crossed over to real life; I know many little girls with overtly "male" names, or have first names that are genderless nouns. I applaud fiction character names that aren't another Maggie, Chloe, or Zoe! LOL
ReplyDeleteMoving on, I love this premise, and that the town is Sugar, Georgia. Handled the well, this could be really great. I would watch on getting too cutesy; the town name is great, and I love the description, but I would maybe use another word besides sugar (spun sugar is used right after naming the town, maybe replace with describiing sweet confections or something). I really liked the first line. The advice given here is good about making each word count, condensing when you can to keep the story going, such as not describing exactly how the box fell but just that it fell. Save the details for the smells of the delicious treats and how her senses use them to her advantage.
I also agree on paring down your genre. Maybe look for similar works and see how they are listed on Goodreads. Good luck with this!
I loved the premise that your MC can smell people's desire! A part of me wished that her "power" went beyond just sniffing out people's sugar-flavor cravings to what they truly wanted. (Maybe she sees the cravings, but gets a hint at something beyond this?)
ReplyDeleteI liked the description, although it felt a little heavy at times. What might help is to vary the pacing near the end... i.e., let the description set the stage, but then when she drops the boxes, move to quick action with less description.
After the swear word, I'd suggest adding a line of internal dialogue that gives the readers a stronger hint into Jack's unique character (her emotional reaction to what just happened, beyond the fairly generic s*** and dumping the boxes in the garbage).
Overall, this had great voice and I'd enjoy reading more. Nice job!
Your descriptions work very well and are a pleasure to read. I think what is lacking is a sense of the stakes or the importance of her ability. You state it but then it is followed by rather mundane examples such as what they wish to eat. Is her ability to sense desire able to incorpoate more nefarious desires - money, power, lust, revenge, etc? I would find that more compelling than the examples given if that is indeed the case. I think - however nicely written - that much of what is here could be streamlined so that the conflict of the story is hinted at earlier without the admittedly wonderful descriptions. The opening paagraphs reminded me so much of the movie Chocolat that I wonder if that might be a problem depending on which was you take the story. I agree that the genre needs to be nailed down more to choose where one would look for your book as womens's fiction and magical realism together might not be an option. Her expletive at the end kind of undermined the lyrical beauty of the writing and made her suddenly seem suprisingly coarse.
ReplyDeleteI was really drawn in by this concept, though I think a some of the other critiques really nailed the issues that I saw. There is definitely a disconnect between the description in the first part and the action in the second. Adding to what Christine and Happy Dolphin commented on just above, for a while after I started reading, I really thought you were talking about sexual desire. I thought you meant that each person's sexual desire made them smell differently to her (it all makes more sense when talking about cupcakes!). Perhaps her ability could use clarification, one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteBTW - You should read The Kitchen Daughter by Jael McHenry. It's about a woman (with Asperger's) whose dead relatives appear in her kitchen when she cooks their old recipes. It may give you some ideas of how to flow between the magical realism and everyday life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of the comments, everyone. I appreciate the honesty and suggestion for how I can tighten it all up. I've been struggling with how to set the tone with the magic and then move right into some action. So, I'll keep working.
ReplyDeleteif anyone's interested in swapping stories/novels for one-on-one critique, let me know. I'd love to read stuff from other on here!
Jaclyn Pace could smell desire. Not in the a-wild-bear-can-smell-fear kind of way, but in the physical, literal sense. [This is a definite turnoff for me. That wild bear can smell fear in a very literal sense. The human body emits specific pheromones in response to various stimuli. Among those stimuli is fear. As the body releases the fear pheromones, the predator animal can actually smell the odor… in a literal not virtual sense.] When she came within two feet of people desperate for something sweet to eat, she could tell with one inhaled breath exactly what they craved. [LOVE this image! (But what happens when her senses are assaulted by more than one person's desires?)]
ReplyDeleteWith some people, it was a subtle whiff of chocolate that tickled her nose. With others the sensation was so strong Jack [Why include the nickname here? You just introduced her 4 sentences ago. I found this use of a proper name over the pronoun distracting.] had to hold on to the smooth counter to keep from being knocked over by the scent of strawberry shortcake or rocky road.
She** didn’t have to concentrate or chant magic words to make it happen. It was simply there. Like a hint of flavor in the air. As the owner of a cupcake bakery, she normally didn’t mind the constant ["constant" implies an ongoing, non-stop barrage. Perhaps a better word choice might be "continual" or "continuous".] attack on her senses—it was good for business.
Jack** [In this context, the name, by itself, is a little off-putting. For a brief instant the reader is thrown into wondering who Jack is. It is not until the next sentence, where the metal tray numbed 'her' fingertips, that the reader fully recognizes who Jack is. You might want to revisit how you introduce the nickname.] removed the special order cupcakes from the cooler. The metal tray numbed her fingertips. She transferred the pink cupcakes topped with vibrant lemony icing into boxes, fitting each one into a hole in the cardboard tray. Then she stacked the boxes and inched them off the table until she could get both hands underneath them. Halfway to the front counter, she froze.
ReplyDeleteThe pang of desire hit fast. It was strong, almost deliberate, like whomever [With all of the 'bickering' over "who" and "whom" people always seem to have a tough time figuring out just which form to use when. Even when we try to codify 'rules' to simplify the question, the seeming contradictions only serve to make it more confusing.] it belonged to wanted her to feel them [Since there is no clear cut indication of whether the person attached to this particular 'vibe' is man or woman. We can be fairly certain, however, that it is only one person. So the use of the plural, even in a colloquial/common usage, would be incorrect. The best option, in this particular circumstance, might be to eliminate it altogether or to refer back to the 'pang of desire' itself and say, "…whoever it belonged to wanted her to feel it", or "…sense the desire".] She shook her head to dislodge the scent. The air in the room grew hot. She leaned into the door jamb and forced herself to breathe. The air burned her throat. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on the flavors that assaulted her. The sharp bite of salt mixed with the sugary flavor of milk chocolate and caramel made the glands in the back of her throat clench. [In the opening paragraph, you state that, "When she came within two feet…" In this paragraph, she seems not to know whose desire she is sensing. Is the bakery that crowded that she cannot discern the owner of the desire? If she is within two feet of the person, one would think she would know who it is. A lot of questions about how this paragraph unfolds.]
She picked up both of the mashed boxes and dumped them in the garbage. [ALL of the boxes ( btw, might be a good idea to tell us, give a better image of just what Jack is carrying to the counter) likely would have sustained damage and all of the boxes likely would have damaged cupcakes.]
One of the biggest problems with proofreading/editing is that we know our stories and characters so well that we sometimes fail to see the obvious. In this case, I think your story needs a bit more fine tuning before it is ready for the submission stage. That is why that old saw about putting it away for a few months before final edits really IS a good idea.