TITLE: Savannah's Grace
GENRE: Contemporary YA
I counted back, flipping through the calendar until I located when it happened. It was four weeks and twenty-one hours before the day that set my discovery in motion, before I was reclaimed; revealed. Before I realized who he was.
Having no knowledge of the timer ticking along in the background, I pushed whole grain cereal around in a red plastic bowl. Dried, hard morsels on the far left side, milk in a puddle on the bottom.
A hard thump echoed from Dad’s bedroom. I didn’t react to the sound. My eyes remained steady on my soggy breakfast. Another bump, this time louder. And then a giggle. I rolled my eyes back.
Moments later the source of the noise breezed by me. I refused to look up or even say hello. I wondered how long she’d last. I fought to remember the skinny girl’s name. What was it again? Joy? Veronica? Denise? No, no, those were from the women before.
“Lydia! Hurry up, I’m thirsty,” Dad yelled.
At the sound of her name being called, Lydia whirled around and her bathrobe peeked open, exposing her nude body.
I waited for an apology, but none came. Lydia shoved back low drifting bangs and sauntered back to the bedroom, two bottles of Gatorade grasped by talon-sharp fingers.
Shaking my head, I got up and washed the bowl in the sink. I wandered over to the orange couch and plopped down. I would’ve turned the TV on, but we didn’t have cable.
I love this scene. I love the internal clock foreshadowing something in the beginning.I would so read on, wanting to know what this girl's world is all about. You've managed to "show" a lot in the first 250...enough to keep the reader guessing though too. Great YA voice :) Good luck with this contest!
ReplyDeletePoor girl. Great opening paragraphs, I got a strong sense of her character and her home life. I wasn't too crazy about the beginning paragraphs though. Too me, it wasn't effective foreshadowing because I had no conception of the characters or plot yet. Otherwise, I think you have a strong, intriguing beginning. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGood voice. She comes across as sulky teen which is good but I really want to like her and don't at the moment. Perhaps you could show her more buberable side. Having said that I still want to read more. Good luck with the competition.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the 1st 2 paragraphs. I don't like being told I'm beginning in a flashback. Just start me there and flash me forward when appropriate.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I thought it was okay. I felt sympathetic toward the girl. Poor thing...no cable... :)
The first paragraph doesn't work for me. It's much too vague to catch my interest. Maybe you should establish where she is and what she's doing before the thought hits. Maybe you should start with the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I agree with others that I didn't like the first paragraph. Just start us in the flashback if that's where you need to start us. Your writing is strong, but I'm not quite feeling for the main character yet. Still, I would read on to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree on the first couple paragraphs because of the pronoun usage. I would rather just know what we're talking about so I can get invested.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this has some really awesome voice and internalization. I would read on to see what's up with this MC. :)
Good job and much luck!
Oh yes, this is an awesome start!! I love the foreshadowing, not knowing what's going to happen. It makes me want to read more. This is how it is nowadays, with e-books and free chapters on Amazon. You've started in a very intriguing way! Can I read the first chapters, please? You've left me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!!
I think you have a lot of intriguing elements here.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm afraid it felt like a few too many elements mixed together for me to really be drawn into the story. I wanted to stay with one piece or another -- the calendar, who "he" really was, her relationship with her father, the other girls -- rather than seeing all those elements introduced at once. There wasn't anything I could really hold onto here.
But with some clarifying and focus, this will be a good start!