TITLE: Diablerie!
GENRE: Young Adult Contemporary
I realized my life was a mess the day I received my first college mailer. It came from Lowell’s Career Tech Academy in Aberdeen, Washington. I flipped through the brochure and noticed a coupon on the back that said if I acted now, I would receive 20% off my tuition. In tiny fine print, there was the disclaimer that “the college’s accreditation is under review.”
I was about to recycle the brochure when I noticed the mailing label had my reversed my name. Instead of Lawrence Collins, it read Collin Lawrence. The college had sent this to the wrong person. I wasn’t even good enough for a two-year technical school that allowed its students to double major in Dental Hygenistry and Cable Installation.
This letter was the equivalent of a polar ice cap melting. OK, maybe equating my college admissions chances with the demise of our planet is a bit exaggerated, but I did get the distinct feeling that, just like many of our coastal communities, I would be underwater unless I drastically changed my lifestyle. So starting this school year, I gave up pot and alcohol and devoted myself to cleaner living.
My friends don’t understand what’s happened to me and keep asking if my feet hurt in those goody two shoes. They’re a riot, those guys. They miss the old Lawrence Collins – the one who got high before 5th period Biology and lit his hair on fire with a bunsen burner.
I like the idea of using the collage mailer mailed to the wrong address as the start of him turning his life around, but wondered if it would had more energy, less telling, if you could have him rip open the envelope with excitement only to realize it wasn't even for him, and the follow with his internal I'm going to turn my life around story - crush the cigarettes smash the bong - that way it's the same basic idea but with some action and emotion - more showing - thrown in.
ReplyDeleteSo... the writing is nice, and the character seems interesting. My issue with the page is that it's pretty much entirely backstory. I thought the brochure thing was in the present moment, but its just a flashback. While the writing is entertaining and the quips are all humorous, I think you'd do better to start this in the first real scene Lawrence has and feed us this information a bit at a time.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line, and the first two paragraphs are strong.
ReplyDeleteI think moving your character forward into an active scene would help instead of more backdrop information. The third paragraph is a bit muddled because of the ice cap declaration, which is then taken back, and then I wasn't sure if he already gave up pot or if it was his goal (starting this school year threw me off). When it gets to the guys not understanding, this is a good place to unfold and show the scene. After paragraph two, Lawrence and his friends coule be interacting at school where it's shown that he's given up pot and partying because x and you can introduce more characters and plot.
"My friends don’t understand what’s happened to me. They miss the old Lawrence Collins – the one who got high before 5th period Biology and lit his hair on fire with a bunsen burner."
ReplyDeleteThat as a first sentence would hook me. The long explanation about a college mailer didn't.
I absolutely love the voice in this and would continue reading, but as the others said above, if this doesn't lead to a present moment and present action very soon, it will lose all it's punch.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Nothing happened. The MC explained things to the reader for the whole 250 words. Find a place in the story where something changes for the MC - maybe the event that prompts him to give up drugs and alcohol, or something else you may have coming up, and then show him in that situation. SHow us what he does, why he does it, and how he reacts.
ReplyDeleteI think you started your story in the wrong place. There's a disconnect in your chronology: At some point in the recent past he recieved a college mailer sent to him by mistake, and in the 3rd paragraph we learn that THIS is what compelled him to want to attend a real university someday.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph is great and if you could work some of that into your opening instead of what you have now, there would be tension and we'd begin to see his problem. The 4th paragraph shows us the change in his life that triggers his journey forward. What happens before this is filler and can be weaved in later if at all.
Good luck!
You have a good sense of the absurd and your protagonist sounds interesting. I'd think about how you can convey information in a more dynamic way. Instead of saying 'I noticed the mailing had...name' phrase it so that the reader makes that discovery 'The label said...' and then make a comment. I also think that you can think of a morecreative way to show how the character 'gave up pot and alchohol...living.' This could be the base for some wonderful scenes that show the protagonist's evolution rather than delivering it as a fait accompli. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice of this character. The college mailer is a good idea but I think it goes on a bit long. If you start with the pot sentence that will grab attention. Like the others, move to action more quickly. I do like the idea of moving beyond drug use though.
ReplyDelete