TITLE: Snowpocalypse
GENRE: YA Thriller
I should never have come. I should have known the sun was saying more than good riddance to the day as it hid behind the looming mountain ridge. What’s that saying? Oh yeah, no good dead goes unpunished. That’s what I should have remembered.
I shivered. It was freezing up here even out of ski season. The gondolas groaned like robotic zombies moaning in agreement. That was about as close to zombies as I was likely to get this weekend. So much for my ragged nail extensions, exquisitely blood clotted hair, and the bite wound that took over three hours to paint on my left ankle, muscles, tissues, bone, all that detail for nothing. I wasn’t at the first zombie-con ever. I was here in the middle of nowhere, with no chance of escape.
“Come on Lottie, cheer up.” Neil, the stepdad came out to join me on the cabin’s back deck. “It’s not the end of the world. They’ll be other parties.”
“Not like this one.” I leaned my elbows on the wooden railings, looking over the darkening horizon.
“Lottie, I know it’s hard to imagine, but by next year you’ll be into vampires or something.”
“As if!”
He put his hand on my shoulder, “I, we, really do appreciate you doing this. We’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
I sighed, “I’ll get over it. One-year anniversaries don’t happen that often. You deserve a break, you deserve each other.” That came out sounding totally wrong.
I love the name Lottie!
ReplyDeleteThere are interesting elements here, but, to me, some confusing points also. Did she expect to go to the first zombie-con ever? Is there a reason it's no good dead and not no good deed? How old is she, who is she? There will be other parties...not like this one... but this one doesn't seem very good.
ReplyDeleteI like how you describe the zombie make-up. It was unexpected for me after the first paragraph-and in a good way.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the talking sun. From the description , the MC doesn't seem like someone who would describe the sun that way. Overall though, this made me want to read more.
I liked the descriptions and the voice. I'm not sure where the story is going (so far, she's just missed her party), but I'm willing to follow it a little ways.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused about where she was. I initially thought she was trapped on a gondola. But now I'm not sure if she's at home, babysitting so the folks can go out, or if she's been forced to go on a vacation with them... Does she live at the ski lodge? That'd be a really neat setting.
Love the title, very fun. The line "no good dead goes unpunished" I assume is "deed", but I think striving beyond a cliche phrase will show off your work better. Especially in an opening paragraph, maybe there is a way to spin that cliche into something new that shows voice and character. The typo is kind of funny given the zombies in the next paragraph...
ReplyDeleteThe next part I had to read over several times. I think the zombie costume was a little jarring after just learning the character is on a mountain where at first I thought they were in danger. I do get it now that I've read it over, but it might be worth looking at further to see if others are confused.
Having said that, a zombie-tinged thriller on a mountain sounds pretty fun, even if the zombs are costumed and not real.
The opening was clever - I thought the protagonist may actually be lostin the mountains until I realized she was dressed for a party! I would be choose your descriptions carefully eg. 'the gondolas groaned like zombies moaning in agreement' could be phrased more elegantly and I find as an agent that too many instances of poor word choice will cause me to reject a manuscript. That being said I was curious to know what was happenign to Lottie. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest cutting the first parg and start with the second. SHe hasn't been punished for her good deed yet, (which I believe is giving up her party for her parents) so you're telling us something bad is going to happen before it actually does. The second parg. has enough in it, I think, to catch a reader's attention.
ReplyDeleteNice description of her costume!