TITLE: BRAINWASHED!
GENRE: MG Humor
I scooped a fistful of mud from the ditch next to the track and patted it into a ball. “Is she looking?”
Next to me, Ryan mixed sand into our mud patch so our ammunition wouldn't fall apart as soon as it left our hands. On the other side of the track, tufts of bright yellow and brown hair moved through the overgrown grass at the edge of the school yard as the girls peeked out from their base. There were five or six Harpies this time. They outnumbered us. We needed to press the attack soon, or they would have way more mud balls than we did.
"She just moved for the swing set." Paul stood on my other side, scanning for Mrs. Hammish, the recess monitor. He had been smart enough to wear his bright orange raincoat today. I should have thought of that. It made him look like a traffic cone, but it would keep him safe from the mud carnage about to go down. My own clothes were going to get demolished.
"Her back's turned," Paul hissed, grabbing my shoulder and shaking. "We're good. Go go go!"
"I AM IRON MAN!" Ryan's battle cry rattled my brain. He exploded out of the ditch and hurled the first shot across the track. The dirt clod soared like an eagle and smashed into enemy territory, sending a rain of brown goo smattering across the girls' heads. A flurry of high-pitched shrieks rose to the sky.
That was why we called them Harpies.
I enjoyed this. Personally I have no criticism. I'm not sure how old they are or when they learned what harpies were (Greek Mythology class?) but I laughed.
ReplyDeleteThis was fun. I can't tell if Ryan's battle cry, the girl's shrieking, or the traffic cone comment is my favorite...
I also enjoyed the traffic cone comment and loved the voice of this piece throughout. Great descriptions and use of dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThe first line made me laugh in anticipation. The rest of the passage was also fun. As one of the poor adults who has been a recess monitor, I can tell you those kids are going to be in BIG trouble. I'm wondering what's so important that they'd risk that. The lines about Harpies didn't work as well as the rest of the passage for me. Lots of fun, though. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. I would have liked it better if I knew the boys' age, or grade, or something.
ReplyDeleteThe behavior seems younger than 7th or 8th grade, to me, right?
Good luck!
I also enjoyed this excerpt -- you captured the essence of boy energy well, and the first line immediately set up tension. I did feel that I wanted a sense of their motivation to attack -- was it more than trying to make the girls scream? Is it an ongoing battle? Revenge for something the Harpies did? I'd hint at that here or very soon. Not sure the dirt clod soaring like an eagle worked for me, but I loved the voice here and would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis has a really great voice, and the tension building to their mudball fight is great. My only quibble is their names. Paul and Ryan are kids born in the 80s. Their names make me feel like I'm reading a really old MG story.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice: funny and genuine MG boy. The traffic cone was my favorite too. I would certainly keep reading!
ReplyDeleteHow would this work if you started your story with these 3 paragraph the way it's currently written?
ReplyDelete"I AM IRON MAN!" Ryan's battle cry rattled my brain.
He exploded out of the ditch and hurled the first shot across the track. The dirt clod soared like an eagle and smashed into enemy territory, sending a rain of brown goo smattering across the girls' heads. A flurry of high-pitched shrieks rose to the sky.
That was why we called them Harpies.
Just a thought . . . But this is double cool engaging as a beginning, while your current first line, in my opinion, is not. Either way, it's a fun read.
I actually like the names very much, and of course I like the voice. I didn't quite feel the tension, though--mostly because I didn't feel the stakes. What happens that would be so terrible if the boys lose? What do they want to win? More thoughts along these lines--the humiliation of the girls, the fear not just of getting caught but of getting beaten by the girls--what's the excitement about here? It's not motivation so much--since you don't always need a reason to throw mudballs at girls--but more the stakes that I'm missing here.
ReplyDeleteI like the "I've got your back" friendship you establish between the boys right off the bat and the united front they have against the girls. Very upper elementary school behavior.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I agree that weaving in their ages or grade would be helpful early on. I am assuming that because they are at recess they are no older than 5th graders, but the reference to Harpies made them sound older.
Well done! I'd keep reading.
I liked this a lot. Great voice. My only suggestion is to add the to first paragraph whom she is speaking to: "Is she looking?" I asked Ryan, stooping next to me.
ReplyDeleteThen: Ryan mixed sand ...
This is a nitpick. Good luck.
It feels pitch perfect for middle-grade. I would however spend some time thinking about giving the reader a stronger sense of the protagonist. At the moment it is all action but I'd like to see some description that makes the reader feel they could identify the protagonist in this group of boys if they were asked to...Good luck! We need more good books for boys.
ReplyDeleteI liked Heidi Stallman's suggestion. I thought that was a much more active start. And as others have suggested, get in some ages here and their reason for bombarding the girls, even if the reason is something like - because it's fun.
ReplyDelete