TITLE: WHERE THE WATER FALLS
GENRE: YA Contemporary
The condom must’ve broke.
Her words, not mine.
Her being Mckinley, or Mick as I’ve called her for as long as I can remember. We’ve been the best of friends since the two of us were the same pudgy height and tromped around in dirty diapers, which practically makes us sisters. And together, we were always known by the masses as Mick and Mack, because of my last name being McIntyre and her first name being, well, Mckinley.
Scratch that. Mick was my best friend, up until five minutes ago.
Which brings us to now.
Me clutching my stomach, about ready to hurl at what she’s just told me. And Mick, clutching her stomach for an entirely different reason, but no doubt, also wanting to hurl. You see, with words like ‘ the condom must’ve broke’ it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Especially when the said condom was used with my boyfriend.
A million different thoughts, curse words, insults, and questions race through my mind and threaten to spew from my lips, which I'm sure isn't helping my urge to vomit. But I only stand there - like always - as if lacking the ability to speak.
“Mack, please say something." By her tone alone, I can tell she’s on the verge of begging. And I’ve already realized I can't even look at her, without this foul, metallic-bitter taste coursing through my mouth. Instead, I stare at her shifting feet that hop back and forth as if the ground is too hot to stay in one place.
I like the twist and the parallel between Mack wanting to vomit over Mick's confession and Mick feeling ill over her pregnancy. I'm unsure about your opening line, however. It definitely has shock value, which I expect is what you were going for. But something about opening with it, then repeating it, and paired with the description of "tromping around in dirty diapers," makes some of the language not extremely appealing to me. Just my opinion. Overall I think the piece is appealing and I would have read more if it went beyond the 250 words posted.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. It's already rife with tension, and I want to see how this scene unfolds. Good job!
ReplyDeleteWow, this is great. Already I'm feeling for your MC and shocked/hurt with her! I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteMy only niggling comment is I think the expression "known by the masses" is actually "known to the masses". I could be wrong though?
This opening scene is a really strong one. Immediate conflict, immediate emotion, and consequences. The voice is really great, too. The paragraph about their names might be a tad long and rambling, especially since I'm itching to find out what the broken condom means. Don't delay the pay off too long. You've got six paragraphs between the broken condom and the next line of dialog. Make sure you're keeping a balance between scene and exposition.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for a good first line--I like this one. Maybe just my preference, but "must have" might read a little clearer for an opening line. I don't mind contractions in storytelling, but the first line didn't read quite as smooth because of it, for me, so I figured worth mentioning.
ReplyDeleteI like the explanation about the names, but I think that detail can come later. The line that deserves to be moved up is this: "Especially when the said condom was used with my boyfriend." To keep momentum going, I think this reaction and the description around it should come earlier and the name stuff can come later. Or, cut the name explaination in half, the dirty diapers line for instance, to keep it short and sweet and then hook your reader. We need to know the boyfriend part!
This is awesome. Love the voice and the twist with the boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteI like the paragraph with the names, but you can probably cut it down a litte to get to the story faster without losing too much. For instance, the last sentence could be: And together, we were always known by the masses as Mick and Mack--(first name) McIntyre and Mckinley (last name).
This sentence seems awkward to me: But I only stand there - like always - as if lacking the ability to speak.--Maybe move the 'like always' to the end? Or you could just cut the sentence altogether; it's clear from the rest that she hasn't spoken.
You draw the reader in. I like that you string us along. But it's pretty obvious what happened. This leaves a world of directions this story can take. Your target appears to be YA females.
ReplyDeleteBE CAREFUL with adjectives. A few can go a long way: "foul" isn't necessary. "Metallic-bitter" works just fine.
Good luck.
I really like this. I can't decide if the third paragraph is necessary here or not. While the reader needs to know they're friends, the depth and length of that friendship will be shared as the story progresses. I kind of would rather stay in the present moment and get a little more of her reaction. Also, I'm not sure about the last image of feet hopping back and forth. It doesn't seem like a real reaction. I just picture someone bouncing around like they have to pee and that kills the mood of the scene a little for me. Maybe scuffing her feet would be more acurate or edging closer to her or something.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this is strong and I would read on.
Great surprises!
ReplyDeleteOpening line - Bang! We know the consequences immediately. ANd then the end of parg 6 - with my boyrfriend! A great second twist.
Maybe cut parg 3 to - Her being Mckinley, or Mick. We’ve been best friends since we were the same pudgy height and tromped around in dirty diapers, which practically makes us sisters. Together, we're known as Mick and Mack, because of my last name being McIntyre and her first name being, well, Mckinley.
Maybe make “Mack, please say something." It's own parg. then cut down the remaining text to -
She’s on the verge of begging, but I can't even look at her, without this foul taste coursing through my mouth. I stare at her shifting feet that hop back and forth as if the ground is too hot to stay in one place.
I really like the ideafor the opening conflict but think you need to work on the narrative as it is overly complicated and detracts from the readers understanding. For example 'And together, we were always known to the masses as Mick and Mack, because of my last....Mckinley.' I do pay very close attention to the quality of the writing even in the shortest samples I receive so make sure your's shines so that it doesn't diminish the good idea you have for a central conflict. Good luck!
ReplyDelete