TITLE: RUM
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Darkness crept slowly into the snickelway, the narrow pathway leading from somewhere to somewhere else throughout the back alleys of Victorian London. Faint light from lamps high overhead filtered past parts of the shadow, casting an eerie glow onto the heavily cobbled surface that lay between the two old, tumbledown brick buildings rising up around it.
Two large, glowing red eyes moved smoothly through the darkness nearly eight feet off the ground. Paws padded across the cold, wet cobbles in an impatient pacing, waiting and watching, looking for the opportunity to strike . . . breath curling up from a snarling mouth and dispersing through the frigid, damp air.
Fourteen-year-old Coyne Loxley raced down the steps of the Tower Museum. She was frantic. Once again she had let the hours slip away from her, and the time she had promised to be home had quickly come and gone. She thought about using her magic, but she had assured her mother she wouldn’t . . . and that was at least one promise she wasn’t willing to break.
From the moment she set foot on the cobbles, her senses were heightened. Low deep, guttural growls crawled out of the darkness. A scent, deep and purely animal, filled the air around her, trying to crawl into her lungs . . . cutting off her breath.
As she turned, she could see the outline of the beast looming in the shadows. She wanted to scream, but all she could manage was a muffled cry as she felt the warmth of its breath sidle up to her.
Why not start with Coyne so we have a pair of eyes with which to see the creature in the darkness? I also don't think you need to tell us her age.
ReplyDeleteAlso, watch the ellipses. Three on a page is a lot!
I definitely want to find out what happens in this situation, but only after we meet Coyne!
A lot about this is really good! I can see a great novel coming out of it. Snickelway! What a great word! :D
ReplyDeleteYou suffer a bit from Excessive Adjectives. Not every noun needs one (or two). The first two paragraphs are festooned with them. We might feel more immediacy and tension if they were trimmed. In particular, the ground needn't be "heavily cobbled". It is cobbled, or it isn't. I'm not sure what a more-heavily cobbled road even looks like.
I agree about the elipses. No need for them outside of dialogue.
I am hooked, though! Tell me more about 8-foot tall monsters on the streets of Victorian London!
What would happen if you started your story with this paragraph and just continued from there?
ReplyDeleteCoyne Loxley raced down the steps of the Tower Museum. She was frantic. Once again she had let the hours slip away from her, and the time she had promised to be home had quickly come and gone. She thought about using her magic, but she had assured her mother she wouldn’t . . . and that was at least one promise she wasn’t willing to break.
Just a thought, but I think it's more engaging to start with the MC in trouble, not with a description of the scene or of the monsters stalking her.
I really liked your third paragraph. It gives an immediacy to the situation. Like the others, I would recommend starting there. That throws us into the middle of the action. I would also say don't describe the beast too much. Make it mysterious and spooky.
ReplyDeleteI want to read more though. You did a good job conveying the danger.
I agree with everyone else, start with Coyne! There's an immediate sense of urgency and I'm already interested in her, both because of the magic and I like the fact that she'll keep a promise. That says something positive about the character herself. You can then take parts of the first two paragraphs and integrate them into her encounter with the beast.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I think you write very nicely.
I agree with starting with Coyne, or possibly starting with Two large eyes, then moving right to Coyne. The other description feels a bit tedious for a first page, though it might fit nicely elsewhere, if pared down a little. The way this is now reads a bit distant, which is a legit style choice, but I'm not sure the distant narration is intentional. Starting with Coyne will help, and also removing the age which reads more like a query.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I see tension here and creepy eyes watching in the night, so it feels like the right place to start.
Love the atmosphere and the sense of menace. If I were to suggest an improvement it would be that you take a careful look at your sentence structure. My preference is for very clear, concise prose - too many descriptions is one sentence makes for difficult reading unless the phrases are very carefully chosen. I think rythym in writing is much under appreciated which is why I always consider queries from authors who have written poetry. But I am intriged to see the beasts so would keep reading. Good luck.
ReplyDeletePerhaps consider starting with parg 3, that way we start with your MC. The mention of magic in the parg is enough to keep a reader going, I think.
ReplyDeleteIf you do keep those two opening pargs, or use them elsewhere, I'd suggest cutting the definition of a snickleway. I felt like I was reading a dictionary. Instead, just describe the snickleway, and that will help the reader understand what it is.