TITLE: The place you're supposed to laugh
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Chad Loudermilk was fourteen, and he was living in calamitous times.
Alone, he walked from the lab building to the gym. He was trailed by the sound of girls’ laughter. Not at you, he told himself, trying hard to believe it. He stared at his feet and kept moving. A few more steps of September sunlight before the cavernous gym.
Because the Palo Alto High School campus was composed of many small buildings, the walk between classes gave you a moment outdoors. The sun shone in its mellow northern Californian way: warm and temperate without being overbearing. For a moment you could soak up that easygoing sunshine, breathe the mentholated scent of eucalyptus on the air, and consider yielding to the palm trees beckoning toward the pool and fields. But you had seven minutes between classes; you had to grit your teeth and ignore those sweet lazy rays. You had to hump that backpack over to Brit Lit and not complain about it. Or in this case, trudge into the gym for the memorial assembly.
Inside, the bleachers were almost full. If this were an awards assembly or a rally for the football team, everyone would be talking and laughing. It would be easy for Chad to slip up the bleacher stairs, into a row near the top, without attracting attention. Even Chad himself would hardly notice his alone-ness, his lack of a clan to join.
I already know I like Chad as I always have a soft-spot for the underdogs in life. I'm hoping he goes on to achieve big things or surprises himself. Great job introducing the character enough for me to like him and for also setting the scene to a point in which I could visualize it very clearly.
ReplyDeleteI really like Chad also! I found the third paragraph a little descriptive. I think all that information could easily be worked in later in the story. You had me at Chad walking to the gym alone. I felt sorry for him immediately. But by throwing in the descriptions on the school and the sunshine I was pulled out of the story and had a hard time focusing back in. I think it's an easy fix though by simply cutting straight to Chad entering the gym so it moves the pace along nicely. Hope this helps! Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteYou already have me rooting for Chad and I love, love, love the paragraph that describes Palo Alto outdoors, but I wonder if you could get to whatever's going to happen next quicker. I want to find out more about Chad and more about this memorial assembly and how he's connected to it. Overall, though - nice job. I don't often encourage people to use the word "you" but you're using it consistently and as long as you continue to do so, I would be okay with it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHere's the best compliment I think any writer can get (at least, according to Neil Gaiman when he was on the "Arthur" cartoon): I want to know what happens next. Is this assembly going to be a bigger than normal disaster for Chad? I want to know! You've managed to squeeze a lot of underdog-angst into a small space without it once feeling overly sappy. Chad feels real, and that's awesome. Regarding the third paragraph: I guess the descriptions slow the pace down a smidge, but it honestly didn't bother me--I was already hooked by Chad's solitary slog, and then you re-hooked me with mention of a memorial assembly. Seriously, well done.
ReplyDeleteI, too, like the voice and description, but I wonder if it sounds like a 14-year-old boy. I feel for him at the beginning, and he seems like he'll be likeable, but I don't know if he would use words like "mellow" and "mentholated". I don't know where your plot is going, but with a 14yo protagonist, it seems like it could be on the verge of MG versus YA. But I do like your main character, and I'm curious about the memorial assembly, so I'd be interested to see what comes next.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for the encouraging and constructive comments. Appreciate your taking the time to read!
ReplyDeleteI was a bit thrown off by your transition from third person into second person in the third paragraph. Your descriptions were certainly lovely, but I wonder f you could reword them so that you aren't directly addressing the reader as "you." I'd advise sticking with third person all the way through!
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