TITLE: Neodymium
GENRE: YA Scifi
At least he didn't call her crazy.
From the time the red-haired, green-scaled businessman called Lem a witch to the time she chopped him down like a holly bush—eh, about four seconds. No one else in the ice cream parlor interrupted. No one helped, either. The space-lemur policeman in the corner stared at the phone in his paws, ears perked as he pretended not to see; the Wonderfrog server behind the counter tapped his bulging fingertips on his skull like desserts really worried him.
Lem tightened her grip on the businessman's wrist. “Whatever I am, everyone in here knows you're selling little girls to the greys,” she snarled in the businessman's ear, spitting through her teeth as she pushed his face harder into the table. “And one day I'll prove it and get Officer Scritch over there off his duff for a change.” She lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. “But the day you talk to my sister again? Officer Scritch won't be lookin' for you. Won't be a you to find.”
The businessman grunted. He got it. A'ight. Lem straightened, threw back her shoulders, and wiped her brow on the sleeve of her rough brown civvies as she yanked the guy up from the plastic booth where she'd thrown him. She gave him a reassuring pat on the back as he wheezed. Perv had asthma. “Now get out so I can enjoy my ice cream in peace.”
Her wristband lit up. So much for finishing in peace—shyte, how'd her captain catch her already?
This sounds like it's gonna be fun with lots of different types of being and a romp through space. My thing is in this first scene maybe narrow it down to one or two types of species being introduced so you don't confuse the reader. That's a lot to take in while trying to get your bearings. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo mistaking the 'tude here, kick-ass from moment one. Also you make it quite clear we are not in Kansas, anymore.
ReplyDeleteDon't like when people snarl lines rather than say them. Or say them, snarling.
Wow, more please! This sounds incredibly fun. It's like Terry Pratchett + Star Wars, with attitude. Love it!
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicks:
In the second paragraph, I don't think you need the "businessman's ear" ... if it's just "his ear" we'll still understand who's being referred to.
I was confused by the reference to Lem's sister. In the first para, Lem is the one being called a witch, but then when her sister is mentioned I had to go back and re-read to make sure it wasn't her sister that was called a witch. Not a huge deal, but it broke the flow of the scene for me.
I also had to look up the civvis reference as at first I misread it as "skivvies" and wondered what the heck she was doing in the place in her underwear. I get it now. :)
This looks like a fun story and I got a good image of your world just from this part. I would read through with your most critical eye and try to cut anything extraneous. For example, talking about the space-lemur and wonderfrog is good detail, but it slows down the action and distracts the reader's attention. That world-building could take place later -- good info, but not necessary at the very beginning of the story.
ReplyDeleteYou have a really fun world here, and I like the character's voice, but I felt a bit thrown in with no rope. There's so much that happens and so many unique concepts that it's really hard to follow. I wonder if you thought about starting with the sisters sitting there, eating ice cream, then let us see the scene where the man approaches her. It would tell us a lot more about the characters and it would give us a reason to care. Right now, I don't know enough to care about anyone. I also think the idea of saying what happened--that she cut him down--before describing what happened, is working against you. It makes it a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteYou have a really fun world here, and I like the character's voice, but I felt a bit thrown in with no rope. There's so much that happens and so many unique concepts that it's really hard to follow. I wonder if you thought about starting with the sisters sitting there, eating ice cream, then let us see the scene where the man approaches her. It would tell us a lot more about the characters and it would give us a reason to care. Right now, I don't know enough to care about anyone. I also think the idea of saying what happened--that she cut him down--before describing what happened, is working against you. It makes it a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteWatch the modifiers! You're really packing them in and it makes for some very dense and confusing sentences. I recommend simplifying your sentence stricture a bit here.
ReplyDelete