TITLE: Crap Out
GENRE: Mystery
“You know where Apple Way is?” Harley Millshutter yelled over what sounded like the whirring roar of chopper blades. “Where the rich people live?”
“Of course,” Carson Rule acknowledged. Having just completed a 30-minute workout in the mini-gym he maintained in his office, the 46-year old private detective straightened his 6-foot 4-inch frame and stepped onto the electronic scale—215, 18% body fat. Frowning, he asked, “Is that a chopper I hear?”
“You got it, big guy. Can you get out here now or should I send the chopper?”
“What about lunch? I was on my way out for lunch.”
“Now means now,” Millshutter shouted. “We got a problem on our hands. A big problem.”
“Oh?”
“Haghorn,” Millshutter said. Just the day before Millshutter had retained Rule to investigate the man.
“The cat out of the bag?” Rule asked.
“No such luck. He’s dead. It looks like murder. 4360 is his home.”
“Murdered? You on your way there?”
“I’m five minutes out,” Millshutter said. “The old man doesn’t want those dumb ass sheriff deputies screwing up the crime scene.”
Rule ran a hand through his thick, prematurely white hair. "I'm on my way."
“You want me to swing by and pick you up?” Millshutter asked.
“Yeats doesn’t like to fly,” Rule said looking at his pound dog, supposedly a Chihuahua/miniature collie mix. Yeats was staring up at him from his bed.
“He still with you?” Millshutter shouted.
“He is.”
“Always liked Yeats. See you soon.”
I always love a good murder mystery. My first thought though was there was too much talking up front. I'd love for the stage to be set a little more before jumping right in. I'd love to know who is talking and why they're here without so much dialogue. Good luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteA little dialogue on the first page is fine, but too much and you lose your audience. Ease us into the story, the setting, and one or two characters before a full dialogue. The reason for this is because we don't know your characters the way you do, and too much dialogue too soon into the story makes it difficult for the readers to feel grounded and to care about the characters. What I like about this is you're getting to the dead guy and the mystery right away. Urgency is important in this genre.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above commenters -- there's too much dialog on the first page. It's well done dialog, but since there's no movement, it feels a little stagnant. One of my best CPs once pointed out that in movies, when characters are talking, you always see the room around them, and they're always moving around, keeping you focused on them. They don't just sit and talk back and forth.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite ways of doing this is cutting any and all dialog tags, instead showing movement, though, and surroundings that reflect the person talking. Increase the deep POV a little.
All in all, you're a very good writer, just try adding some meat to the bones of dialog!
Sorry, I stopped reading about half way through. I have no connection to any of the characters. 250 words of dialogue straight off isn't enough to entice me to read on.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to stretch out the exposition - for example, we don't need to know the character's full name, age height, weight and body fat in all one go. What it does is take the reader out of the story so perhaps work on peppering those details in throughout the action so that they arise naturally and are thus taken in, but barely noticed, by the reader.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to choose some variety of description (or eliminate some) so that repetition is avoided. As is, the word "chopper" is used three times in the space of only a few sentences. It draws attention to itself and not in a good way.
Maybe reconsider all the dialogue and instead focus on setting up the mystery or the catalyst for the mystery before we get the back and forth.
I think some small changes and attention to those details will improve your opening.
-Daniel
danielmaclainewriting.blogspot.com
The beginning feels abrupt. Starting with dialogue gives the reader no sense of where, when or with who we are. The description in the second paragraph felt a little forced and unnatural, like you just wanted to fit it all in at once. I think it'd feel more natural to spread some of it out. Especially when we have a chunk of description, then dialogue with very little anything else. I don't have a good sense of where this story is taking place. I think you might try starting sooner. Maybe with Carson in his workout so we can get to know him better and care about him before he's sent off on a detective mission. And which POV are you going for? There is a bit of hopping with the line about Millshutter retaining the right to investigate.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning feels abrupt. Starting with dialogue gives the reader no sense of where, when or with who we are. The description in the second paragraph felt a little forced and unnatural, like you just wanted to fit it all in at once. I think it'd feel more natural to spread some of it out. Especially when we have a chunk of description, then dialogue with very little anything else. I don't have a good sense of where this story is taking place. I think you might try starting sooner. Maybe with Carson in his workout so we can get to know him better and care about him before he's sent off on a detective mission. And which POV are you going for? There is a bit of hopping with the line about Millshutter retaining the right to investigate.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a case where you need to slow down a bit. You hit a stride by the end and it's clear that you know your character's voices, but you don't really give your readers time to get their bearings. We don't need to know how much Carson weighs or even his last name, but we need a sense of where and who he is. You should set the stage a bit more before diving in--you can even set the stage during the dialogue by just giving us more physical and sensory details. Is Carson sitting or standing? Are his muscles aching from his workout? Is he thinking about the fact that he forgot to feed his dog this morning in the back of his head as he has his conversation? All of this would give your reader a bit more to hold on to.
ReplyDelete