TITLE: Memories in the Mist
GENRE: Women's Fiction blended with Historical Fiction
We often miss beginnings.
Our lives are busy; our focus is on ourselves; our responsibilities pull us in multiple directions. I know all of the above was true for me in 2006.
I missed an important beginning in Mom’s life. She lived in North Carolina. I divided myself among my life in Kentucky and my two daughters—Jenny in Alabama and Kate in Ohio. I visited my mother at best twice a year and trusted my sister, Angela, in South Carolina to check on Mom more frequently.
I’m here to tell you…playing catch up is hell.
It all began when a phone conversation revealed a glimpse of the future.
“I lost my car today at the mall,” Mom said when she phoned me in Kentucky.
“How did you do that?” A small inhale betrayed my concern. “You know the mall like the back of your hand.”
“I guess I do.” Mom chuckled. “After all, I’m there several times a week. Like to ramble around and see what’s new. You never know when you might stumble onto a bargain.”
I smiled. Ah yes, the elusive bargain. “But how did you lose the car?”
“Oh, I guess I’m just getting old. No worries. I finally found it. All’s well that ends well.”
I recognized fear in the tightness of Mom’s laughter. A series of prickles ran up my arm. I shuddered and made a mental note to put an orange tennis ball or fake flowers on Mom’s car antennae next time I visited.
I like this, but I think it's important to really pull the reader in. Your opening line is clever, but I think this may be able to start somewhere else in your story to really pull a reader in. Too much backstory in the first 250 can make a reader lose focus.
ReplyDeleteI would dive right into the conversation between the narrator and her mother. have this pique the narrator's feat about her mother's state of mind.
ReplyDeleteI like where this is going but I have to agree with the above comment: starting with the mother/daughter conversation would be a much stronger opening. Just in those few lines it tells the reader so much without having to paint a picture.
ReplyDeleteIn your first few lines, mentioning the daughters and sisters by name just felt clunky and like too much information/backstory too soon! But like I said, I like where this is going and after some tightening, I would read on!
I agree that starting with the "I lost my car" line would be stronger. Also, the mother's comments about being at the mall several times a week and liking to ramble seem like information they both already know. You might crisp this up by go directly to her comment about finding a bargain. You're building an interesting storyline that I'd continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line, but then think this would be stronger if you jumped to the part that shows what beginning she missed. I think you have an interesting premise, but based on the dialogue of the mother, I find myself wondering how old she is.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line, but then think this would be stronger if you jumped to the part that shows what beginning she missed. I think you have an interesting premise, but based on the dialogue of the mother, I find myself wondering how old she is.
ReplyDeleteI'm also in favor of streamlining this opening. I like the "we often miss beginnings," but I think this is too early to tell me where everyone lives and to give me so many names to hold onto. I might suggest changing the opening to be more like:
ReplyDeleteWe often miss beginnings.
Our lives are busy; our focus is on ourselves; our responsibilities pull us in multiple directions. I know all of the above was true for me in 2006.
I’m here to tell you…playing catch up is hell.
“I lost my car today at the mall,” Mom said when she phoned.
Just a thought!
Also, when the mom says "After all, I’m there several times a week. Like to ramble around and see what’s new. You never know when you might stumble onto a bargain" it doesn't sound quite like the way you talk to someone who already knows your routines. Seems more likely that she might even be defensive when her daughter says you know the mall like the back of your hand, and just say briskly, "Well, you never know when you might stumble onto a bargain," and leave it at that.
Agreeing that there's more character introduction/exposition here than we need. The first line that hooked me was this: "I’m here to tell you…playing catch up is hell." I am not sure how to tell you to use that as an opening line, but it is a good one if you can make it work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone who has commented so far. Isn't it funny how one can read something many times and never see what is obvious until fresh eyes of a new reader point it out? You guys have made spot on calls which I really appreciate. Thanks for helping me tighten up this beginning.
ReplyDeletePatricia Nesbitt
I agree with the other comments about streamlining the opening and will just add to be careful about using common phrases/cliches like "know ___ like the back of your hand" and "all's well that ends well." It's okay once in a while if it's part of the way a character speaks, but for the very first lines, the language should be as fresh and original as possible.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're doing a lot of telling here when I'd rather be thrown in and get to know the characters and story by watching them unfold. We don't need quite so much exposition!
ReplyDelete