TITLE: Awake and Astray
GENRE: Upmarket Fiction
I have the weirdest taste in my mouth. Metallic, like I’ve been sucking on pennies, and spicy—no, not spicy. Stinging. Blood. What the—? I move my tongue and feel tiny pebbles. They’re sharp and cutting my gums and the insides of my cheeks. Teeth? No. Glass.
I turn to spit out the pieces of broken glass, but my neck is encased in something that makes it impossible to move. I push them out of my mouth with the tip of my tongue and they roll down my chin on a trail of saliva and blood.
I open my eyes and see I’m in some kind of… storage room? With shelves of equipment, strange monitors, dials, wires.
Have I been kidnapped?
The room is tiny, and moving, and noisy. There are beeps, the hiss and tinny chatter of a walkie-talkie, the looped bellow of a siren.
Where the f*** am I?
It finally registers: an ambulance.
Next question: Why the f*** am I in an ambulance?
I try to sit up, but only manage to lift my head maybe an inch. I have a lot more questions. A hand on my shoulder prevents me from rising any further. No, it’s not just the hand. I’m strapped in.
“Nice to see you coming around, but don’t try to sit up. Do you know today’s date?”
“September ninth, 1999,” I mumble.
“It’s actually September tenth,” he corrects me. Close enough.
“What happened? Am I hurt?” Of course you’re hurt, genius.
I like how you start off describing the taste in the mouth and the ambulance. I am intrigued to know why he/she is strapped down in the ambulance and why they lost a day. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteNice description and setting, my only problem is: if he/she is in an ambulance, why the paramedics haven't taken the glasses out of her/his mouth? I had a byfriend who was a paramedic and he once told me that one of the first things you do is checking for any object obstructing the airways. This patient had glasses in his/her mouth, so he was bleeding from it and they didn't check and remove the pieces of glass? it doesn't sound realistic, sorry!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback, Louisa. I actually based this opening scene on something that happened to my former boss, who was struck by a car and woke up in an ambulance with glass in her mouth. Maybe the paramedics weren't able to remove some of the smaller pieces?
DeleteNice description and setting, my only problem is: if he/she is in an ambulance, why the paramedics haven't taken the glasses out of her/his mouth? I had a byfriend who was a paramedic and he once told me that one of the first things you do is checking for any object obstructing the airways. This patient had glasses in his/her mouth, so he was bleeding from it and they didn't check and remove the pieces of glass? it doesn't sound realistic, sorry!
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ReplyDeleteIntriguing opening. I like the way you spoon-feed it to us little by little. He/she clearly must be foggy in his/her thinking, because an ambulance is instantly distinguishable. Maybe that needs to be mentioned: your protagonist is not only struggling with figuring out this strange situation, but also struggling against the muddle of his/her own mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback. These comments also make me realize that I don't indicate that the MC is female until the next page. Good to know.
DeleteYour protagonist's first reaction seems to be anger...I thought pain might be what wakes him up...and he would also be confused.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the paramedic in relation to your main character. The narrator would see him first if he's in front.
Starting with an accident is interesting...it makes the reader have lots of questions and draws them in to keep on reading for the answers.
A couple small things--I like opening with the taste in the mouth, but I think you can drop the first sentence and it would be even stronger. Something like. "Metal. My mouth tastes like metal. Like I've been sucking on pennies..." It's an automatic interest generator. Also: I had the MC face down in my imagination, so the trying to lift the head forced me to reorient myself. That's not your problem really, but you could lead us with a sensory detail or two (is s/he staring at the floor or the ceiling?) so it removes that potential for confusion. Nice work, though. Very engaging opening.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is very evocative! I was right there in the ambulance with your character and I am definitely curious to know what happened. I would definitely read more of this. Why did you bleep out the word fuck, though? It was very courteous of you, but it took me out of the story a bit. No need to censor yourself! This seems like an appropriate moment for your character to curse.
ReplyDeleteI think Authoress needs to let every SA know she censors out cuss words. This isn't the first time the SA thought the author did it.
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