TITLE: Leonidas Nelson and The Vampire Prophecy
GENRE: Young Adult
Twelve-year-old Leo sat in his mother’s white station wagon. Parked in front of his new school, a deluge of rain pelted the car but that had little to do with why he didn’t get out.
He watched the photo pendulating from the rearview mirror. His father smiled at him from the tiny frame. The man’s dark eyes reminded Leo of his own.
“Come on, Leo,” his mother said. “I know it’s tough being the new kid at school; especially on your first day, but you’ll make friends in no time. You’ll see.”
Leo huffed out a deep breath. “I don’t understand why we had to move.”
“You know why, honey.”
Leo turned away. Although his father’s murder occurred over a month ago, the pain and emptiness had not subsided.
“Leo, I’m sorry,” she placed her hand on his.
He yanked his hand away. “It’s just not fair.”
“I know—“
“No, you don’t,” he said. “I hate it here. What about my friends? What about my basketball team? And look at this school. It sucks.”
“Leonidas Nelson.” She raised her voice. “Do not take that tone with me. This isn’t easy for me either.”
Leo rubbed his temple to block her from view. He knew she suffered too. Maybe more than he did. She hadn’t only lost her husband, but also became a single mother. He scanned the grounds, spotting a large stone marker which read "Washington Middle School." Jack-o-lanterns leered back at him from its base.
Your second sentence might need to be tightened up a bit - it seems a little wordy. I also stumbled on the word "pendulating". Cool word, but possibly could cause reader to lose their flow.
ReplyDeleteThe title is great! I'm curious whether this is a flashback; since kids read up, 12 is really on the low end for YA, even if the readership is considered 12-17. Just a thought there that could be a potential barrier if this isn't a prologue. The thoughts in the last paragraph seem a bit more adult than a 12-yr-old; that he ponders how she lost husband and became a single mother. I think it's more the framing of the thought, if it's in a more YA (or middle grade) voice it would seem more age-appropriate. Whichever market you choose I think could alter the voice as well.
ReplyDeleteMany well wishes to you :)
I loved the fist two lines; it gave me sense of place and curiosity about Leo. It sounds very MG and Leo goes to a middle grade school, therefore, you need to label it MG and add genre"fantasy" or "magical realism" since you have a vampire element. "Don't take that tone with me" maybe change that up to something that sounds more contemporary.The first line in the last paragraph is difficult to visualize. Simplify action i.e. looking down at his feet,rubbing his forehead.... "Suffering" sounds grown-up maybe, "He new she hurt too." Loved the last two lines. Nice work! all the best,
ReplyDeleteCould you just call it The Vampire Prophecy?
ReplyDeleteThe situation has possibilities. The main character has a good justification for his angst.
The dialogue is a bit canned, generic.
Be careful about your character's age here. You describe this as YA, but Leo is 12, which places this squarely in middle grade territory. YA is generally 16, 17, and 18. You're also running into some perspective problems. It's pretty much a requirement of children's literature that the reader sees the world through a child or teen's eyes--even if you're writing in third person. I have to say that you bring what feels like a very adult awareness into this selection, which makes Leo feel a bit inauthentic to me as a character. I wonder what would happen if you tried writing in first person and give Leo a voice--let him really narrate his own life. This is his story so I really want to see his thoughts and feelings front and center.
ReplyDeleteThis might be personal, but I think the whole "new kid at school" thing in is overused. Make sure that it fits the story and isn't a convenient way to isolate your character. I'm not getting any real sense of what your main character's conflict is or will be. I also want to know why his father being murdered would cause them to have to move and it doesn't seem like the mom is very comforting in that moment. I'm questioning the move myself because that seems like a time to rely on the friends and family you have nearby, not to uproot everything, especially your child. That would make a difficult situation that much more unbearable.
ReplyDeleteThis might be personal, but I think the whole "new kid at school" thing in is overused. Make sure that it fits the story and isn't a convenient way to isolate your character. I'm not getting any real sense of what your main character's conflict is or will be. I also want to know why his father being murdered would cause them to have to move and it doesn't seem like the mom is very comforting in that moment. I'm questioning the move myself because that seems like a time to rely on the friends and family you have nearby, not to uproot everything, especially your child. That would make a difficult situation that much more unbearable.
ReplyDelete