TITLE: Chasing Chaucer
GENRE: YA Contemporary
I opened my locker to find a cream-colored envelope resting atop the mess of crumpled papers and worn books. It looked out of place, like an exotic creature had chosen the most chaotic spot possible to build a nest. Handwritten letters across the front spelled out my name: Brittany J. Hanson.
Who had access to my locker? And who did I know who wrote calligraphy?
I extracted the envelope with my fingertips, feeling I should wear gloves to handle paper so nice. A round, raised seal embossed on the back flap had the monogram PCM.
Too curious about the content to keep being careful, I ripped it open. Inside was a thick card, the same cream color as the envelope.
The honor of your presence is requested
Today, May 20, at 15 minutes past three in the afternoon
In classroom A-6
A Unique Opportunity Awaits
I tapped the edge of the card against my locker and twirled a chunk of hair.
The phrase alone was enough to set my pulse racing: Unique opportunity. I could use one of those. It didn’t even have to be unique—I’d settle for any old opportunity. It had come knocking once this year, but sometime after I let it in, it bolted without the courtesy of a goodbye.
Granted, unique opportunities were rare. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But it was worth checking out.
Not like I had anything else to do after school. Not anymore.
This hooks me from the beginning. The author shows their voice from the first paragraph--"like an exotic creature had chosen the most chaotic spot possible to build a nest." Immediately I am wondering the same thing as the MC--Who has been in her locker and how did they get in there?
ReplyDeleteI'm also intrigued because I am asking what opportunity passed her by that has her grasping for anything else. I would definitely keep reading to find the answers to these questions.
This definitely piques my curiosity. I want to know, as much as Brittany does, what this unique opportunity is...not to mention who left it in her locker.
ReplyDeleteI would maybe change 'extracted' the envelope to 'withdrew' the envelope. That's just my preference.
Your last line definitely draws the reader in by saying, 'Not like I had anything else to do after school. Not anymore.'
I think you have a good hook into your story.
Good luck with everything!
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ReplyDeleteloved the 'exotic creature' metaphor. Generally nicely done and intriguing, would read further! Only one thing: I would try to tell a bit more abut the MC, maybe you could slip-in something, to give the reader a better sense of who she is.
ReplyDeleteI want to read this book! I loved your opening. Perhaps one editing suggestion: After your sentence about settling for any old opportunity, which I loved, you could delete the next couple of sentences and end with your final two sentences about not having anything else to do, not anymore. Great tension. I want to know all about this unique opportunity.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! And curious! I would definitely keep reading to find out who was in her locker, what the unique opportunity is, and what opportunity already slipped away. My only comment is that it feels like this is happening in a deserted hallway. I'm assuming it's during school (since it's not "after school" yet), so maybe add a little bit about it being loud or someone bumping into her or something along those lines to engage the reader's senses. Otherwise, great job! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm totally, completely hooked by your writing, and the intrigue in these first 250.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicks (and these are really really nitpicky because this is super strong IMO):
"I extracted the envelope with my fingertips, feeling I should wear gloves to handle paper so nice. A round, raised seal embossed on the back flap had the monogram PCM." -- I'd love to know what kind of gloves she's envisioning here. I think it would give us a lot of insight as to her personality and/or to the type of paper it is. For example, if she's picturing, white, old-fashioned, button-up gloves I'll immediately know that she loves period costumes etc.
"The phrase alone was enough to set my pulse racing: Unique opportunity. I could use one of those. It didn’t even have to be unique—I’d settle for any old opportunity. It had come knocking once this year, but sometime after I let it in, it bolted without the courtesy of a goodbye."
-- I'm less enthused about this para than the rest of the opener. I think maybe it's a bit too much repitition of the words "unique opportunity" for me? Also I'd love, love a teeny hint as to the nature of the opportunity she passed up.
Like I said. Love it. I think it's amazing just as it is!
I really liked how you set this up and introduced us to the main character. This: "an exotic creature had chosen the most chaotic spot possible to build a nest" was perfection. The ending of this section? Nicely done. Hooked and wanting to not only see what this unique opportunity is but also what the "anymore" is about. Seriously the only thing I would add in is a "my" before "chunk of hair."
ReplyDeleteNice job! And good luck!
From a big picture perspective, I enjoy what you're doing here. It's an interesting setup to throw an anachronistic-seeming letter into a contemporary high school. That part of this piques my interest. However, on a more granular level, I'm having a hard time with this. You seem to be working against yourself with the voice you've chosen. I'm looking for juxtaposition between the letter and the setting/character/atmosphere you're setting up, but you haven't really done that. This doesn't really feel like authentic contemporary because the character herself feels a bit anachronistic. Word choices like "atop" and "extracted" confuse things and don't really feel like something a modern teen would actually think casually to herself.
ReplyDelete