TITLE: A Trace of Madness
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Don’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry.
Zéphyrine repeated the sentence in her head until it became her mantra, the only truth she could rely on. When it came to conquering countries, preparation was as essential as brute force, and she had done that, to painfully precise lengths. Zéph had spent the last six months preparing for this task, playing maid to a noble family and the girl whose mantle she was to take. To achieve a flawless impersonation, knowing the original person from inside out was not recommended, it was mandatory.
By now, Zéph knew María better than she knew herself. All she needed to see this through was the lesson her mother had taught her long ago. You are a mind witch, and people are your playground.
She touched the small stone table in the middle of the Sidonia manor’s circular foyer, where a crystal vase of colorful dahlias brightened up the otherwise dull room. It shouldn’t be long until the guard found María’s aunt and gave her the good news regarding María’s survival.
Her chest turned to stone as she remembered the warmth with which María had spoken about her family—a family Zéph was about to trick into believing she was their niece, the sole survivor of the attack on the border city of Alaterra four days ago. Never mind María was actually quite dead, burned to a crisp by Zéph’s brother right as she tried to flee the fire that wound up consuming the city.
The greatest strengths I see here are the compelling situation and the establishment of what could be a villain with regrets (or could be an antihero, or even hero with more information). The clear duality of Zeph's feelings versus her mission makes for good character tension. Also the notion of a mind-witch is vivid.
ReplyDeleteI think the opening is a bit crowded with information. For example, the specifics of the attack on Alaterra might come out over time.
Some minor quibbles with words (these might be personal choices). "Don't be sorry" doesn't feel right to me in terms of what the character is telling herself. It's different from "no regrets" or else "don't feel sorry" or else she is generally commanding her emotions: "don't feel." Also, "touched the small stone table" seems to not convey the moment. There is tension here. Clutched the table?
I like this opening. It's very intriguing, compelling and as Martin said above, gives a look into the mind of an antihero or a villain with regrets.
ReplyDeleteHer chest turned to stone as she remembered the warmth with which María had spoken about her family—a family Zéph was about to trick into believing she was their niece, (Here I would revise the wording. It's kind of awkward.)
Overall, I like the premise of the story and I think with a few tweaks it's a great opening.
Good luck!
I'm hooked. I really like the interplay between Zeph's worry whether she can pull this off and her resignation at apparently having to pull this off. Plus, the concept of a mind witch is cool. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYou may be trying to include too much backstory in the introduction here. It seems overloaded with things that could unfold later.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of impersonating, but if she has been their maid would they not recognize her? Was she maid to a different family?
To me, you've got a compelling situation crushed in textbook-sounding words. Your first paragraph is all long sentences that are almost exactly the same size, all in a very dry tone--you could kick it up a notch with different sentence lengths and rhythms, and choose words particular to your character. She doesn't read YA right now. And you could totally do better than "Don't be sorry" for this awesome concept. She's impersonating someone! She knows that person better than that person knows herself! That's interesting--lead with that! Start off with a big "z-girl knew Maria better than she knew herself--so stepping into her skin would be a cinch." Obviously that's not your voice, but you know what I mean? Shock me, slap me in the face and bring me into the story. Don't start off apologizing and then givin me a paragraph of backstory--put me into the scene. Show me putting on her dress, checking in the mirror, changing her face--wow me with WHERE I am and what I see! I don't see anything in the long paragraph about Z-girl's thoughts. I just hear someone teaching me in textbook fashion how I'm supposed to impersonate people. Not nearly as fun as seeing it happen, and definitely tiring when I'm already reading textbooks all day. : p
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty, you've got an awesome concept here. Lead with your awesome concept, create diction that only fits your character and no one else (no textbooks!), and vary your sentence structure for engaging rhythm--and put me in a scene, with imagery--and you're golden. This can really rock!
I'm hooked. I really like the interplay between Zeph's worry whether she can pull this off and her resignation at apparently having to pull this off. Plus, the concept of a mind witch is cool. Well done.
ReplyDelete(Sorry for the repeat comment, I couldn't sign in earlier!)
So, first of all, I absolutely love the idea you're working with here. Love it. Your heroine is a bit of a bad guy and she's crossing enemy lines with a big fat lie about her identity. It's so juicy! There's so much room for growth and conflict and for her to feel incredibly torn (and hopefully fall in love with her enemy, complicating everything).
ReplyDeleteSuch a compelling concept deserves an equally compelling opening. I think you're so focused on getting information to your reader that you actually miss an opportunity here. She's spent months learning how to impersonate someone so right off the bat you should put us directly in the action and SHOW us! I want to be thrown into this story with Zeph getting into character and remembering very specific idiosyncrasies that Maria had. I want her focusing on the timbre of Maria's voice and the way she walked, the topics she liked to discuss, the things that she'd noticed about Maria that even Maria didn't know. I want to see it all right off the bat so that I can be right there with Zeph as she steps into the character of Maria for the first time that really counts.