TITLE: SUMMER THUNDER
GENRE: YA Fantasy
How long is the fall down to earth?
I lean against the fence that marks the drop from the floating city to the desert below, digging my fingernails into the wet wood. The city rests drowsy behind me, golden spires and cobblestone roads cloaked in morning mist. My legs shake underneath me. I fidget with my fingerless, scaled gloves.
It’s morning already.
And the smell of blood is still so strong.
I should have left hours ago, but I couldn’t leave my room, couldn’t stop scrubbing. Hot iron blooms in my nostrils as if the sticky red liquid is still smeared across my face, my clothes, my palms.
But it isn’t on my skin. I’ve washed myself pink. It can’t be there.
Gravel scrapes behind me. I curl my wings snug against me, gripping the fence tighter and looking around.
Once someone finds the corpses, once they know I’m gone, I’m dead. And yet, here I am, not ready to leave the people who would kill me. My fingers itch for the sabre I left behind.
They’re coming this way. They’re going to spot and capture me if I don’t move. Sweat beads on my forehead.
Closer.
I lean forward, stretching my wings slowly so the soft stained-glass feathers don’t make sound —
Something grabs the collar of my shirt. Hot, moist breath brushes across the nape of my neck and through my shorn hair as I’m yanked backwards.
I scream and grab my dagger. But I know it’s useless.
I love it. It is very descriptive and draws me in immediately. I would love to read on to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is spectacular. I'm getting a Daughter of Smoke and Bone vibe, with a tiny twist of Lady Macbeth thrown in for good measure :) I was a little unclear on how her wings could be both soft and stained glass and what sort of sound they'd make. Also, in the line "Gravel scrapes behind me. I curl my wings snug against me," the repetition of behind me, against me kind of stuck out. But really, those are just tiny nitpicks. I would buy this book off this page alone. Best of luck with it, but I suspect you won't need much luck :)
ReplyDeleteI love this. The sense of place, the tension, the language, the uncertainly of what exactly is happening. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteThe stakes are definitely there, right away. But it doesn't feel forced, we get a sense of the character, too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This had me hooked from line one, and this entire excerpt does an incredible job and conveying a sense of urgency. I love the idea of stained-glass feathers, it's so visual, and beautiful to picture. My only gripe has already been pointed out, and it's in the "Gravel scrapes behind me. I curl my wings snug against me" which, although not a direct repetition, still feels like one (if that makes any sense).
ReplyDeleteI hope you get picked. Best of luck!
I love this. The sense of place, the tension, the language, the uncertainly of what exactly is happening. Awesome.
ReplyDelete(Sorry for the repeat comment, I couldn't sign in earlier!)
YA Fantasy is my favourite genre. This was really good. You had me at wings :) You've done a really great job, you have a great voice and I am intrigued and would definitely read on. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I love this. Fantastic pacing and tension. My one comment is that I'd like to get a better sense of the main character - be it age, name, etc. I would mostly certainly read on, though!
ReplyDeleteOoh, I love this. Fantastic pacing and tension. My one comment is that I'd like to get a better sense of the main character - be it age, name, etc. I would mostly certainly read on, though!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely started with a bang! I'm very curious about who your character is and what led her to this moment. What I would say, though, is that I know very little about who she is, which stopped me from connecting with her. I want more of a sense of her personality to come through, even as she worries. I'm not saying I need to know why she killed people or how or even why she has wings. But I want to know whether she has a dark sense of humor or a snarky one, whether she's an optimist despite everything or whether she always expects the worst. Even if she is eternally serious in every way, that can come across very clearly if you construct the voice to do that. Right now, your character feels like a stranger to me so even though I'm curious about what happened I'm not invested in her yet. I think there's real potential here, though!
ReplyDelete