TITLE: Tides of Magic
GENRE: Adult - Epic Fantasy
When the advent of magic allows former tyrants to lay siege to his kingdom, Prince Darius is forced to choose between submitting to their savage rule or destroying magic itself at the cost of thousands of innocent subjects.
Elena handed the child back his jeweled yoyo as a flash of yellow streaked past the window, a black jet of smoke trailing behind. Acrid fumes seeped in through the door.
Her auburn hair came undone as Elena pressed her face to the window. At twenty-six winters past, she had handled many unpleasant people. But her heart pounded at the sight of the raucous mob gathered in front of the shop.
The flames crackled as smoldering embers of straw floated down. Elena picked up the two-year old and burst out of the shop. Fire shot though the thatched roof as two more torches landed. She clasped her master’s child closer, though he remained engrossed in the glittering blue and red toy.
“You can’t burn down the shop!” Elena shouted to the rambunctious crowd. “Have you people lost your mind?”
“Stay out of it, Elena. Dirma must pay for what he’s done.” Hogarth raised his left hand and waved her to move away.
Elena was not surprised to see the burly farmer among the mob. She looked around for a sympathetic face in the throng but icy eyes fueled with rage stared back at her. “He didn’t do anything. None of us know how all of this is happening, least of all, Dirma,” she pleaded, wrapping her arms around the child tight.
“Tell that to Samuise Lothar.” Hogarth grabbed her free hand and pulled her away from the shop. “You didn’t have to look at the horror of his body turned to ice.”
First thought: "Snap...what the heck is going on?"
ReplyDeleteTherefore, yes, I am hooked and want to read more. I'm interested in the baby she's clutching so tightly. Dima has me intrigued. And Hogarth talking about Samuise's body turning to ice has me sold. I love a good fantasy story with lots of magic. You're obviously a good writer. I just think you could work a bit of more detail into your world building to create a better illustration.
Thank you for the kind words. World building comes in slightly after the first 250 in my story but your point is well taken.
DeleteThe logline seems to have all the right pieces there, but I am left wondering: how would magic destroy innocent subjects?
ReplyDeleteYour opening is certainly full of tension, but you could spend more time getting us settled a bit in the toyshop before burning it down. I feel too launched into action without getting a good sense of place and character. You don't need much but it could go a long way. Good luck!
Ah good point - well innocent subjects also have magic and taking it away would destroy them.
DeleteI will try and get in more details about the world. Thank you for the advice
Your sample starts out with a great opener, a great visual, but I feel very disconnected from it all. There's a lot of action packed into the opening, but not enough exposition or internal monologue for me to connect to Elana and want to keep reading. Why should I worry about the toy shop and Elana? I gather we're supposed to care about what's going on, but right now I feel as though I'm hovering above it all without really taking it all in and connecting.
ReplyDelete