TITLE: Cords of Power
GENRE: NA - Fantasy
Leena has always made her own way - becoming a student at the prestigious Academy despite being royalty. When she’s recruited to be part of a secret organization with terrifying powers she must learn to navigate a deadly, new world while dealing with the machinations of powerful forces watching them all.
Leena had heavily miscalculated and she was going to pay for it. A droplet of sweat teetered dangerously over her brow in the hot midsummer sun, threatening to drop into her focused and unblinking eyes. A gleam of sunlight hit the heavy chainmail of her opponent, temporarily blinding her as she continued her search. The only way she’d be able to get her opponent down on the sandy ground was to find a spot of weakness. She chided herself for forgetting her footwork and getting maneuvered into facing the sun - rookie mistake.
She found it - a small sliver of exposed torso underneath their left arm. Lunging to the right she narrowly missed, instead leaving herself open.
Her opponent slammed her to the ground and Kyri could feel every bone in her body reverberate with the feeling. It was futile to struggle against the tight hold but Kyri would be damned if she didn’t try. If she just moved a bit to the side she could get her elbow to wedge into that soft spot right there....
The clammering of a bell, strident and clear, rang through the arena.
Kyri sighed at the sound and collapsed fully onto the ground, spread eagle. Her opponent turned to her, offering a pale hand as help. Kyri grabbed her outstretched hand and hoisted herself up. Dusting the sand off her body, she turned to face her best friend, who was grinning at her, happiness evident on her face.
Author here - just realized I accidentally used Leena's name from my old edits, Kyri, instead of Leena! Apologies!
ReplyDeleteUsing "their" for one opponent sounds too politically correct. If you're trying to hide the sex of the opponent, "the" would work.
ReplyDelete"instead leaving herself open" The "instead is not needed.
Otherwise this is an interesting scene. I would keep reading.
I like this. The twist at the end was fun, and the description of the fight pulled me in. I think it'll be interesting to see where Kyri's royal status takes her as she's recruited into a special role - does it help or hinder her? Does she try to hide it? I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I had trouble getting through what was supposed to be the log line. Very wordy. (Though I hate to keep critiquing all the log lines as mine was not much better. :P)
ReplyDeleteYou have me hooked. Except for one suggestion otherwise; the opening sentence. Perhaps to eliminate the tense of the word "had" you could say simply something along the lines of "That mistake was going to cost her" and introduce her name in the second sentence. Just a thought. :)