TITLE: The Exquisiteness of Seeing
GENRE: Adult - Magical realism, WF
When an ocean arrives in a box a woman running from her abusive childhood is gifted with meeting herself and ages 8 and 103 and the chance to confront her childhood secrets.
The ocean arrives in a box.
A white card the size of postcard is stuck on top. Waves that look a bit like storm clouds where they froth are drawn in swirls on one side; the blues and greens like bruises. On the other side in loopy handwriting it reads;
One Ocean: Plant in the backyard.
Dig too deep and the roots suffocate.
Too shallow and the roots won't anchor.
There's no address, no stamps, no name on it at all. The cardboard is soggy and the string falls off without much help. A bit of help. Okay, I pulled. Dead leaves cling to the side, like sisters. One sister. My sister. All mine.
What kind of ocean arrives in a box?
You should be able to collect oceans. That's what I told Nannie. Then you could pour one into a jar and take it home. All the sand between your toes and the way Mummy is laughing and pushing your sister on the swing, you could catch that moment and keep it. But oceans being delivered? That’s some kind of magic job.
My breath curls in the cold and makes shapes. Only me and Cold-air Friend huddled together in my backyard. And now a box with an ocean that wants to be planted.
I open the lid. One cardboard flap at a time. It doesn't seem like a thing you should rush, although there's this rushing feeling in the air. Inside me.
There's a lot that intrigues me about this. The concept, for one. The "planting instructions," although it took me a second reading to understand that was what they were. The "you should be able to collect oceans"--such a strong moment of voice.
ReplyDeleteBut it needs to be grounded for it to really work for me. I was confused about the dead leaves clinging to the sides, and Cold-air Friend. I wanted to get a little more straight talk to mix in with the fairy dust.
Starting out in the present tense throws me off. I'm sure it's possible to write in present tense and make it work, but I can't think examples that do. I don't think it works here. It almost seems more like a poem that the start of a novel.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is really lovely, and I'm fascinated by the idea of receiving a gift from one's past self, on top of the intrigue of what, exactly, an ocean in a box is (as opposed to just a box of sea water).
ReplyDeleteMy one concern is that I wasn't anchored in the setting. Did she find the box on the front porch or was it delivered by the mailman? Is she still outside or did she take it inside? She does mention the backyard. Is that where she is?
I'm also not sure of how old she is. The lines about telling Nannie you should be able to collect oceans feels like something she's remembering from her childhood, but other parts also read very young.
The tone is probably the most intriguing thing. It has real music to it. Good work.
I love the idea and sense of wonder and magic in this piece, but I agree with the others that it needs more grounding, more of a setting. I'm finding it hard to visualize much of the scene.
ReplyDeletePerhaps mentioning where the box is when it arrives will help with that.
I also would like things to move a little slower, or with more of a set up for the next wonder or reflection. For example: The dead leaves and her sister need more of a lead-in, I think, as dead leaves aren't what I most associate with oceans, so it seems a little like a random association to me.
If the dead leaves fall on the box as she carries it through the backyard, then it might flow better, for me.
I'm really intrigued by this piece. I would read further.
I agree with others. I enjoyed the surreal aspect of a "ocean in a box" however, I was so confused. What is an ocean in a box? Is this a common thing? Where are we? What year is it? Is this our world? A surreal realm? Is this all simply a metaphor? In short, I had too many questions to be hooked. I might read a bit on but if things don't start clearing up for me, I'm going to put it down.
ReplyDeleteYour tone was nice, however. What I mean to say, is the overall feel. I got a sense of lazy wonderment on a blue-sky day. However, if that isn't what you're going for...I apologize. :)
I think this has great potential. Keep going. You'll get somewhere great.
I like this premise. I'm intrigued, but I was a bit confused because I wasn't sure if this was a normal thing for the MC. What makes her accept this "ocean in a box" as a normal thing and even decide to plant it. I wonder if it would be better if you started your scene with your MC planting the ocean. Show the reader more of how she feels about it and how she came to the decision to follow the directions instead of throwing it all away. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI like this premise. I'm intrigued, but I was a bit confused because I wasn't sure if this was a normal thing for the MC. What makes her accept this "ocean in a box" as a normal thing and even decide to plant it. I wonder if it would be better if you started your scene with your MC planting the ocean. Show the reader more of how she feels about it and how she came to the decision to follow the directions instead of throwing it all away. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete