TITLE: Moon Curse
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy
Lady Salandra exchanges shape with her twin brother one day per month, but when the king's questioner slaughters her family, she must seek her amate and discover her role in protecting moonchangers.
Atop our castle’s keep, I laid my hand on a merlon and held my breath, scanning the buildings in the bailey below. I couldn’t believe Father was really going to send us away -- me forever. This was my home, and I wanted to stay. Bran, my twin, would be able to return to Lone Castle once he finished his wardship. If he survived. Without each other, chances were that our secret would be discovered as soon as the full moon rose, and that would be the end of our short lives.
I clenched my strong hand around Slasher’s pommel and focused on the smoke drifting up from the blacksmith’s forge, far below and to the left. The smithy was a good man with a good heart and a steady arm. I shifted my eyes to the right. A tiny dot that had to be Bonecruncher trotted out of the kennels. Legbiter was probably inside, nursing her whelps. I was going to miss them so much. I blinked back my tears. At least up here, no one could see them. The mews lodged our precious hawks and falcons. After our birthday, we wouldn’t be able to go hunting with Father anymore. I crossed to the other side of the keep and looked out over a crenel. The building for the kitchens stood between the mews and the dovecote so that the pigeons would not be frightened by our hunting birds. Each building represented someone who had shaped my childhood. My lip quivered, and I set my jaw. Lone Castle was my home, and Father’s leal servants were...
The logline leaves me with a few unanswered questions: What is amate? Who are moonchangers? What's at stake? Why does she exchange bodies with her brother?
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to simplify your logline, including just the very basics?
Your opening lines do a bit of 'showing not telling' (sorry to bring out that old adage, but it can prove to be useful at times!). See 'strong hand' and 'The smithy was a good man...'
Your idea sounds unique (I've never heard anything like it) and the setting is intriguing. Good luck :D
The last line of the first paragraph hooked me. I'd keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm curious how no-one knows they swap forms each month. What happened when they were babies/young children?
ReplyDeleteIn your logline try and use words readers unfamiliar with your world will understand (amate/moonchanger), but even so, I found the logline intriguing.
I'd definitely keep reading.
The premise seems interesting even though I can't get a strong enough grasp as to what the story is about from the logline because of the use of words that I don't understand yet what they mean. I highly suggest you try to redo your logline so that everyone can understand what is going on.
ReplyDeleteWhy is their father sending her away? I would keep reading.
I agree that the logline needs some work. Do we need to know that the twins exchange bodies once a month from the logline, or are we better introduced to it in story itself?
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and could connect with Salandra. She seems very fond of her family and her home while still showing strength.
I also think that Bran should be introduced more slowly as the moonchanging/body shifting is linked to him specifically.
I would read on.