TITLE: Stolen Child
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy
Searching for answers to his troubled past, a washed up Irish professor must confront the ancient evil beneath an old fairy oak and stop him from eliminating their bloodline.
Roars of laughter surfed the usual crowd at McGinty’s. General conversation lingered between the tides of mirth with shrill gasps dappling their merriment. Gnarled antlers dominated the central hearth from which emanated a warm ember glow. Perching upon the mantle were many stuffed cocks puffed proudly beside their trophies.
Autumn winds mingled inward as a boisterous drunk left, declaring his hatred for a rival football team. Newcomers entered and settled themselves across the room from where sat Connor Quinlan.
To say he was well kept would be only half-right. His shirt was buttoned but not tucked. His nails were clean but his hands a bit smudged. Not a single strand of his nut-brown hair stood out of place but he needed a shave. Overall he looked the sort who might frequent this sort of scene though it would not be thoroughly true to say that is who he was. A natural environment for this wayward fellow had yet to be found. There was no wife to speak of and his family lived in County Sligo whilst he was in Galway.
The truth of the matter was, Connor did visit McGinty’s on a regular basis, but one could not call him a regular. It was the yearly jeopardy of his job teaching Irish Folklore and Mythology at The National University of Ireland, Galway, that brought him tonight. The argument was quite familiar; he spent far too much time on the folklore of the fairies and little people and not enough on the nation-building mythology.
Great title!
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence of the logline I believe “him” refers to the ancient evil, but it reads as if the professor is the one who will eliminate the bloodline. Whose bloodline is at risk of being eliminated? Not sure who “their” is. Maybe change to something like: Searching for answers to his troubled past, a washed up Irish professor must stop the ancient evil beneath an old fairy oak from eliminating the fae’s bloodline.
First paragraph shows a great scene. Nice! I feel like I’m inside McGinty’s.
The sentence about ‘autumn winds mingled inward’ is borderline purple prose. It took me out of the scene at McGinty’s because it seemed out of place. I assume the winds came in through the open door of McGinty’s?
Place the word “sat” after “Connor Quinlan” in the sentence beginning with “Newcomers entered and settled.....”
The paragraph describing Connor's appearance reads a little awkward. Perhaps change to active voice. Something like: To consider him a well-kept lad is half correct. His buttoned up shirt hung lopsided out the top of his pants. Clean nails shown clipped and white at the tips of his smudged fingers while his scruffy beard contrasted against his neatly combined nut-brown hair.
The word “sort” is used twice in this sentence: Overall he looked the sort who might frequent this sort of scene though it would not be thoroughly true to say that is who he was.
The last paragraph is wordy and needs tightening up. For example: The truth of the matter is Connor did visit McGinty’s on a regular basis, however; his job teaching Irish Folklore and Mythology at The National University of Ireland brought him in tonight. The yearly argument never seemed to exhaust its longevity—Connor spent far too much time on the folklore of fairies and little people, and not enough on the nation-building mythology.
I'm not hooked at this point, but I like 'underdog' Connor and believe the further I read I'd be able to find that hook.
I largely agree with the first poster's comments. To be hooked, I need to know who is doing all this observing -- get me inside the head of someone who might have some opinion about Connor's appearance. If Connor is your POV character, it is tricky to give a description like this at the beginning of a story because he obviously not thinking all these things about himself while sitting there (and having him observe them while looking in a mirror is a tired old device, too). Maybe some of these details, if they are important, can come up in conversation that's to come, through observations someone makes about him. "Your mother never teach you to tuck your pants in?" that kind of thing. The key, I think, is to get into why he is here, the conflict, sooner, and weave in these details about him later.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. A better place to start might be "Connor Quinlan visited McGinty's on a regular basis, but no one would call him a regular." And then go from there.
ReplyDeleteStory beginning- First sentence is descriptive- beautiful. But raised some questions for me.
ReplyDelete"Autumn winds mingled inward as a boisterous drunk left, declaring his hatred for a rival football team. Newcomers entered and settled themselves across the room from where sat Connor Quinlan."
- where was the drunk leaving from?
- Newcomers to what?
- where are they gathered? I kind of get the feeling that are in a pub, maybe?
The whole second paragraph describing Connor- I'd move it. I think that the first chapter has to take us somewhere. Something needs to be happening or about the happen... preferably happening. And we as the reader need to care about this main character and at least get a feel for what he wants or even just that he wants something. Let me pick up things about your characters personality by what he does and says. Let me imagine who he is rather than lump me with a big description which at this point isn't anchored to the story plot or to a character that I know much about.
I think backstory about the character where he lives/lived whether or not he has a wife etc are all things we can find out later as we need to. That first chapter needs to hook me into the promise of a great story (action/plot) and show me why I should care about this character and his wants. Maybe even hint at what he stands to lose.
I love that he is a teacher of Folklore and mythology, but I am unsure as to how this impacts the story or why I need to know this in the first three paragraphs. Perhaps I do need to know this, then show me why? What is at stake here? What could happen next? I'd get to these issues first and leave details about him and his personal life until much later.
Hope this helps :)
To have the book open with so much description and so little action could be a problem.
ReplyDeleteYours is a funny piece. I can't say for certain why, but it's too intriguing to give up without a fight. The logline had significant clarity and relativity issues, yet it sent me into the 250 wanting to love the story. Then, even after not loving most of the excerpt, I still wanted to read on.
ReplyDeleteYour concept is interesting. Maybe I'm just a massive mythology and folklore geek. The upside is: there are quite a lot of us out there.
Starting with the logline, for me, the setup leaned less toward mysterious intrigue and a little into confusion. The plot elements don't directly relate to each other in a logical progression, so the X so Y formula of the presentation threw me a bit off kilter. Then, the entity + "him" that got others did the same. And tossing the bloodline on top left me with a little more "HUH?" than "OOH!".
Once I broke each element down to its own square and looked at them like blocks of action in a comic with the between-the-lines stripped away, the bones of your premise and plot made a lot more sense. Using a more clear path to relate the elements to each other and give a hint of how they link into each other would do a lot to help the pitch do your story justice.
The old-fashioned style of the prose almost lost me. I was glad I hung on when I got to "spent far too much time on the folklore of the fairies and little people and not enough on the nation-building mythology." It made the precious-sounding language make a LOT more sense, and when I reread the 250, I enjoyed the flow of the language much more.
You may want to consider beginning with the information about WHY Connor is in McGinty's before launching into a lot of scene-setting. Right now, the setup doesn't have a MC to act as an anchor, so that could moor your reader into who and why and give them more reasons to care about the where. Honestly, much as those earlier sections have a quaint charm, they could be tightened way up to establishing scene and the rest peppered in later or trimmed out. This would clear the way for the story to begin and give readers a chance to engage with Conner (and, I suspect, empathize with his problems).
One nit-picky thing, and I guess I'll be the pervert who points it out. If you do leave the opening bits in, you might want to think about this: "Perching upon the mantle were many stuffed cocks puffed proudly beside their trophies." Now, I know what you mean there. It didn't stop me from snickering. It acted as a big enough distraction to detract from the story and brought a picture to mind that I'm pretty sure wasn't your intended image or mood going into the opening scene. Just my reaction, of course, and other folks' mileage may vary. But it seemed a big enough possible issue to bring up, anyway.
All in all, I'd read on, but am not quite hooked yet. You have well-written, confident prose with an exceptionally pleasant rhythm, plus an intriguing concept and interesting MC, so a lot of important strengths in your favor. I hope you get this picked up, because it sounds like a fun read. Best of luck with your story and thanks for sharing it.