TITLE: Death is Fleeting
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Gym socks. Floor polish. Pencil shavings. Teen agony. The smells of Cannon High School. Probably any high school. But Millie Krup only knew this one.
She walked down the corridors through nearly visible electrical currents, the charges zapping and crackling between hundreds of amped bodies.
She was headed to Homeroom on a Tuesday, her craziest day of the week. Even though she’d scribbled her schedule in her planner months earlier, she knew it by heart now:
7 a.m. Bus to school
7:40 a.m. Homeroom
8:00 a.m. Chemistry II :-P
8:55 a.m. Algebra II :-P
9:50 a.m. Advanced Spanish !!!
10:45 a.m. Study period
11:40 a.m. Lunch
12:15 p.m. English Lit :0)
1:10 p.m. Art History :0)
2:28 p.m. Spanish Club !!!
3:42 p.m. Bus to the Pearl District
4:00 p.m. Work (at NorthWest Dispatch to earn money for the Spanish Club’s Barcelona trip)
6:35 p.m. Bus home
7:00 p.m. Dinner/Homework
It was sixteen hours of speed living. She normally loved the full day with every activity neatly filed into its time slot. Her mom had always called her “busy girl”. It was true. Frenetic schedules helped fill certain hollows in her life.
And she had dreams, big dreams: College, an awesome job, travel (SO much travel), for which she needed an impressive high school resume.
This particular Tuesday, though, dreams or not, her throat was scratchy, her slight body sluggish as if she moved through a wetland, her arms and legs catching on tendrils of aquatic plants while water filled her lungs.
So, while I love your main character and setup, I think the schedule being outlined is something a reader's just going to skim over. And I'm not sure you want to have something skim-worthy on page one. Maybe page two or later? I'd also change 4:00pm to Work at Northwest Dispatch, then put the info about the Barcelona trip in your paragraph about how she wants to travel.
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is that her dreams could be much more concrete. Which college? What job? Travel where? (Barcelona!) That could tell us so much more about Millie. And the seems like a girl with a specific plan.
I'd love to read about a girl like Millie, though - I'd definitely flip to page two!
I love the opening and the voice here. But I agree that the schedule encourages skimming-- we don't even know Millie yet, so readers may not care. I did like the line about 16 hours of speed living. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe give us more sense of what's at stake here. Right now, I'm curious about the hollows in her life and her dreams, but I'm not sure what the stakes or why any of this matters.
I agree with the above comments. I did skim-over the schedule. Show don't tell. If there is a part of the schedule that is important to the story line then start the story there. Then it ties-in the schedule better. You can still drive home the point that schedules help her in some way but it will draw the reader in more to start in a different spot.
ReplyDeleteThat being said I like Millie as a character and you've piqued my interest to want to know more about her and her world.
Thanks everyone! Loving your feedback.
ReplyDeleteI really love the voice in this! It drew me in right away, and the high school smells seem pretty spot-on universal to me! The schedule might be a bit much, especially on a first page where there is probably other, more important information to convey. And I'm not sure she'd add the information about where and why she works, there must be some more organic way to convey that. She already knows so she wouldn't pencil it into her schedule.
ReplyDeleteYour period after "busy girl" should go inside the quotation marks, not outside of them, so "busy girl."
I am really interested to know what's going to happen. This sounds like a really driven character and getting sick is definitely not on her schedule! I already feel her strong desire to get ahead, and to get to whatever is coming next. Good luck with this!
Overall, I really like this. I felt like I understood the voice right away and was interested in the MC. The only comment I have is that I think the schedule is unnecessary. It slowed down my reading a lot and I didn't really appreciate how jam packed it was until I read the paragraphs following it.
ReplyDeleteI honestly think if you cut out the schedule, you'd be fine and it'd be easier for us to stay in the MC's mind.
Just my opinion, though, so do what feels right to you!
Cutting out the schedule does seem to be the consensus and I agree. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment!
DeleteI've rewritten it based on the recs I received from you guys. If you get a sec I'd love to know if you think this is an improvement:
ReplyDeleteGym socks. Floor polish. Pencil shavings. Teen agony. The smells of Cannon High School. Probably any high school. But Millie Krup only knew this one.
She walked down the corridors through nearly visible electrical currents, the charges zapping and crackling between hundreds of amped bodies.
She was headed to Homeroom on a Tuesday, her craziest day of the week. Even though she’d scribbled her schedule in her planner months earlier, she knew it by heart now and it was packed – sixteen hours of speed living. She normally loved the full day with every activity neatly filed into its time slot. Her mom had always called her “busy girl”. It was true. Frenetic schedules helped fill certain hollows in her life left by her alcoholic father who had long ago gone AWOL from the family.
And she had dreams, big dreams: College somewhere with a leafy, bustling campus, an awesome job somehow helping people, and travel (first up was a Spanish Club trip to Barcelona). She needed an impressive high school resume to nail it all.
This particular Tuesday, though, dreams or not, her throat was scratchy, her slight body sluggish as if she moved through a wetland, her arms and legs catching on tendrils of aquatic plants while water filled her lungs. Cold medicine, lozenges, and sheer power of will propelled her through the school.
Wow, I think this is fantastic! The additional info about her father and her dreams really grabs me as a reader, and I'm getting to know your main character much better. Loving it, way to go!!
DeleteI'm glad you rewrote this! The first version would have quickly gone to our slush pile. I like this version MUCH better. However, the list you describe at the beginning still reminds of first of a bedroom instead of a high school. I'd change that around and keep the rest as is!
DeleteThank you immensely, guys. I really appreciate the additional feedback!
DeleteThis version is much better. Lists are so tricky. I've tried them before with the intent to make them funny, but readers just glossed over them and never saw the jokes. This is a much stronger opening with a more active voice. Well done!
DeleteNot the real secret agent.
DeleteI had a different take on this. While I do think the second version is better than the first, nothing happened. The mc didn't do a thing. Everything you told us is info that could be worked in as the mc does something, and thinks things, or has conversation. This isn't story. This is 'this is who my character is, folks. There are no clues as to what this story, once it gets started, will be about.
ReplyDeleteWhat is your inciting incident? Whatever it is, the place to start is very close to the point where it happens.
You write well. Use thpse skills to show us what's happening.
I feel that the MC could be any kid, anywhere. I'm not getting more than "she's really busy" and "she has dreams", which describes every school kid I know right now.
ReplyDeleteThis line is the one that draws me in completely:
She walked down the corridors through nearly visible electrical currents, the charges zapping and crackling between hundreds of amped bodies.
This tells me she has some special gift, or these are special times, and that's what I want to read about. I want the story to unfold around that, instead of her school schedule.
You've got a unique voice, and what seems to be a unique situation as well. I'd make the most of them in this opening.
Nice job on the rewrite! I also like the line about almost visible currents, which to me suggests magical realism, fantasy, or SF, but this is contemporary, so you could probably just say: She walked the corridors, hot with electrical charges zapping and crackling between hundreds of amped teen-age bodies.
ReplyDeleteI also kind of feel you could move the list to later to set the scene. Maybe start with: Millie Krup (great name, BTW) had dreams, big dreams.
I like the additional details that let us know more about Millie, but be careful about listing/telling them as opposed to showing us how they fit in her head, i.e. how these details make her feel or how they prompt her to act.
I get the idea that speed-living (nice!) is going to bite Millie in the butt and cause her more problems than it solves.
Good luck!
The first draft didn’t really pull me into the story as it was just telling me things and not showing me them or describing it enough so I could picture it.
ReplyDeleteI saw the revised draft and have to agree that it’s better. I still think that first paragraph could be redone and made stronger though but good job on the improvements.
Thanks for entering!