TITLE: Plaid Package
GENRE: Adult Romance
Whisky flavored condoms? Marie laughed as she reached in her purse to snag a few coins for the vending machine. Her first day in Glasgow and she already found the perfect souvenir. Flavored prophylactics in festive packaging almost made up for the dismal state of the pub's bathroom.
She admired the red and orange tartan cardboard packets as she exited the ladies’ room. The top of her head slammed into something hard. She looked up and nearly combusted as a fast-moving burn spread across her cheeks. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, I-" She had head-butted a wall of muscle.
A curly-haired hunk stared down at her with a playful glint in eyes the color of well-worn denim.
Her first thought? She wanted to jump up and wrap her arms and legs around him.
Second? Don't. That's inappropriate behavior.
Third? Wuss.
She stared back and watched his eyes lower to the ridiculous handful of condom packets pressed into his stomach.
"Hoping to pull?" he said with a toe-curling brogue.
The undiluted power of that accent should be criminalized. She scanned the hallway for a fainting couch. "Pull?” Marie ran through her vocabulary of UKisms to translate. “No, these are souvenirs." A laugh bubbled up and escaped like something far too close to a squeak. "Back home the condom machines don't have anything as fancy, or hilarious, as this."
He grinned down at her. "The flavored ones are only in machines. I prefer the plain ones."
"So...you've tasted them?"
Really good voice, love this fun, smart, witty narrator already (I’ll go party in Glasgow with her!). The only thing that gave me pause was the transition from her admiring the condoms and “The top of her head slammed into something hard.” She’d slam into his whole body with hers, wouldn’t she? Maybe: “As she exited the ladies’room admiring the red and orange tartan cardboard packets, she collided with something hard.” And that last line….!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I can tell we're in for a lot of laughs and red hot fun with this MC. Can't blame her for struggling in the face of a 'toe-curling brogue.' ;-)
ReplyDeleteBe aware that sentences at the start of the first two paragraphs have the same construction: Marie ... as ..., She admired ... as ..., then shortly after that 'She looked ... as .... I noticed simply because of how this appears on my screen.
Best of luck!
Great start! The last line got a real laugh out loud laugh out of me! And I just read to my hubby and he laughed too!
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great. I like the first thought, second thought lines.
Since you've already described the accent as toe-curling, I think the words "The undiluted power of" could be eliminated to make that sentence stronger. Just "that accent should be criminalized" sounds tighter.
And yeah, what the heck does he mean by 'pull?' More please! :D
Intetesting opening. We get a nice sense of both characters. I would have liked a hint at a problem, but I'd give it a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteMaybe 'I collided with something hard,' rather than bumping her head, and her first thought could be phrased as a thought, like thoughts 2 and 3. Jump up and wrap my arms and legs around him.
Great ending line!
This was a funny read. Really enjoyed it. Like mentioned above, the part where she bumps her head needs a little work. It's missing the oomph. But besides that, nice work. Good luck
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I feel embarrassed for her! Great job for writing this in a way that I can connect to the characters so easily like that. Marie’s voice and personality were accentuated very nicely. The situation is hilarious and that man sounds positively Scottish and wonderful. This seems like it would be a very fun read. Thanks for entering!
ReplyDelete