TITLE: GOLDEN CROWNS, CRIMSON THORNS
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The fishing net caught the stitches on the back of her hand with a stomach-lurching jerk. Synne bit off a curse and hauled the empty net in, blood trickling down the crook between her thumb and finger. There were only five stitches, but three had torn free, and the puckered flesh was even uglier now. Her mother had stitched it up only the night before, and she kept a tally of the scars on Synne’s calloused fingers. All scars and no ring.
Synne sighed and ignored the school of cod flashing in the water. Swaying in her perch on the prow, she pinched the cut together, wrapped a bit of cloth around her palm, and knotted it.
She glanced to the stern, but, thankfully, Captain Cam wasn’t watching. He didn’t allow her to swear like the crew did, but then again, he was her father. Rough hands were a fisherman’s trademark, but he still fussed over her every time a hook marred her fingers or the ropes burned blisters into her palms. Probably because his wife only gave him an earful over Synne’s marriage prospects.
She picked up her casting net and rubbed the wet fibers between her fingers. Her shadow stretched past the bow and over the waves, and she could look east without squinting. It was the end of the day.
The boat was her second home. She’d spent half of her seventeen years on it.
Enjoyed the description here. "All scars and no ring." I get the sense this is a strong character and I like it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jamie!
DeleteI really loved this! The last line of the first paragraph was great. A quiet moment to start, but one that you gave a lot of meaning to in the details. She refers to Captain Cam's wife, and I wasn't sure if that was the same person as her mother.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Katie - and thanks for pointing out the ambiguity regarding Synne's mother!
DeleteI can pick up from only so little that Synne is going to be a tough character. I want to know more and I really enjoyed the word placement as in this sentence for example "The fishing net caught the stitches on the back of her hand with a stomach-lurching jerk."
ReplyDeleteThank you Maddie! Yes, she's pretty thick-skinned, glad I got that across. :)
Deletewow. Wonderful voice. Love the writing. Love it how you feed in her family situation with her dad and his wife. Making clear what's happening. And it's clear she's a tough girl. Really nice. Good luck
ReplyDeleteThank you, TC!
DeleteThis is atmospheric in the best way. I understand Synne and her circumstances, made all the more real by the pain and the scars. (There's something about damaging hands... the average person relies on them for EVERYTHING.)
ReplyDeleteBut, it's missing something. I understand this moment, but I'm not given anything to anticipate. No story question, as they say. Is the boat heading back to shore and Synne's worried about what her mom will say? Is there a looming marriage prospect she wants to avoid? Or someone she wouldn't mind marrying? This is fantasy, so a little hint of something magical wouldn't be amiss, either. (If it's a fantasy world, could there be different fish?)
The first paragraphs are strong enough that I want more, but I want it by the end of these 250, not later. The last paragraph seems irrelevant at this point, so I would bump it down in favor of something with a hook.
Thank you, BeFleet - I think the very next line addresses your concern, but you're right - we want the big question right away!
DeleteThere is something immediately likeable about Synne. I find myself rooting for her from the first paragraph, but that also make me a little disappointed that the main conflict foreshadowed in the opening is her need to get married. I'm sure an exciting adventure awaits her, but I'd recommend some sort of tease or hook to draw the reader in. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteEmily, thank you for this feedback! Don't worry, the marriage question is her current problem, not the main conflict in the story - thanks for suggesting placing the hook sooner!
DeleteI like the idea of a fishermen’s daughter working on her father’s boat.
ReplyDeleteI got a little stuck by that last sentence on the first paragraph, “all scars and no ring.” I had to go back and check to make sure I was reading a young adult story since that sentence definitely made it sound adult. What kind of mother is trying to marry her daughter off when she’s still only 17?! Which actually reminds me of something. What time period is this? That would really help with the understanding and explain the circumstance behind her mother’s behavior. If this was in the past, where daughters were married off early, then it’d make sense but if it’s in this day in age, it wouldn’t. So try to incorporate a time period so it doesn’t confuse the reader. Also, the last two sentences kind of don’t flow with the sentences above it. To me, it kind of abruptly changes. I’d work on keeping the flow steady, if that makes any sense. For instance, “It was the end of the day. And soon, another will take its place, aboard on this boat. The boat was her second home. She’d spent half of her seventeen years on it.”
Thanks for entering!
Thank you for your feedback Secret Agent! Yes, it's a more old-fashioned society, but I don't want to confuse readers from the start. Thanks for your suggestions!
DeleteI like Synne. She seems resourceful, strong, and her own person. Nice job with the setting, but I agree that if this is fantasy it would be useful to have a detail to ground us in that world: the construction and size of the boat, water creatures, Synne's and her father's clothing, who they work for ...
ReplyDeleteYou might consider switching the second and third paragraphs. If in between you add something about how Synne regards (prefers?) her life on the boat, that might give us a clue why she avoids marriage.
Best of luck!
Jen, thank you! I'm glad Synne's qualities come across well. And thanks for your suggestions!
DeleteLove the first line! My own gut lurched at the thought of her ripping out her stitches. Love the line "All scars and no ring" as well. It's immediately clear that Synne is a tough character, but I already really like her.
ReplyDeleteThe third paragraph lost me a little. It felt a little too telling to me, and then I began to wonder why her father let her work on the boat at all if he was that fussy about her well-being/worried about her mother's reaction. Did she strike a deal with them to let her still work on the boat or something?
Other than that, I really enjoyed this!