TITLE: THE THROWBACK
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I closed my eyes. When I opened them, my old life had vanished. The new one is unrealistic, fueled by fear and amazement. She is the one who fills it with amazement and helps me face my fears. What happened was horrible, but it brought me to her, the only person I could ever truly love.
It’s only been a few days, but already I seem to be losing memories of what my previous life was like. I can only faintly remember getting up, going to school, and not having a care in the world. My life was unremarkably normal and easy, full of the happy faces of those who loved me.
I try not to dwell on what I have lost, except for the last few hours before it happened. Those hours are vividly clear, seared into my brain, rewinding and playing nonstop. Dad was making coffee, the strong stuff, always the strong stuff for him. Mom was cracking eggs and yelling for my sister to wake up. My fingers slipped five slices of crisp bacon from the plate on the stove.
“Jacob!” Mom’s voice was scolding, but her eyes were smiling. “This bacon is not for breakfast.” She pulled the plate out of my reach. “Did you take your shot?”
“Bacon should always be for breakfast.” I grinned, crispy crumbs clinging to my lips. “And yes; my butt is sufficiently pricked.”
Mom shook her head. “Don’t be a smart mouth.”
I really like where this goes, but the first line could be a little snappier. Maybe infuse it with the life the rest of the scene has. Hook me. Pull me in because what comes next is terrific!
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph confuses me. I think the second paragraph would be a stronger opening, with a more intriguing first line. The reader needs to care about what the mc lost and you establish that with the memory. The talk of "her" in the first paragraph and an unrealistic world fueled by fear and amazement is too strange to pull me in. I think the second paragraph offers enough of a teaser to keep me reading to find out how he "lost" his real life. Your writing is strong. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteI'm a little thrown by him forgetting everything with a prolonged blink in first paragraph but then saying it had taken a few days to forget in the next paragraph. It kind of made me pause and go back to see what I'd missed.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I'm definitely interested in the memory loss and the girl that changed everything. If you're going to jump from past to present (or was it a memory), I would try to make it a little more clear that you're doing it, though. Especially at the beginning, when we are just meeting each character.
Good luck!
Two things: not my genre; and there is mystery from end to end in this sample. What propels this in my mind is a little something I don't see often enough in novels: a phrase or description or sentence that forces the reader to view material that may be uninteresting or nothing special in an entirely different light. In a moment, his old life had vanished, and so he has some kind of mental shift or view of life that is referenced without attempting much description or explanation. It's an effective use of a few words to set a scene, or at least let us know that this scene is nothing as it appears. I'm sure you'll answer this question to our satisfaction. While I can't tell where this is going and have plenty of questions already, I trust I'd get answers from additional material. I understand that it may take more than just the first sentence to hook me; fortunately, this first one was short, which I did not expect. You may consider this an example of rule-breaking that works for those who understand what the author is doing, and may not work for all those who insist that the rules simply cannot be broken. I therefore call that a matter of taste... at least so far. I'd like to read at least some more.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your input. Looks like I need to cut the first paragraph. If I do that and add this to the end of paragraph two, will it work better?
ReplyDeleteIt’s only been a few days, but already I seem to be losing memories of what my previous life was like. I can only faintly remember getting up, going to school, and not having a care in the world. My life in Ironwood was unremarkably normal and easy, full of the happy faces of those who loved me. Now, Ironwood is a ghost town, and I know I was not the innocent boy I seemed.
Also, this is a 2 POV story. Chapter one introduces both MCs, Jacob and his sister Sara. By the end of chapter one, they are separated. Both follow different sides of the story until they reunite near the end of the book. I was struggling with it being a YA, which I know attracts almost exclusively female readers. The story must open with Jacob. My question is, will opening with Jacob as the MC turn away the female reader? Any replies will be eagerly accepted.
DeleteI really like the dialogue and feel the story gains momentum here. (Though I recommend losing was scolding and were smiling for scolded and smiled.) I honestly was lost in verb tenses in the first three paragraphs. Maybe there is a way to start right away with Jacob in the kitchen and weave in the flashback details to give us an idea of the conflict and the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI was a little worried about the narrator being obsessive here: ' ... brought me to her, the only person I could ever truly love.'
I think this has a lot of potential. But I would work on rewording this. It starts off okay but then it goes to where there’s a lot of info dumping here about Jacob’s past. Rather than showing us his pain, the passage of time or his new environment, Jacob just starts to merely tell us what happened in the past. But I'm more interested in something else. Who’s the person he’s happy to be with, the one good thing in the midst of his tragedy? Try to focus on the present and only incorporate the past when it’s absolutely necessary.
ReplyDeleteThanks for entering!
Dear SA,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your time and guidance. Yes, I can see what you are saying and have changed my first page to address it. I am so pleased with my new beginning and could never have gotten here without your insight. If you read this, I want to say, thank you so very much.