TITLE: TOSOM: Freshman
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
I’m not a bald freak, Amarea thought.
A boy searched the crowd. He found her eyes and stared at her.
Amarea walked between her parents. Maybe that would make her less obvious. She noticed him across the courtyard, big brown eyes and messy brown hair. She blushed when she looked at him. She knew even the top of her skull would be pale pink; that’s the trouble with being a bald freak.
Stop looking at me, she thought. The boy looked away.
The gaggle of freshmen and their parents were squashed into the gym. The gym smelled of losses, victories, and week-old socks.
After a stimulating twenty minutes of welcomes from the principal and assistant principals, students were corralled into their homerooms, girls on one side of the hallway, boys on the other. The parents remained for more information on how to be a parent.
Once inside the classroom, no one said anything to Amarea. She sat by herself in the corner. She could see people glancing back at her, whispering about her.
She was used to the whispers. Cancer treatment doesn’t play nice with anyone and she’d been playing with treatments for a long time. Amarea looked down at her body. She looked more like someone who survived a concentration camp than a high school freshman.
I’m not contagious, she thought as a girl carefully placed a piece of paper on Amarea’s desk. The paper contained her schedule, locker combination, and vague instructions on how to open the lock.
You have a powerful scene and characters here! The first line could be a little more powerful. "I'm not a bald freak" works well, but loses its oomph with "Amerea thought." Great start though!
ReplyDeleteI can connect with her. I honestly think you don't need the first, maybe not even the second line. Even without them, the reader knows she's bald. And it's clear in the first para, that the boy is staring at her. That way you pull the reader straight into the story. While I like your writing, I noticed that in the third last and second last para, you started quite a few sentences with 'she'. Maybe switch some sentences around so you don't start with it, or condense some sentences to one. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteNice writing, and a character I can connect with. Compelling problem makes me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually like the third person for YA, but this seems to work. You have Amerea's thoughts in italics some of the time, but you didn't italicize "I'm not contagious." It's better to be consistent.
"After a stimulating twenty minutes of welcomes" made me wonder if the narrator was being sarcastic.
Good luck!
I agree that the first two sentences are unnecessary. UNLESS the paranormal part of this is mind reading and she's projecting that thought so people won't look at her. But then she shouldn't call herself a bald freak a minute later. Still, the first full paragraph sets the scene well. I also think that if you italize the thought you don't need to put "she thought" after it. I would cut the part about "playing with cancer treatments." "Cancer treatment doesn't play nice with anyone" makes the point by itself. Using the word "playing" minimizes it, to me. Good voice. Hope you have good luck with this!
ReplyDeletePerfect setup! You really brought the reader to have full-on empathy for the MC. One thing I'd point out is in the US, parents do not have welcome sessions with principals on the first day of school, and boys and girls are not segregated unless you're at a weird private school. Will be requesting ;)
ReplyDeleteNot the real secret agent.
DeleteOthers have given such good feedback, I can only add one thing. (A gaggle of freshmen) just somehow draws too much of my attention from the story and your MC. It may just be me, but the word gaggle made me stop. It just seemed a word out of place in a YA.
ReplyDelete(She knew even the top of her skull would be pale pink; that’s the trouble with being a bald freak.) For me, this worked very well. I honestly felt my scalp react to these words. Wonderful.
Best of luck.
MY apologies for a second post. Started posting my reviews before fully reading the directions, which clearly state not to post anonymously. So, in case anyone needs to know, the below post was mine.
ReplyDeleteOthers have given such good feedback, I can only add one thing. (A gaggle of freshmen) just somehow draws too much of my attention from the story and your MC. It may just be me, but the word gaggle made me stop. It just seemed a word out of place in a YA.
(She knew even the top of her skull would be pale pink; that’s the trouble with being a bald freak.) For me, this worked very well. I honestly felt my scalp react to these words. Wonderful.
Best of luck
I like Amerea and definitely feel for her. Nice subtle suggestions that she might have some power with her thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSomething that caught me, how does the girl who put the paper on Amerea's desk know who she is?
I'm curious about this world that is differently organized than my, or my kids', experience.
Best of luck!
I’d remove that first sentence and start with the boy looking at her. Rather than her call herself a bald freak, you could have her reach up as if to straighten her hair only to touch smooth skin. That way you can paint the picture of her insecurity while also showing how she hates being watched. But as I read this I couldn’t help but wonder if she hated the way she looked, why didn’t she just wear a wig? I felt like it contradicted itself; on one hand she doesn’t want the attention yet she does nothing to try and avoid it. I would suggest leveling that out and making it a little more clearer.
ReplyDeleteThanks for entering!
Better:
ReplyDeleteShe was used to the whispers. Cancer treatment doesn’t play nice with anyone and she’d been playing with treatments for a long time. It was worse when she tried to hide it. Wigs and scarves just drew more unwanted attention. Amarea looked down at her body. She looked more like someone who survived a concentration camp than a high school freshman.