TITLE: Bury Me First
GENRE: YA Thriller
Her lips were the kind guys like me doodled on folders. Full, voluptuous masterpieces worthy of description and honor. Every curve, every delicate change in texture sent tingling sensations through my fingertips. Her lips were perfectly imprinted in my mind. I stared at them in class and in the halls. Everywhere I saw her. I could describe them in my sleep. And I was about to taste them.
I had closed my eyes out of an awkward habit, but as I drew close enough to feel her breath, I dared myself to open them. Her eyes were open, too, and that startled me enough to pause.
“Are you going to admire me or play?” she asked, lifting the edge of those perfect lips into a subtle grin.
My legs weakened. “I—”
Before my words could form, Rebecca Royal grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into her. I could have died at that moment, and might have, had she not filled me with enough satisfaction to occupy every dream for the rest of my life. Hers were the juiciest lips I’d ever tasted. They were moist and sensational. I massaged her mouth the best I could, but she was in control. Complete control. I was the prey and she was the huntress, encircling me with her strawberry taste and enough of her tongue to keep me reaching for more when she pulled away.
One thing that stands out is even though you spent a paragraph describing lips, the description was generic enough that I can't actually picture the lips. There are a lot of ways mouths look different in size and shape that I'd like to see included. And a little imperfection makes the description more real.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "pulled me into her" might be a bit more suggestive than you intended.
It's a very interesting way to open your book and you have a nice lyrical prose.
Nice rhythm here! I think the lines "filled me with enough satisfaction" and "I massaged her mouth the best I could" seemed kind of awkward and could use some polishing. I found this really interesting and am assuming it's coming from a guy mc since I can picture a guy focusing so exclusively on something external like lips. If the mc is a girl, you might want to add more detail about what else the mc likes about Rebecca Royal (great name, btw). Good work!
ReplyDeleteSo obviously he likes her! The kiss has me curious. His obsession with her lips has me curious, as well. I'm thinking of all the possibilities of where this story might be headed. I agree with some of the description being a little too much. "filled me with enough satisfaction" threw me off.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I'd read on!
I like the MC's use of language and the subtle sense of insecurity even though he is in the middle of a dream come true.
ReplyDeleteI get a good sense of Rebecca's character, beyond her lips, with this line of dialogue: "Are you going to admire me ... "
I would like to know if he's risking something here (a dare, maybe?), or if there's more to the insecurity, like a fear of being played or pranked.
The use of 'had' kind of throws me off, tense-wise.
Otherwise, nice work!
I liked the opening and thought it was done well, although I had the same problems with those two phrases as the other commenters. And I did want to know how he ended up in this position of being able to kiss her, and would have liked to have seen it on the page, but I'm guessing it will come up soon.
ReplyDeleteI loved the flow in this. You managed to describe his obsession with his crush’s lips; how he felt now that he was going to finally be exposed to the object of his fantasy; and his emotions when he finally got to kiss her.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part about him being the prey and she the huntress as it showed their places in the situation. It also made me wonder if the analogy was a set up to the thriller that’s supposed to be coming. Because based on how Rebecca is portrayed, it seemed like there was more to her than met the eye. Good job and thanks for entering!