TITLE: Frigid
GENRE: YA Speculative Fiction
I count the flakes, trying to discern between white and gray, ice and snow. I long for the warmth of the sun that has yet to wake the new day. The frigid bite of the cold enters my bones. The knots on my skyn as I loop, ring, pull, loop, ring, pull tug at something deep within. When I get to the end, I untie loosen, pull, release and start again. The cloud of my breath is as close as the northern air enveloping me. Far off on the frozen icefield, I yearn for the warmth of my mother and sisters as I wait for my father to return and accompany him home.
The horizon is a thin line bumped with silver, illuminating the Nouluiv—the northland. This is where creation begins, on the blank canvas of ice, the wind whispering life into being. The pale dawn kisses my cheeks awake; cozy in our home, my mother does the same to my little sisters. "Rise and shine my little dream makers. Let sleep keep the moon until the sun sets." Her voice echoes in recent memory as she eases us to waking, warming water and our furs as she keeps the fire stoked. Now I'm of age to set out onto the ice alone, and today I'll be the first one to greet my father.
The wind whistles shrilly, whipping up snow like dust, my only company on the lonely white plain...
I love your opening sentences! The introduction of "skyn" tells me a lot right away and the MC's internal "tugging" at something deep within is intriguing. Good job of setting the scenery. Moving the problem "I'm of an age..." to the end of the first paragraph would strengthen it, I think.
ReplyDeleteChills! The setting hasn't crystallized in my mind, although there's a lot written about it. And I don't have a good grasp of the stakes or who the MC is. The MC's family is well understood, almost too much, where I leave the opening scene feeling like I understand them, but don't understand the MC at all, or what the MC wants. Keep going!
ReplyDeleteI like your first paragraph. It has a very literary feel. I don't understand why she has to do that job before the sun comes up on the ice and not inside by a fire, but maybe that's explained later. The second paragraph is a memory. Memories are backstory. I don't think it's accomplishing what you want it to. There's so much description in the first paragraph that I think you need some action in the second to keep the reader engaged. Maybe her father could approach. Maybe one of her sisters could arrive. That way you could weave in the same information while you pick up the pace. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteOverall, it definitely makes me want to read more. Only a few things from me:
ReplyDeleteI would remove the second to last sentence from the first paragraph (about breath). It seems unnecessary, especially since you explain how cold it is a lot already.
I agree with some of the above comments regarding your MC. While I have a vague idea of their duties, I don't know how they feel, what they're thinking (other than reminiscing). Also, gender or age? I may have missed it but that might help people connect.
Good luck!
Gorgeous description here. Love how you've set up the family. I feel cold reading it, the imagery is so vivid. Would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteIf this was made into a movie they would open with paragraph two, then slid into paragraph one, then put some stakes in paragraph three. Just something I noticed.
ReplyDeleteYour paragraphs are kind of long. Cut off all the fat and your words will entice me to keep going. Wordiness makes me lose focus and interferes with the flow.
You make me feel the cold, how alone the MC is in a vast, inhospitable place. From the words you use, I am sure this is a young girl taking on her first adult responsibilities for the family. This is all fantastic. With that said, I need a foretaste of what this story is going to be about.
It’s a beautiful setting. Best of luck.
MY apologies for a second post. Started posting my reviews before fully reading the directions, which clearly state not to post anonymously. So, in case anyone needs to know, the below post was mine.
ReplyDeleteIf this was made into a movie they would open with paragraph two, then slid into paragraph one, then put some stakes in paragraph three. Just something I noticed.
Your paragraphs are kind of long. Cut off all the fat and your words will entice me to keep going. Wordiness makes me lose focus and interferes with the flow.
You make me feel the cold, how alone the MC is in a vast, inhospitable place. From the words you use, I am sure this is a young girl taking on her first adult responsibilities for the family. This is all fantastic. With that said, I need a foretaste of what this story is going to be about.
It’s a beautiful setting. Best of luck.
Beautiful setting! I also like the pace of the language.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider ending paragraph one with '... air enveloping me.' The second paragraph illustrates well the last sentence.
I'm intrigued by this place and this narrator, waiting for his/her father and want to know more about the importance of this job.
Nice work!
I loved that first line.
ReplyDeleteBut overall, I thought this was wonderful. I could connect with the character and setting. The descriptions and voice were clear and helped me picture the girl standing on the plain and wanting for her father. The only thing I would suggest is incorporating some description to let the reader know if this character is male or female since it doesn’t say. Still, great job.
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