TITLE: The Traveler
GENRE: YA Time Travel Romance
People say you won’t know your power until it arrives. That unless a Seer or a Glimpser tells you, you’ll have no way of guessing what it will be. But ever since I was a little girl, I couldn’t shake the strange sensation that I could somehow travel through time. Like if I really wanted to, I could disappear inside myself, fold inside out, and end up somewhere else.
I just wasn’t exactly sure how to make it happen.
Of course, I also believed time travel to be an absurd idea, so I never said a word to anyone.
Then, one night when I was eight years old, I climbed into bed and fell asleep only to awaken terrified, outside on the frozen ground. In the inky blackness of night, I peered up at the sky, desperate for guidance from the Stars. But the only thing visible was a yellow-white sliver of moon. I stood, wondering if this was what it felt like to be dead.
Wearing only my light sleeping clothes, I wandered aimlessly through the frigid darkness. My teeth chattered uncontrollably and no matter how tight I hugged my arms around my chest, no trace of warmth remained. If I wasn’t dead, it certainly seemed like I might freeze to death now.
When faint yellow lights appeared in the distance, I urged my numb feet forward, following their glow. In time, I came upon an unfamiliar cottage nestled in the bare skeleton trees.
"Of course, I also believed time travel to be an absurd idea, so I never said a word to anyone." --> This line is a bit confusing, as it's unclear if time travel isn't part of the magic which obviously exists in this world, or if it's just a rare power.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not oriented in the eight-year-old's world--what does the house where she lives look like? Is this a Lord of the Rings type fantasy world or an urban fantasy?
I like the setup concept: "I never believed in time travel, UNTIL...." but I was also bit confused about how time travel fits in to the other powers in this world. In this world, Seers tell people what their powers will be, but time travel isn't one of them? Tricky, this world building stuff!
ReplyDeleteReally solid writing here! A couple of quibbles: When the mc woke up outside, I assumed it was right outside her house, so I was confused when she had to find out where she was. Maybe add an extra line that says she woke up in the middle of a field, etc. LOVE the line, "disappear inside myself, fold inside out and end up somewhere else". So so so good.
ReplyDeleteThere is an echo of the word "only" in the third and fifth paragraphs.
Good job!
Really solid writing here! A couple of quibbles: When the mc woke up outside, I assumed it was right outside her house, so I was confused when she had to find out where she was. Maybe add an extra line that says she woke up in the middle of a field, etc. LOVE the line, "disappear inside myself, fold inside out and end up somewhere else". So so so good.
ReplyDeleteThere is an echo of the word "only" in the third and fifth paragraphs.
Good job!
I made three changes which seemed to make it flow better for me. Tiny stuff for your consideration. I love the rest. You have done well.
ReplyDeleteThen, one night when I was eight years old, I climbed into bed and fell asleep only to awaken terrified, (on the frozen ground in an unfamiliar forest). In the inky blackness of night, I peered up at the sky, desperate for guidance from the Stars. But the only thing visible was a yellow-white sliver of moon. I stood, wondering if this was what it felt like to be dead.
Wearing only my light sleeping clothes, I wandered aimlessly through the frigid darkness. My teeth chattered uncontrollably and no matter how tight I hugged my arms around my chest, no trace of warmth remained. If I wasn’t dead, it certainly seemed like I might freeze to death (soon.)
When faint yellow lights appeared in the distance, I urged my numb feet forward(. ) In time, I came upon an unfamiliar cottage nestled in the bare skeleton trees.
Perhaps start somewhere else. This beginning is your mc telling us a story that is not the story of her life now. If what happened to her when she was eight is important, include it later. Start your story now. Where is the mc now? What is she doing now? Why is she doing it? As is, you"re not only starting with a flashback, you're telling it instead of showing it. Remember, this is a story, not a monologue. Start with the mc doing something instead of talking to us.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good. You have some nice imagery here. You've created tone and mood. Now give us the story.
Nice opening and a great voice for the MC. Working in a bit more description on the world she's in will help give it definition. Being able to time travel seems quite commonplace in the story's 'world' if we go off the first line, so it reads a little bit odd that she would think herself absurd for entertaining the idea. There is an oppressive mood to this that I like, however :)
ReplyDeleteI love this! The voice is clear right from the beginning, and we get some nice hints of worldbuilding. I'm also curious about what's happening, and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm a huge fan of Time Traveler's Wife and I think this is a great set up for a YA version.
ReplyDeleteI think this:
I couldn’t shake the strange sensation that I could somehow travel through time. Like if I really wanted to, I could disappear inside myself, fold inside out, and end up somewhere else.
I just wasn’t exactly sure how to make it happen.
is a bit confusing because to me it seems that the MC inherently knows how to travel. Perhaps she always knew but didn't trust it because it was absurd?
Best of luck!
I love this: 'ever since I was a little girl, I couldn’t shake the strange sensation that I could somehow travel through time. Like if I really wanted to, I could disappear inside myself, fold inside out, and end up somewhere else.' It would be a great place to start.
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with Barbara about showing where the MC is now and what her problems and desires are, with a hint of her past to give us some context. Incorporate the flashback later along with relevant facts from the present.
I'm a big fan of time travel stories, so I wish you luck!
On the first sentence, I’d rephrase so it’s not saying “people” and then redo the second one to compensate for it and remove all the multiple “you". For instance, you could do “Power isn’t revealed until it arrives. Unless a Seer or a Glimpser says so, there’s no way of guessing what power it will be…”
ReplyDeleteI’d also rework the last three paragraphs as you’re simply telling history and not the current events. Start right from where the story truly begins. For example, after that line “Of course, I also believed time travel to be an absurd idea…” you could have her waiting in line for the Seers/Glimpsers to name her power and prove/disprove that she does have time traveling ability. We don’t need to know what happened to her when she’s eight. We need to know what’s happening to her right now to stay connected to her.
Thanks for entering!