Wednesday, August 19, 2009

37 Secret Agent

TITLE: Saving Satan
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

Satan pouted.

Hordes of damned souls shuffled before him in a chained off queue.
Every four meters, a sign flashed the estimated time it would take to
reach the torture devices. Anticipation fed the terror. So did bats.
One swooped down to gouge a cheek. The Damned recoiled with yelps.
What did they expect? Hell was hell. He should tattoo that on all
their pathetic foreheads.

He flicked a talon at the next soul, whose freshly minted immortal
body still bore the curved form of a human female. She cowered, head
darting in search of escape. Typical newbie.

Satan inhaled her salty, warm aura. “If you can spell
‘Mephistopheles,’ I’ll give you a pass this round.”

Hope flashed in her eyes. She straightened up. “M E P H I S T O P H E L E S.”

Satan summoned an oily assistant demon. “Escort her to the elbow-wrencher.”

Her knees faltered. “But I spelled it correctly.”

Satan rolled his head, working out a neck kink. He pointed to a small
sign that hadn’t been there a moment earlier,

NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES
(AND NO ONE LYKES A GOOD SPELLER.)

She shrieked as the demon dragged her away. Satan giggled. King of
Lies, baby, King of Lies.

25 comments:

  1. Interesting. I like the voice and the pace. I think a little bit more sensory description could add even more.

    I'm hooked. Thanks for sharing. :)

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  2. Okay, so I was already laughing at: Satan pouted-LOL. This seems really interesting. I'd definitely read on to see where it goes.

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  3. I loved the first line, and laughed at the bad spelling sign. I'm hooked!

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  4. very clever..I'm definitely hooked!

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  5. I think this is funny. I love first line, tells me it's going to be tongue in cheek.

    Speaking of cheeks, though, I stumbled on that word in the first paragraph. Who's cheek is the bat gouging? Who's down there?

    There's a unique voice here and good use of humor.

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  6. Amused. I've seen this before. As then - this isn't my thing, but I do appreciate the sardonic humor at least.

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  7. Not interested, though I did enjoy the humor. It felt a little cliche and over the top- this is how hell is depicted in cartoons all the time; it didn't really feel original.

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  8. This isn't my type of story - I don't like this much humor. Guess I like my Satan a bit darker (yikes! Satan giggling) so no, I wouldn't read on. However, I think it's great that so many enjoyed.

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  9. Hooked! The humor here is great, and I'm interested in where this is going. I would read on.

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  10. LOVE the humor and voice! Definitely hooked!

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  11. Smart, funny writing, but as someone said above, this is the cartoon view of Hell and is not original. I've also seen writing like this that moves into erotica/S&M. I would probably look at the next page, but this is not my type of story.

    Good luck!

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  12. You need to show what Satan is pouting about. Why is this moment different from any other?

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  13. Can we see this as a screen play? LOL Enjoyed. Not hooked yet, but I liked it.

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  14. Definitely amused, and though usually this would be my kind of thing, something just didn't "click" with me to make me love it and say I'm hooked. I'd read on for a bit, definitely, and depending on the jacket copy, I might pick it up.

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  15. Heh. This one has some great humor, but it's not for me. I just can't get behind Satan as a protag. It's not you. It's me.

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  16. I liked the first line...great imagry.

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  17. I can't quite say I'm hooked. It's an interesting concept and I liked the third para with the minted immortal, but Satan to me came off like a big kid just throwing a tantrum with the pouting and giggling and the last line. Also and this is a little thing but the caps made me wince. I assusme it's supposed to be a comedy urban fantasy? At least I get that from those two lines. I don't know... I'm sorry but it's just not for me.

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  18. I actually found myself laughing out loud with this one. However, I can't help but wonder with some of the other commenters if Satan is just too, well, silly. Could he be a little crazy, too? I mean, he's got to be insane by now, don't you think...if he wasn't already.

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  19. Meg, your line about the screenplay occurred to me too. I keep seeing Hellboy as Satan. lol

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  20. I was laughing at this. I'm hooked.

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  21. This is very clever and the writing strong and clear, but it's not for me. I like to relate to the mc, and in this case I related more to his victim. I could see this working for a specific type of reader (and agent) though.

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  22. The author of this manuscriptAugust 21, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    Thanks for all your helpful comments, everyone! Y'all are making me rethink my opening chapter. Believe it or not, it's a love story that alternates between the POV of Satan and the woman he falls (rises?) for. Based upon so many "I liked this, but" comments, I might rearrange to open with the woman's POV.

    Thanks again!

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  23. I liked the opening! Satan made me giggle.

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  24. Hooked! :) Not sure if you need to start with the woman...the query should reflect enough of your story to show that the plot it there.

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  25. Ok, I've read your entry a long time ago, maybe a half a year ago. I still love it. Honestly, I would love to read this novel!

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