Wednesday, March 27, 2013

March Secret Agent #8

TITLE: The Children of Chaos: TELOS
GENRE: YA Paranormal

It was going to be the best weekend of my life.

I stood at the end of the walkway, absorbed in a daydream, oblivious to the cloud of exhaust engulfing me as the bus pulled away…until I inhaled and nearly died coughing. Urged forward, I moved toward my front door.

I couldn’t believe it was finally here, my fifteenth birthday.

And he was coming.

It was going to be perfect.

“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s voice carried through the open windows, effectively killing my fantasy of his lips on mine.

I sighed. She was doing it again. The littlest spot of dirt could set her off, especially if we were expecting company. I swear, if she wrecks my weekend just because of some dumb dust bunny… Gripping the front door’s handle, I hesitated going inside and running the risk of her recruiting me.

“No! You can’t! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”

The handle ripped out of my hand and, as I stumbled forward, strong arms caught me. “Oh! I’m so…” I looked up at the stranger holding me. Ho-ly jeez.

Tousled, chestnut hair fell in waves to his chin. My gaze drifted past his perfect lips and high cheekbones to lashes I would’ve killed for and eyes the oddest shade of violet I’d ever seen. He blinked and they changed, becoming brilliant, deep-blue oceans. An overwhelming sense of familiarity filled me as I drowned in those eyes, unable to look away. “Do I, do I know you?”


  1. I like the writing, but for me this is just screaming with cliches. The eye color-changing stranger, the big crush, etc. I'm not a Twilight fan though, so maybe someone from the YA paranormal fan base would enjoy this more. Personally, I'd prefer a little more plot in the opening. Maybe others will feel differently :)

  2. I loved it. Cliches don't bother me. I like something that is easy to ready, realistic and easy to relate to. All if which this is. However agents ATM seem to be putting no paranormal ya on their lists of dont wants so you may have trouble getting an agent to take an interest. But good luck. And remember people said vampires were dead after twilight and then came the dark heroine do there is still a market there, it's just tougher!!!

  3. The "ho-ly jeez" reaction to an eye-changing stranger seems very familiar to me in YA Paranormal. Also mentioning the main character's birthday within the first page. I agree with Margaret that this seems full of cliches.
    But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just has to have a great voice to pull it off. I would like to have read more about the mother's obsession with being clean and how that's affecting her daughter's life, and perhaps a few sentences of unique description that show me the rest of the novel is going to balance out the cliches.

  4. I agree with most of the other comments. I think you might be starting in the wrong place. What if you start with "I sighed. She was doing it again." and go from there? I don't think the I'm-so-excited-it's-my-birthday stuff is as interesting as overhearing her mom talking to some hot mystery guy.

    Just a thought.

    Best of luck!

  5. I second what Michelle says. I think her starting point is much better one - gets right to a conflict and a good beginning is all about the conflict. We don't need to know about the bus and the exhaust or her hopes for the day - just yet :) Give us a conflict first then let's see her dreams dashed or changed. Best of luck!!

  6. You have a nice sense of YA voice and the dialogue here works well. I think it's a little repetitive -- for example, that it's going to be the best weekend of her life -- but I like the hints of characterization about her mom.

    I'm a little concerned that the handsome stranger enters too quickly. Once he's onstage, you seem to lean a little on paranormal tropes (the changing eyes, the sense of familiarity), so I'd like to see the main character established a little more before we meet the love interest.