TITLE: Raptor Snatch
GENRE: Commercial Fiction
Randi thought her guitar player Kelvin hated her, but he just came to her much needed defense in a big way.
“Kelvin!”
He turns. “What?”
I stop a couple feet short of him. “What the f*** was that?”
He shuffles his feet, and leans against his car. “I… I didn’t like the hurt look on your face. F****** Ashwin. He had no right to say what he did. Why did you follow me?”
I bite my lip. “I don’t know. It felt like I had to say something.”
He shakes his head. “You don’t have to say anything Randi.”
“I know I don’t have to. But seriously, thank you Kelvin. It meant – it means a lot to me.” I look at his hand. “Is your hand ok?” I can’t look at his face. His face is where his eyes are, and for some reason my face burns when I think about making eye contact with him right now. I see his feet come towards me, his arm move, and then his fingers are underneath my chin, tilting my head back. A second of hungrily intense eye contact. And then he’s kissing me. We’re kissing. It’s slow, and deep, and amazing, movements like cold honey. I realize I’m kissing Kelvin, and abruptly pull back.
My hand surprises us both by not reaching up and slapping him in the face.
“Dude, what the f***?” The voice I intended to be angry comes out sounding more lazy, and husky than anything else. I’ll be annoyed when I get the feeling back into my legs.
He sighs.“I couldn’t stop myself. I’m not sorry though.”
“But we hate each other.”
One corner of his mouth tucks in. “Do we?” he asks softly.
I sigh. “I don’t know. I thought we did. Until you made with the lips.”
I really like this! You have great voice, nice description (absolutely yummy kiss), and snappy dialogue. If you're looking for improvment, I'd suggest dropping some of the things we as the reader already know like "right now" when talking about eye contact, or "I realize I'm kissing Kevin." We know :) Great job!
ReplyDeleteI read the genre and the title but then was confused by the snippet because this certainly reads like a romance? This is the second or third present tense entry that I've read and I'm not certain that it works well here. Minor-ish item, but I also noticed that you did not set off your "nouns of direct address" with commas. For example, comma that is bracketed should be added: "You don't have to say anything[,] Randi."
ReplyDeleteExcessive stage direction. You do not need to specify an action with every piece of dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThis will likely result in rejection because it will require too much effort on the part of the agent or editor to prepare the manuscript to be published.
I've seen your query over on Query Shark. I applaud your dedication.
Ugh, I know everybody uses the 'F' word but I kept cringing...
ReplyDeleteOTHERWISE, I loved this! I loved how she sees his feet, and his arm, coming closer... Oooh! I knew what was gonna happen! :D
It's really hard to write a kissing scene that isn't way over the top, or falls flat. this was a great mix of 'hot smoochie' and 'what the flip is going on', from the MC's point of view.
I would read this!
I just read this again... and there's some great stuff here.
ReplyDelete"Dude, what the f***?” The voice I intended to be angry comes out sounding more lazy, and husky than anything else. I’ll be annoyed when I get the feeling back into my legs."
Haha! Love it! Doesn't that just (stink) when we're trying to sound angry and the words are there but the tone is all wrong. Lazy and husky are awesome words for what happens when somebody's just smooched the angry out of you.