TITLE: Unraveled
GENRE: YA Mystery
I found it impossible to pick a favorite, until I saw the strapless taffeta dress hanging inside Mrs. Kline’s meticulous closet. Nancy, my mother’s best friend, insisted I wear one of her original designs to my first homecoming dance. As if I’d say no.
“This is it.” I couldn’t keep the grin off my face.
Nancy ran her fingers over the dress. “This material was imported from India.”
I stood in front of the mirror with the gown on, fidgeting and pretending to admire myself.
“Is everything all right, Taylor?” Nancy asked.
“I love the dress, but for sure I’ll be pulling it up all night.”
“No worries, I’ll add a little padding, make a few tucks, and no one will have to know.” Nancy maneuvered her wheelchair behind the sewing machine. Her career as a fashion designer ended after the automobile accident that killed her husband also left her paralyzed from the waist down.
“Taylor, I have some costume jewelry, exceptionally good imitation, that I know will interest you. There’s a tall dresser in my guest room. I think the second drawer.” She paused. “Maybe the third. Help yourself, while I finish up here.”
“No. Really?” Hello, sparkle.
I ran into the room, opened the first drawer and sitting right on top, I found an envelope marked adoption papers. My adrenaline started pumping fast, and this little voice in my head said, ‘Do not open.’ But, the rest of me said, ‘Heck yes, open and read.’
Definitely an interesting beginning. I liked the character's voice (breezy with a nice hint of humor). I have two small nitpicks-for one, when she says she's pretending to admire herself, it seems a bit at odds with the pleasure she initially shows in choosing the dress. I also found the last couple of sentences (where she finds the adoption papers) a bit jarring-I think you might do better with a smoother transition, one where there's some more emotional impact shown.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, you definitely spurred my curiosity to read further and find out what's in the envelope. Overall a very nice job!
I think you have a nice start. I don't know where this going or why this lady who is so organized would have adoption papers sitting around but that in itself would make me read on to find out. That's a good thing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and good luck!
When I saw that this was a YA Mystery I was immediately all, 'HECK YES' I can't wait to read this. And I wasn't disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first commenter about the beginning, (where she says she's pretending but is actually enjoying picking out the dress. It was a little too at odds, for me) but I love the last sentences and the voice. The first 250 definitely made me want to turn the page to see what your MC was going to do next. Nicely done!
Hi, there. I'm definitely compelled to read more, and I love the tone. Here are a few nit-picks: 1)The use of the word meticulous to describe a closet doesn't quite work for me. I would think an inanimate object would be meticulously maintained, but not meticulous in and of itself. 2)I also had a bit of trouble with the transition from Mrs. Kline to Nancy; just had to read that a couple of times to be sure we were discussing the same person. 3)Could the fabric be imported from someplace a bit more evocative of specialness/luxury? When I think Indian fabric, I think madras. But I don't know, maybe India is a big taffeta exporter and I'm full of beans. 4) I agree, though I hadn't caught it myself, that happening across adoption papers in the home of a meticulous person seems odd, unless of course they've been placed there with the hopes of being found, which of course is very intriguing. If that's where you're headed, Taylor might have a brief thought about the strangeness of that. All in all, fun!
ReplyDeleteI've seen a previous version of this and I like what you've done with it. I admire your ability to kill your darlings. :) I love the voice too.
ReplyDeleteI think all your ideas are well in order, and the adoption tease is good (the placement of the envelope makes me think it was left there deliberately). It reads a little rough, sort of "personal journal" rather than novel. Maybe that is also deliberate, but I'd like to see it flow a bit more: split up some of the longer sentences to add variety, and so on.
ReplyDeleteI loved the fact that the piece is entitled Unraveled and starts with this exchange about clothing and sewing. I have to agree with some others that I didn't know why an organized person would have those important papers lying around, but I definitely want to know more. Good luck and thanks for sharing your work--It takes courage!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above. The situation is cute. The adoption papers come out of nowhere. I think if you built up to that it would make more sense. I'm not sure if I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I too, wondered about the adoption papers, but my curiousity was more about why she opened the top drawer when it was specified she look in the second or third. I think there should have been some mention of her just snooping--because that is what she was doing since she deliberately chose to open a drawer that she didn't have permission to open.
This is a very good start though. I want to read more.
I really like the tone of this and the dialogue is good. I would say it might not be necessary to say why/how Nancy was paralyzed; that way you can get to the adoption papers a little sooner. In such a short space it's hard to convey the hook of the book right away, so maybe leave details until a little later.
ReplyDeleteBut I like the voice a lot and would definitely read more.
I've also seen earlier versions of this and think you've done a great job. I do agree with the other commenters about the papers coming out of nowhere, so we need a little more build up to that. Maybe the MC notices a drawer that is usually locked is sitting there, slightly ajar, taunting her to peek.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and this is being nit-picky, but why would a car accident stop Nancy from fashion designing?
I'd read more and hope to in the future. ;-)
Think you need a hook to start out with. As this is a mystery, maybe something mysterious?
ReplyDeleteConsider starting this when she runs into the room and finds adoption papers. For me, that's more interesting and involving.
Just an idea...
Wow, does that beg the reader to continue! Nicely done! Flashbacks of picking homecoming dresses flew through my head :)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I really like this. I'm a mystery fan, so the adoption papers have me intrigued.
ReplyDeleteMy two little nitpicks are ones already mentioned by others:
1) Mrs. Kline and Nancy are the same person?
2) Would a car accident really end her fashion career? I would think a woman in a wheelchair could still sew.
Other than that, great job!
I really like the scene. A few small nitpicks / suggestions:
ReplyDeleteSwitching the first and second paragraphs might give you a more effective first line. (Start instead with " "This is it." I couldn't keep the grin off my face.")
I like the descriptions of the dress selection, and the interaction between the narrator and Nancy. I don't know that the reader necessarily needs to know right away why Nancy is in the wheelchair or that she gave up her fashion career at this point (a little more show, less tell.) I think it's enough at the opening simply to know she's in a wheelchair. Nancy also seems to speak a little awkwardly in the "Taylor, I have some costume jewelry, exceptionally good imitation, that I know will interest you." paragraph. Overall, I like the narrator and would keep reading.
This is a very good and informative article
ReplyDeleteGreat title in juxtaposition to the opening, and good introduction of the mystery early on.
ReplyDeleteYour first line seems a little overdone, and I think it has to do with an unecessary comma and the word "meticulous." Just a nitpicky thing -- my eye gets held up there.
Are Nancy and Mrs. Kline the same person?
I like the feeling of this piece. It immediately put me in a good mood. I agree with the previous posters. I think it could use a bit of smoothing and the adoption papers came out of nowhere. I did get the impression that they were lying there on purpose.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I think the right ingredients are here to hook the reader (tapping into Taylor's excitement for the dance, enough so that we want to see how it plays out, the surprise of the adoption papers, etc.) but I was distracted by some of the language and the presentation of it all--isn't she ACTUALLY admiring herself in the mirror, not pretending? Why exactly would being paralyzed from the waist down stop someone from designing fashion? Though, on the other hand, wouldn't being paralyzed from the waist down make it impossible for Nancy to use the pedals of a sewing machine? Would an envelope of adoption papers really be labeled "ADOPTION PAPERS"? All the revelations happened so quickly in the narration (about the paralysis, the adoption papers, as others have commented), that they felt strangely unimportant to the story, like the narration would slow down once it got to the REALLY important details...
ReplyDeleteDear Secret Agent (just in case you revisit - I've made revisions.) Thanks everyone!
ReplyDelete“This is it.” I couldn’t keep the grin off my face when I saw the strapless taffeta dress. My neighbor, Nancy Kline, insisted I wear one of her original designs to my first homecoming dance. As if I’d say no.
Nancy ran her fingers over the dress. “This material was imported from Paris.”
I stood in front of the full-length mirror with her gown on, fidgeting and wishing I had bigger boobs.
“Is everything all right, Taylor?” Nancy asked.
“I love the dress, but for sure I’ll be pulling it up all night.”
“No worries, I’ll add a little padding, make a few tucks, and no one will have to know.” Nancy maneuvered her wheelchair behind her fancy hand controlled sewing machine.
“Taylor, you’ll need a necklace. There’s tall dresser in my guest room. I think the first drawer.” She paused. “Maybe the third? I have a fabulous 'Swarovski' chocker. Help yourself, while I finish up here.”
“No. Really?” Hello, sparkle.
I ran into the room, opened the first drawer and sitting right on top, I found an envelope marked Confidential. My adrenaline started pumping fast, and this little voice in my head said, ‘Do not open.’ But, the rest of me said, ‘Heck yes, open and read.’
My mind raced, while my eyes moved back and forth between the drawer and door. Crazy thoughts kept popping into my head. The fear of getting caught horrified me. Yet, I had to know what was in that envelope.