TITLE: Body and Soul
GENRE: YA Light Science Fiction
Jane is dead, but I don’t know that yet. I don’t remember how the night ended, so I wake up happy.
I don’t realize where I am. I don’t even realize I’m awake yet. Jane is lying dead, and precious time is passing, and my half-awake mind is playing scenes from last night, prom night, just like some cheesy date movie.
***
I ride my bike to Jane’s house wearing a rented tuxedo, pedaling fast so that I don’t have time to sweat in the heat that radiates from the Phoenix streets. Soon I’m standing in an air-conditioned entryway with Jane’s father and grandmother, and of course I’m sweating anyway as we watch Jane come down the stairs, all blond and pure-looking.
She actually says, “Wow, you look great!” when she reaches the bottom of the steps, and she leans forward, on tiptoes, to kiss my cheek. I inhale sweetness—vanilla and sugar—and feel a strange ache inside my chest, like a tender spot, which seems to appear whenever I’m close to Jane. And then I’m just standing there staring at her. I can never quite figure out why she’s so much more beautiful than any other pretty girl.
“Do you like my dress?” Jane asks, probably because I’m gawking at her like an idiot. “It was my mom’s,” she adds.
The dress is cream-colored lace, old-fashioned—different from the slinky prom dresses most girls wear—and it hugs her body.
“Yes,” I answer stupidly. I can’t think of what else to say.
I like where you're going with this. I have one tiny little thing to suggest. Is there a way to work this part in some place other than the very beginning?
ReplyDelete"Jane is dead, but I don’t know that yet. I don’t remember how the night ended, so I wake up happy.
I don’t realize where I am. I don’t even realize I’m awake yet. Jane is lying dead, and precious time is passing, and my half-awake mind is playing scenes from last night, prom night, just like some cheesy date movie."
I think if you open with the part where he's peddling towards her house, then watching her come down the stairs might make it more immediate. If you know what I mean.
That being said, I'd definitely keep reading to see where this goes! Nice job :)
I agree with the previous comment. I like the details that introduce the date, how you get us immediately into the scene and the nervousness of a big date.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big fan of starting with obvious foreshadowing, like the first line, "Jane is dead, but I don't know that yet." If the main character doesn't know that yet, I don't really want to know it yet either--I'd rather be surprised and horrified along with him. I think I might be able to buy this line better, if the story was past tense, but it comes off strange to me for a present-tense narrator to both know and not know something at the same time.
I think there are subtle ways to introduce the sense that something's wrong--or is going to go wrong--in the way you describe the start of the date.
But I think the overall situation--a boy whose girlfriend has just died--has a lot of possibility for suspense and tension and I'd like to see where this goes!
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteThere are way too many usages of the word "don't" in the opening paragraph. My advice here would be: "Don't do this."
ReplyDeleteThe second section seems much more organized than the choppy beginning.
I think you can also take out the "half-awake" from the last sentence in your first paragraph. In context, it doesn't sound like something the reader should be concerned with yet.
ReplyDeleteI like how sweet he's being, and the interaction between him and the girl so far! Would love to read more!
You hooked me. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Rosalyn about the present tense. I spent way too much time trying to figure out how he could tell us what he doesn't know, even though he obviously knows enough to tell us. Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteAside from that confusion, I loved the voice, and loved the description of Jane through his eyes. It felt very authentic, very teenage boy in love. Nice job!
I agree with everything Rosalyn said. Keep in mind that an agent reading this will usually have a query letter, and if it gets published readers will have the back-cover blurb, so most audiences won't be coming into this as cold as we are and will presumably know that Jane dies. I'd recommend cutting the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe butterflies-in-the-stomach-ness of the opening scene is authentic and well done, but you should be able to pull us into a story without pretty much killing a character in the first three words of the book...that feels too obvious (and even a bit cheap!) to me, and it makes me worry that the pacing of this story won't be up to snuff, etc...
ReplyDelete