TITLE: Outside In
GENRE: Contemporary Young Adult
A bright red B. Oh my God. My lowest grade ever.
I rubbed my cheek as hard as I could and stuffed the paper into my binder before anyone could see it. I didn’t bother to check the comments—plenty of time to memorize those later.
My throat closed up and I couldn’t draw a full breath. One full grade less than an A. My G.P.A. would sink. Miranda would pass me in class rank.
One single B could ruin everything.
Dr. Shah wound her way through the rows of students. She handed a paper back to my friend Miranda, who grinned in triumph and scanned her comments. An A for sure.
How could I be such a fool? I clenched my teeth and my hands shook. I should have spent more time on the paper until it was flawless.
Dr. Shah passed out the last of the papers, but I barely noticed. Chairs scraped. Someone sneezed. There was a giggle from somewhere behind me. But all I could see was the afterimage of a—
Bright.
Red.
B.
The bell rang, and Miranda and I headed out the door together. Once we were in the hallway, she burst out, “I got an A! What about you?”
“Mmm,” I said, half-nodding.
She prattled on about her comments and each word stabbed at my stomach.
I couldn’t listen to her any longer. “I have to pee.”
I made it to the safety of a stall before the dam burst and the tears rushed down my cheeks.
Oh my, as a complete overachiever, I identified with this far too much. :) I think this is an awesome start. Great voice and I get a wonderful sense of the character. The only part I thought could be tightened (and this is really just nit-picky, it's very good) was the 'How could I be such a fool' paragraph. It just seemed unecessary given that we already get she's freaked out. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Squash about the fool comment--not needed, as you painted your MC and opening scene so well, we don't need to be told that.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I'd read more!
I really liked this, and as an overachiever I also identified right away. I love the set up, it's clear there is a competitiveness between these two friends, and the MC is not used to being 2nd place. So she's not only upset about the grade, but also about the loss to her friend/competition. You deliver that nicely here. I do agree with the critiques above about the fool part, but as the first one said, it's nit-picky.
ReplyDeleteGood job, I'd keep reading! :)
As a teacher, I have to say that no B on a single paper would ruin a kid's GPA. There are always many grades in a quarter, so one B wouldn't destroy her chances at an A.
ReplyDeleteAlso, even though I am a "recovering perfectionist," I have trouble feeling sympathy for her. She seems rather petty. Maybe if you tied her grades to something specific. For example, does she need all A's in order to get the academic scholarship that will allow her to go to college?
I did like the voice. This sounds like what a high school kid would say.
I have to agree with AJ above, on the sympathy factor. If the passage were humorous, and I think in a way maybe it's meant to be (but only for an adult looking back), I could go a lot farther in connecting with her. I'm not saying she has to be so self-aware that she knows this is ridiculous (although I think that is do-able), but if her voice was amusing in its seriousness, I'd bite. As it's written, though, it seems too high drama for the stakes as we know them, even in terms of the competition with Miranda.
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note on the title. I wasn't sure if you were aware, but there was a recent YA of the same name that came out by Maria V. Snyder. Just FYI. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I liked this opening, but I agree with A.J. in that I would like to see the grades tied to some competition, scholarship, or reward of some kind. Is the main character in competition with the other girl for some other reason, maybe? Humm....
ReplyDeleteNice voice, makes me want to know more about this character :) I would definitely keep reading
ReplyDeleteAs a high schooler who probably worries about her grades as much as your MC does, I have to say that (even to this obsessive straight-A student), it seems a bit too much. I agree with A.J.; a B on one paper would not affect her grade nearly as much as she seems to believe. (If there's 2 or 3 papers per quarter and she usually gets A's, then she would lose between 3 and 5 points off her paper grade for that quarter--which, factored in with homework grades, test grades, participation grades, etc., would not affect her actual English grade by all that much. It would probably affect her GPA itself by less than a point, if even that.) However, if this was a term paper or a big project or something, getting a B MIGHT be this big of an issue--but as it's written, this is just another essay out of many other essay, which makes it implausible (to me) that she would be so upset that her throat would close up and end up crying. If there is a reason for her to be reacting so strongly, the reader needs to learn about it right now; otherwise, this doesn't quite ring true. (I'd also suggest making the stakes for the paper a bit higher--for example, it could be a term paper, which can be as much as 30% of a student's semester grade.) If, however, she's just supposed to be obsessive over her grades, I'd suggest toning it down a bit.
ReplyDeleteI am going to agree with the other's about the paragraph that begins "How could I bee such a fool?". It's not as necessary, and that first sentence in particular does not really sound like something a teenager would say. (The rest of your writing, however, is a spot-on obsessive student. =)
One quick thing: "Once we were in the hallway, she burst out, 'I got an A!'" I would go with "burst out with" instead; this doesn't sound quite right.
All that being said--I feel like (if you scaled back her emotions a bit OR gave her a reason to react so strongly) you have something interesting here. Your MC sounds like she would be likable, though a bit competitive, and Miranda sounds like an interesting frenemy. The dynamic between them seems very interesting as well. You also do a good job of keeping with a teenager's voice throughout the piece.
Good job and good luck!
While I agree with the comments that a single B wouldn't affect your MC's GPA, I can see how it would devastate her getting a B when she's used to getting As. The part that didn't ring true for me was Miranda's excitement. If these girls are in competition, presumably Miranda is as used to getting As as the MC. I just don't feel like someone who is accustomed to high grades would get so excited over another A. Satisfaction or smugness maybe, but her excitement seems a bit much to me. I'd read on for a bit to see how she copes.
ReplyDeleteThis is so cool..thanks so much for the info. Love it!
ReplyDeleteThe writing is nice. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with those that said that they had a hard time sympathizing with the narrator. I understand that getting a B when someone you are competing with did better, especially a friend, but I couldn't bring myself to sypathize with her. It's just one paper. Maybe if it's the first class in her life she's struggling with and there have been a string of B's and A-'s or like someone mentioned, a scholarship hangs in the balance. But one B on one paper, I can't bring myself to be concerned for her even if she is uptight.
At first, I thought the reader was supposed to be kinda laughing at the narrator's freak-out over a B, but then the freak-out kept going and going and it lost that slapstick energy and became woefully serious. The opening paragraph is such a wonderfully efficient way of establishing the character's high-strung perfectionism, there's no need to spend the next several paragraphs reinforcing it...you could move on and say NEW things about the character, or move the story forward faster, etc. By the end of this opening, what I was being told was old news, in a sense, which unhooked me...
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. It sounded genuine to me. I agree that there should be some consequences attached to the B that make it such a 'tragedy' for the MC. FOr example - "One single B could ruin everything." Oh, really? Why? Is it a generic "I'm no longer perfect ruination" or is there something more attached to it? Is the narrator striving for perfection due to her own personality or is she perhaps being pushed towards it by a parent that she fears or does not want to disappoint? Also, there is an opportunity missed to already give shading to the relationship with Miranda. Does Miranda get A's without even breaking a sweat while the narrator has to word sooooo hard? Vice-versa? What was the reason for the B beyond it being on her paper and her belief she should have worked harder? Maybe something was goign on in her life? If only I hadn't been so distractet etc by X, this would neevr have happened. That will teach we to try and have a life etc...anyway, as I sai, good opening but there are missed opportunities to layer in a lot of information and nuance that is missed. But I would read on to see where it is going.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. It sounded genuine to me. I agree that there should be some consequences attached to the B that make it such a 'tragedy' for the MC. FOr example - "One single B could ruin everything." Oh, really? Why? Is it a generic "I'm no longer perfect ruination" or is there something more attached to it? Is the narrator striving for perfection due to her own personality or is she perhaps being pushed towards it by a parent that she fears or does not want to disappoint? Also, there is an opportunity missed to already give shading to the relationship with Miranda. Does Miranda get A's without even breaking a sweat while the narrator has to word sooooo hard? Vice-versa? What was the reason for the B beyond it being on her paper and her belief she should have worked harder? Maybe something was goign on in her life? If only I hadn't been so distractet etc by X, this would neevr have happened. That will teach we to try and have a life etc...anyway, as I sai, good opening but there are missed opportunities to layer in a lot of information and nuance that is missed. But I would read on to see where it is going.
ReplyDelete